Such things of great potential
Beauty love innate so true
To look within thyself
To realise I am, as you..
I
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kozmikdave
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 2185
- Joined: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:36 am
- Location: Brisbane, Australia
Welcome on board.
Had me reading this several times to get the gist of it. Although I like what I think it is saying, you could make it easier for me by using punctuation - I think it needs it. (Not that all poems do.) You have left it with different meanings, not all of which make sense.
I have a little gripe with the 3rd line:
Good first (oops - second?) post though
Cheers
Dave
Just noticed you've not caught up with your crits and you've been posting too many. You know how to fix it.
Had me reading this several times to get the gist of it. Although I like what I think it is saying, you could make it easier for me by using punctuation - I think it needs it. (Not that all poems do.) You have left it with different meanings, not all of which make sense.
I have a little gripe with the 3rd line:
"Thyself" is probably the wrong choice as we (hopefully) don't still speak like this in normal conversation anymore. This is the language of fundamentalist prayer meetings when addressing the lord - memories I have not quite repressed enough. "Yourself" would be better.To look within thyself
Good first (oops - second?) post though
Cheers
Dave
Just noticed you've not caught up with your crits and you've been posting too many. You know how to fix it.
Cheers
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
Many thanks for the feedback...
Only ever wrote for my little book, will be nice to try and improve with feedback from people who actually have some knowledge of poetry...
Only ever wrote for my little book, will be nice to try and improve with feedback from people who actually have some knowledge of poetry...
Such things of great potential
Beauty love innate, so true
To look within thyself
To realise, I am, As you
Beauty love innate, so true
To look within thyself
To realise, I am, As you
