Your wet-dog smell upon the lead:
Mist above the dirt
where you would sit when banished, your
eyes a brim with hurt.
Your muzzle was, though thick with grey,
ruthless when in hunt.
Your stubby legs and rounded chest,
though you were the runt.
I’m sure you walk with Father still,
though his face is grim.
Chasing cats and charming kids
With your every whim.
Diesel
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kozmikdave
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 2185
- Joined: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:36 am
- Location: Brisbane, Australia
Gidday
What no comments yet?
Yesterday, I like the feel of what you are trying to say, but I'd like more connection between the bits you've put together. Seems like you have used some lines because they rhyme rather than what you needed to say. I think writing in rhyme is much harder to steer than free verse. I tend to write what I want to say first and then try to fiddle with the rhyming if that is what I want to do.
A couple of technical things -
eyes ABRIM with hurt - just one word
Your stubby legs and rounded chest,
though you were the runt. - not a sentence - doesn't finish the idea.
I liked quite a few of the images
wet-dog smell upon the lead
muzzle ... thick with grey
needs a bit more spit and polish to work fully with me, but a good first draft.
Cheers
Dave
What no comments yet?
Yesterday, I like the feel of what you are trying to say, but I'd like more connection between the bits you've put together. Seems like you have used some lines because they rhyme rather than what you needed to say. I think writing in rhyme is much harder to steer than free verse. I tend to write what I want to say first and then try to fiddle with the rhyming if that is what I want to do.
A couple of technical things -
eyes ABRIM with hurt - just one word
Your stubby legs and rounded chest,
though you were the runt. - not a sentence - doesn't finish the idea.
I liked quite a few of the images
wet-dog smell upon the lead
muzzle ... thick with grey
needs a bit more spit and polish to work fully with me, but a good first draft.
Cheers
Dave
Cheers
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
I like what you have here, the sentiment and the structure, three short verses that have the potential to make all the relevant points.
In the first verse 'your eyes a brim with hurt', brim being singular makes it awkward. Reads like rhyme control. As Mr Kozmik says 'Your eyes 'abrim' with hurt'? I know abrim shouldn't exist outside the middle east but hell if poets can't change the dictionary who can.
In the second verese why not 'still ruthless in the hunt'. 'When in hunt' sounds a little forced. Also I reckon 'although you were the runt'.
And in third verse L2 'although' again...just helps the meter somewhat. I like those first two lines though, evocative of man/ dog relationship.
Im afraid the last two lines seem rushed and really spoil what started out as a nice tribute to your dads? dog. I'd scrub them completely and replace with a fitting finale.
In the first verse 'your eyes a brim with hurt', brim being singular makes it awkward. Reads like rhyme control. As Mr Kozmik says 'Your eyes 'abrim' with hurt'? I know abrim shouldn't exist outside the middle east but hell if poets can't change the dictionary who can.
In the second verese why not 'still ruthless in the hunt'. 'When in hunt' sounds a little forced. Also I reckon 'although you were the runt'.
And in third verse L2 'although' again...just helps the meter somewhat. I like those first two lines though, evocative of man/ dog relationship.
Im afraid the last two lines seem rushed and really spoil what started out as a nice tribute to your dads? dog. I'd scrub them completely and replace with a fitting finale.
thankyou for your comments.
yes i had 'abrim' originally but that useful tool called spell check told me i was wrong
I was wondering about the rhyme, the firs stanza was oringinally writen in a semi-rhyme way kindof... yes he was my dad's dog... sweet little staffy... we have a new one now but he was our first staffy n he was special
heres another go:
Your wet-dog smell upon the lead:
Mist above the dirt
where you would lay when banished, your
eyes abrim with hurt.
Your muzzle was, though thick with grey,
demanding for attention.
Brown eyes gaze wryly as he judged
my comprehension.
I’m sure you walk with Father still,
though his face is grim.
Watching for ghosts and blurs
which may endanger him.
yes i had 'abrim' originally but that useful tool called spell check told me i was wrong
I was wondering about the rhyme, the firs stanza was oringinally writen in a semi-rhyme way kindof...
yes he was my dad's dog... sweet little staffy... we have a new one now but he was our first staffy n he was specialheres another go:
Your wet-dog smell upon the lead:
Mist above the dirt
where you would lay when banished, your
eyes abrim with hurt.
Your muzzle was, though thick with grey,
demanding for attention.
Brown eyes gaze wryly as he judged
my comprehension.
I’m sure you walk with Father still,
though his face is grim.
Watching for ghosts and blurs
which may endanger him.
Yesterday, that's the trouble with posting on a public forum. You get different opinions.
I preferred the first version. There were grammatical and metrical irregularities, but I think it flowed better.
The first verse is relatively unchanged - I agree with you on abrim - but I still don't see a good reason for not moving "your" to the fourth line. The rhythm and the look of it demand it.
I would rework the last verse again. I'm a bit alarmed (in both versions) by the grimness of Father's face. Sounds like something foreboding that's slipped in from another poem - or life - altogether. And, yes, "whim" is a slightly weak finish - get rid of grim (unless it's integral somehow, and I can't imagine how it could be) and you can get rid of whim! I like the idea of this charming dog in your old last verse, so I would stick with that.
A good elegy for a good dog. Well done.
David
I preferred the first version. There were grammatical and metrical irregularities, but I think it flowed better.
The first verse is relatively unchanged - I agree with you on abrim - but I still don't see a good reason for not moving "your" to the fourth line. The rhythm and the look of it demand it.
I would rework the last verse again. I'm a bit alarmed (in both versions) by the grimness of Father's face. Sounds like something foreboding that's slipped in from another poem - or life - altogether. And, yes, "whim" is a slightly weak finish - get rid of grim (unless it's integral somehow, and I can't imagine how it could be) and you can get rid of whim! I like the idea of this charming dog in your old last verse, so I would stick with that.
A good elegy for a good dog. Well done.
David
Your wet-dog smell upon the lead:
Mist above the dirt
where you would lay when banished,
your eyes abrim with hurt.
Your muzzle was, though thick with grey,
demanding for attention.
Brown eyes gazed wryly as,
you judged my comprehension.
I’m sure you walk with Father still,
although his face is worn.
Watching for ghosts and blurs
which flit about the dawn.
Mist above the dirt
where you would lay when banished,
your eyes abrim with hurt.
Your muzzle was, though thick with grey,
demanding for attention.
Brown eyes gazed wryly as,
you judged my comprehension.
I’m sure you walk with Father still,
although his face is worn.
Watching for ghosts and blurs
which flit about the dawn.
Last edited by Yesterday on Tue Feb 06, 2007 12:51 am, edited 1 time in total.
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HeidiHogrefe
- Posts: 13
- Joined: Mon Jan 29, 2007 5:55 pm
Your description is thorough. Also, I could "see" and "feel" the image of the dog. The inspiration for your words is apparent. Good job.