I want to go to bed.
Mind is full of hate,
Just cant wait!
Never left alone,
Just want to go home.
Theres somthing in my head,
I want to go to bed.
somthing in my head
There's something in my head,
I want to go to bed.
Mind is full of hate,
Just cant wait!
Never left alone,
Just want to go home.
Theres somthing in my head,
I want to go to bed.
I want to go to bed.
Mind is full of hate,
Just cant wait!
Never left alone,
Just want to go home.
Theres somthing in my head,
I want to go to bed.
Last edited by starlight on Sun Feb 04, 2007 1:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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kozmikdave
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 2185
- Joined: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:36 am
- Location: Brisbane, Australia
Gidday
An interesting idea that I quite liked.
The lines that jolted me, though, were
"Making me shake,
Swimming in the lake. "
Even if you swapped them around they would sound a little more natural, but they seemed to be in there for the rhyme - hey it's early and I am probably missing something really important.
Not a lot to do to it to make it work for me.
Cheers
Dave
An interesting idea that I quite liked.
The lines that jolted me, though, were
"Making me shake,
Swimming in the lake. "
Even if you swapped them around they would sound a little more natural, but they seemed to be in there for the rhyme - hey it's early and I am probably missing something really important.
Not a lot to do to it to make it work for me.
Cheers
Dave
Cheers
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
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twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6761
- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
Starlight,
You can do (and have done) much better than this.
It reminds me of that pub song Show me the way to go home
I hope a good kip really did you the power of good
Geoff
You can do (and have done) much better than this.
It reminds me of that pub song Show me the way to go home
I hope a good kip really did you the power of good
Geoff
-
(my) boastful! murmur?
- Posts: 14
- Joined: Sat Feb 03, 2007 1:02 pm
that makes me smile. its good, i tataly understand it. keep it up 
The poems you post here always seem to have a vein of darkness starlight. Not a bad thing I suppose, for a potential poet.
As Geoff says, not one your best. You get your message across well. Wanting to escape everything and everyone and where better than bed and sleep! Back to the womb some might say....and in the foetal position!
For instance
'Mind is full of hate,
just can't wait!'
Whilst getting the point across isn't very creative. A bit song lyricy really.
Anyroad, a good one for cleaning the poetic tubes out.
Keep posting (but don't forget to comment on other peoples work)
David
As Geoff says, not one your best. You get your message across well. Wanting to escape everything and everyone and where better than bed and sleep! Back to the womb some might say....and in the foetal position!
For instance
'Mind is full of hate,
just can't wait!'
Whilst getting the point across isn't very creative. A bit song lyricy really.
Anyroad, a good one for cleaning the poetic tubes out.
Keep posting (but don't forget to comment on other peoples work)
David