Unlucky (contains swearing)

[thoke]

I had had enough
of the creaking and moaning,
envy and rage,
so I leapt out of bed
with hairy legs
dangling from briefs,
and grabbed a marker pen.

I tore a page from a book,
and wrote:
“Shut the fuck up.
Get it? Shut up the fuck.”

I ran out the room,
banged heavily on the next door
and slid the note under it.
The noise came back
after twenty-two seconds,
but I fell asleep smiling.

[adour]

Hi Thoke,

Like it, made me smile at the end,

Cheers,
SEDA.

[barrie]

I think you could delete -

'with hairy legs
dangling from briefs,'

It doesn't add anything to the poem - In fact without it, the poem is even sharper.

Nice one

Barrie

[thoke]

I think you're right, thanks.

Unlucky (redraft)

I had had enough
of the creaking and moaning,
envy and rage,
so I leapt out of bed
and grabbed a marker pen.

I tore a page from a book,
and wrote:
“Shut the fuck up.
Get it? Shut up the fuck.”

I ran out the room,
banged heavily on the next door
and slid the note under it.
The noise came back
after twenty-two seconds,
but I fell asleep smiling.

[spencer_broughton]

I liked the hairy legs, but it's good without it too.

All your poems/prose have a natural ease and surreal humour to them, I always look forward to your posts Thoke.

[thoke]

Thanks. I like your stuff too.