Things I shouldn’t have done

[the stranger]

Smoked my nana! It was madness, also
smoking God; now they’re both gone,
well nana was dust anyway, but God!

What shall I tell people?

“Your creator came down to visit me,
fell into a joint, and I smoked the
fucker, perhaps pray to me now?”

I dunno.

Luckily, I’ve got the nana thing covered.

[madawc]

“Your creator came down to visit me,
fell into a joint, and I smoked the
fucker, perhaps pray to me now?”

I think you could have shown a little more respect here - Surely a hookah would have been more appropriate. You can't dress up God in Rizlas. You deserve to be stoned to death, and what a way to go!

[twoleftfeet]

Roll up! Roll up! See God!!

Was he in his Charlton Heston in a Daz commercial guise?

Nice one
You bring a new meaning to the expression cigarette ash
Geoff

[kozmikdave]

I like bizarre images like this. Enjoyed this a lot.

My only crit is that you could have left out the reference to joints completely. That would have made it sweetly ambiguous. Leave a question in the mind of the reader.

Cheers
Dave

[thoke]

Yeah, I agree with Dave. I thought you meant you killed your nana. But then the bit in speech marks it became clear that you rolled her up in a joint and smoked her, which I found strangely disappointing. But maybe you don't want it to be ambiguous.

Anyway, I like the first stanza. The rest is spoiled, I think, by "smoked the fucker", which sounds a bit glib to me.

[adour]

'What shall I tell people?

“Your creator came down to visit me,
fell into a joint, and I smoked the
fucker, perhaps pray to me now?” '

Hahaha! I like this stanza! Cunning...

I gues this "fucker" word gives a male-power to God: as the fucker plants the seeds of infants and God is said to plant the seeds of the universe.
Now that u smoked it, your lungs turned into Gods. There are two Gods now stucked into a BODY which is very UNGODLY. So, tell people to pray to your lungs!

ADOUR

[Amadeus]

ARGH ARGH ARGH CONFUSION!!!!
Good poem. Liked it.

Smoked my nana! It was madness, also
smoking God; now they’re both gone,
well nana was dust anyway, but God!

Smoked - At first I thought you meant that you smoked a banana. Then I
kind of caught on to the Grandmother thing. Quite funny. I'm
guessing you mean that either you smoked her ashes, like you
would a cigarette, or may perhaps be alluding to actually
having killed her, although I think the former is more likely.

Madness - This is good, as it is also ambiguous. It perhaps alludes to the
narrators state of mind, or perhaps to the manner in which the
narrator 'smoked' his Nana and God. This is more relevant to
killing them, as one would tend to smoke a joint in quite a
laborious manner.

Gone - Creates the question of ''Where have they gone?'' How did they
get away? etc. Good. It brings intrigue and mystery into the poem.

Dust - Again, this is ambiguous. Does dust mean that she had got away
quickly, or does it mean that she was dead and had been
cremated, and the narrator had put her ashes into a joint?

What shall I tell people?

That's good. It brings a certain realism to the poem, and is quite ironic, as one has just smoked a dead person and a deity, and the only thing one is concerned with is appeartance. It makes sense, though, if that person was high. I'm guessing that this is about weed, right?

“Your creator came down to visit me,
fell into a joint, and I smoked the
fucker, perhaps pray to me now?”

HAHA! Very blasphemous. Controversial. Funny.

Creator - this sounds better than the re-use of God, and is quite impersonal. God is quite a personal term. This impersonalness is exemplified further by the word 'your', which is used in place of 'my God', or 'our'.

Visit - are you suggesting that you are a prophet. This links to two things. That it is the narrator that is mad (maybe Disorganized Schizophrenia), or that he is high, and therefore is having delusions that he is being visited by God.

Joint - I agree with others that 'Joint' should be left out. It is a tell, and not a show. Perhaps allude to it though. That will make it more ambiguous.

Fucker - a good 'power-word'. This adds to the controversy of this. It is a very offensive word. You have obviously been consciously aware of this. Also, this is perhaps a hint that the narrator killed God, as it is quite a colloqiual term nowadays, used in conjunction with murder.

Pray to me now - Again, controvertial. Promoting Idolatry. Suggest both that the narrator may be rich and famous, and is therefore high, as drug taking tends to be a regular affair amongst the celebrities, and the arrogance that comes with it may be being hinted at with the promotion of idolatry. Or, it could be that the narrator is rich and a gangster, which goes hand in hand with the arrogance.

I dunno.

Luckily, I’ve got the nana thing covered.

Again, I liked it. It has a somewhat Tom Waits feel to it. Brings the poem to a good conclusion. We know that you have a solution, but we are kept thinking as to what that is, and what you mean by the fact that you have it 'covered'.

Things I shouldn't have done

Good paragram. Very subjective and ambiguous. Perhaps alludes to a mis-spent youth, or perhaps that the narrator regrets killing his Nana and God.


Very good poem. i liked the ambiguity. I don't think you know whether you mean killed or smoked. I think you have left thjis open for others to decide, and may have an idea, but this poem is obviously subjective. For me, I think that the narrator has literally somked his nana and God, not killed them, but, as I said, this is subjective.

For God's sake, do not show this poem in the southern bible belt of America, or it will be you who gets smoked.

[camus]

thanks all.

Rock Me Amadeus!

Thanks for the indepth crit on this wee poem, your time is appreciated.

Smoked is literal.

cheers
Kris/Camus/The Stranger

[Amadeus]

Rock Me Amadeus!

*Amadeus rocks Camus to the rhythm of Brahms Lulaby*

Thanks for the indepth crit on this wee poem, your time is appreciated.

No problem. I enjoyed reading and analysing your poem.

Smoked is literal.

[(my) boastful! murmur?]

very nice, i enjoy...i just think u should swap the word fucker with something else, not that i have a problem with swears in poems.

smoking makes you holy, indeed!

[Amadeus]

i just think u should swap the word fucker with something else,

Hmmm. I disagree. I think fucker perfectly fits the conversational tone of the drug-ridden narrator of the poem.