How to Live

[thoke]

If you sleep around eight hours,
and sleep well and have good dreams,
that's a third of your life
going swimmingly:
just two more to go.

If you can find things to sink
all thirty-seven of your teeth into,
that's another few hours a day
going well:
about thirteen left.

If you fill the rest with friends,
books, work, money, music, drama, drink,
wires, beats, cracks, rants,
twirls and smashes,
then i'm sure you'll be fine.

[juliadebeauvoir]

If you sleep around eight hours,
and sleep well and have good dreams,
that's a third of your life
going swimmingly:
just two more to go.

I like the premise of this and you keep it going nicely--makes me want to read each stanza to see what is next. On the first stanza the only thing is maybe not to use 'sleep' twice in rapid succession.

If you can find things to sink
all thirty-seven of your teeth into,
that's another few hours a day
going well:
about thirteen left.

This was interesting because I didn't know that I had thirty seven teeth--are you a dentist?

If you fill the rest with friends,
books, work, money, music, drama, drink,
wires, beats, cracks, rants,
twirls and smashes,
then i'm sure you'll be fine.

In my opinion, I think the last stanza doesn't do justice to the poem. It reads like a grocery list--which is understandable in the need to wrap up the last hours of a day. This went a bit flat--but overall the poem has got potential.

Thanks for sharing your stuff,
Kim

[thoke]

On the first stanza the only thing is maybe not to use 'sleep' twice in rapid succession.

Yeah, I thought that. I'll definitely change that then.

I didn't know that I had thirty seven teeth--are you a dentist?

No. You only have 32-36 teeth. Men are born with an extra, metaphorical tooth.

In my opinion, I think the last stanza doesn't do justice to the poem. It reads like a grocery list--which is understandable in the need to wrap up the last hours of a day. This went a bit flat--but overall the poem has got potential.

Thanks for the comments. Is this any better?..

If you sleep eight hours a night,
rest well and have good dreams,
that’s a third of your life
going swimmingly:
just two more to go.

If you can find things to sink
all thirty-seven of your teeth into,
that’s another few hours a day
going well:
about thirteen left.

If you fill the rest with friends,
books and music, work and money,
drama, drink, beats, wires,
cracks, rants, twirls and smashes,
I’m sure you’ll be fine.

The third stanza's still a bit sloppy I guess.

[dedalus]

I don't think I have 37 teeth --my fingers gave up counting -- but I like the raw city BLAH of this piece. Maybe you should get out of the city -- look upon restful soothing uplands.

When (British) cows approach you may need to adopt a firm attitude before they nuzzle/trample you to death. It's a matter of familiarity. Ahhh, this green and pleasant land, of which city folk are entirely incognizant.

[juliadebeauvoir]

Dedalus,

What does this mean?

When (British) cows approach you may need to adopt a firm attitude before they nuzzle/trample you to death. It's a matter of familiarity. Ahhh, this green and pleasant land, of which city folk are entirely incognizant.

Cheers,
Kimberly

[thoke]

I don't think I have 37 teeth --my fingers gave up counting -- but I like the raw city BLAH of this piece. Maybe you should get out of the city -- look upon restful soothing uplands.

When (British) cows approach you may need to adopt a firm attitude before they nuzzle/trample you to death. It's a matter of familiarity. Ahhh, this green and pleasant land, of which city folk are entirely incognizant.

You probably have at least 33 'teeth'. One of them isn't in your mouth, and it isn't a tooth.

Just getting out of the house would be an achievement at the moment. I'm working on it. I don't know what 'incognizant' means and I can't be bothered to look it up. Unaware or ignorant, or something? I'm familiar with the countryside. I ain't no townie. But I haven't seen any trees for a while.

[Amadeus]

Good poem. Reminds me of a quote I once read, although I can't remember it's source.

[Amadeus]

I remember what it reminds me of now. 'If', by Rudyard Kipling.

[thoke]

I remember what it reminds me of now. 'If', by Rudyard Kipling.

I just googled that and read it. It's great! Thanks for mentioning it.

[(my) boastful! murmur?]

i like that one....it make realise i should do a lot more in my waking life

[benjywenjy]

hey really like the concept and structure of the poem. The re-write of the last stanza gave it a better rhythm but made the last line stand out particularly, it just doesn't flow to well. Is their anything you can think of to put their instead.

apart from that

nice read

Benjy

[thefallofRome]

i loved this, but like what was aforementioned, i think the last stanza could use some work... maybe get rid of the less powerful words in that long list of things and add another, different thought. i loved the first two stanzas, but my smile fell a teeny bit when the poem ended. it needs more of a flourish; something with more intensity, i think.

[arunansu]

I must say i like this poem. Much has been said about the 37 teeth in the posts above, so I am not going into that. I really enjoyed
"If you fill the rest with friends,
books, work, money, music, drama, drink,
wires, beats, cracks, rants,
twirls and smashes,
then i'm sure you'll be fine."

- Wel I tried to write something pretty similar to this, but could'nt. Thanks for sharing.
-Arunansu

[thoke]

Thanks. Apparently I made a mistake, it should be 33 teeth. Also, it's healthier to sleep less than 8 hours.

I'm glad you like the last stanza, nobody else does.

Reredraft

If you sleep seven hours a night,
rest well and have good dreams,
that’s a third of your life
going swimmingly:
just two more to go.

If you can find things to sink
all thirty-three of your teeth into,
that's another few hours a day
going well:
about thirteen left.

If you fill the rest with friends,
books, work, money, music, drama, drink,
wires, beats, cracks, rants,
twirls and smashes,
then i'm sure you'll be fine.

[boysofsummer]

Despite the concensus i enjoyed the ending to this poem. I thought the hectic, grocery list of town life juxtaposed well against the first stanzas quiet, soft, sleepy like lexical choices.
Thankyou

[boxpoet]

i particularly liked the structure, 3 stanzas for 3 parts.

[thoke]

Despite the concensus i enjoyed the ending to this poem. I thought the hectic, grocery list of town life juxtaposed well against the first stanzas quiet, soft, sleepy like lexical choices.
Thankyou

Thanks, that was my intention.