Sometimes

[thoke]

Sometimes
for some reason
it’s a joy to hear music
so beautiful
even if
Thom wants to be dead and buried like a pharaoh
with his kids in pieces
still
the sound is apple
and mango and sometimes
for some reason
soft creatures beside you
no longer feel
like elves
but warm and immediate fingertips through hair
their presence
fresh
like a breeze
on your cheek and sometimes
for some reason
a plateful of rice makes you see
that what you see
is television
with the curtains closed and kaleidoscopic
rippling colours
come
bring you further
indoors sometimes.

[thoke]

I'm not sure about this now. It gets worse every time I read it. I need get rid of "fresh/like a breeze".

[heinrich]

what is it about? it sound like you are bored. i like it.

[thoke]

Redraft

Sometimes
for some reason
it’s a joy to hear music
so beautiful
even if
Thom wants to be dead and buried like a pharaoh
with his kids in pieces
still
the sound is apple
and mango and sometimes
for some reason
soft creatures beside you
no longer feel
like elves
but warm and immediate fingertips through hair
their presence
fresh
and blowing
on your cheek and sometimes
for some reason
a plateful of rice makes you see
that what you see
is television
with the curtains closed and kaleidoscopic
rippling colours
come
bring you further
indoors sometimes.

[Wabznasm]

Hopefully this'll be of some service:

I'm not entirely sure where this is grounded, but I think that's the idea. It reads like a stream of consciousness; you start with 'music' and then let that music take you further along. At times this gives it quite a loose and lost feel, but most of the time it works. In particular, I like the jump into

the sound is apple
and mango and sometimes
for some reason
soft creatures beside you
no longer feel
like elves
but warm and immediate fingertips through hair.

The only problem I can see initially is that it is too personal - I don't really know who Thom is and so I can't associate myself with that part.

One small change could be to move 'kaleidoscopic' onto the next line alongside rippling colours. The image has a pace, but the step down stops that; having them both together will give a speed to the image.

It's a nice journey even though I don't quite know where I'm going. The associations and images are good too, but perhaps could be a little more grounded. Still, its spirit is happy, euphoric, transcendental, and I like that. I would say that some sort of context would improve this as it would give the poem an object to transcend. A promising beginning and a 'fresh' feeling poem.

Hope that helps

[thoke]

Thanks for the advice, I think you're right about it being a bit to oobscure. Here's another redraft. I've made a lot of changes, and some of them are bound to be changes for the worst, but here goes...


Reredraft

Sometimes
for some reason
it’s a joy to hear music
so beautiful
even if
Thom Yorke wants to be dead and buried like a pharaoh
with his kids in pieces
still
the sound is apple
and mango and sometimes
for some reason
soft creatures beside you
no longer
feel ghostly
but warm and immediate fingertips through hair
their presence
fresh
and blowing
on your cheek and sometimes
for some reason
in the darkness you can see
your eyes
as TV screens
pixelating everything and with the curtains closed
kaleidoscopic rippling colours
come
bring you further
indoors sometimes.

[spencer_broughton]

I was going to ask if you meant Thom Yorke or not and now I feel quite special that I was right, woop. I think the re-draft does sound better although I did like them both.

for some reason
in the darkness you can see
your eyes
as TV screens
pixelating everything and with the curtains closed
kaleidoscopic rippling colours
come
bring you further
indoors sometimes.

I like this ending a lot.

[thoke]

Thanks, that's really reassuring. The ending was my least favourite bit.

drunk drunk drunk drunk irrelevant irrelevant irrolyvunt orrollowonch hahahahhaa

[juliadebeauvoir]

I agree with Wabznasm that this is like stream of conciousness--the only part I stumbled over was:

a plateful of rice makes you see
that what you see
is television

But I see you have changed it and it does flow better. I think all this needs is more connective pieces without making it too trite or obvious. I liked the beginning but was trying to figure out how Thom fits into the scheme of things. Or is that the point--the whole stream thingy?

Cheers,
Kimberly

[arunansu]

I enjoyed this "stream of consciousness" in your poem. I really liked
" like elves
but warm and immediate fingertips through hair
their presence
fresh
and blowing
on your cheek and sometimes ".
Your reredraft surely has improved the flow, as I agree with the comments of the last two previous posts.
Hope to read more from you.
-Arunansu

[Wabznasm]

The redraft is good, although there are two things I can see that could be changed.

I would say keep 'elves' in - ghostly feels a bit common as a term, and 'elves' had a quirkyness that suited the rest of the writing.

Also, the passage
as TV screens
pixelating everything and with the curtains closed
kaleidoscopic rippling colours
could use some tweaking I think. You've done a better job at giving it more rhythm, but there could be a further possible addition that jumps out at me. The middle line seems too long and cuts off the impact of the (excellent) third line. I would personally think about cutting down the second line and swapping the order of kaleidoscopic and rippling around - it's a great image, and you really want to bleed it dry for the impact it has.

So, something like:

as TV screens
pixelating everything (verb here - 'running' maybe? I don't know...)
rippling kaleidoscopic colours

It's a small thing, but I think these three lines are strong enough to work on. Still though, sorry if that appears a little too didactic, I don't want to impose my own tastes upon you!

Still, a good poem. I agree with julia about the connective parts of the poem. Letting everything flow into each other in a semi-logical way is the art of the stream of consciousness.

Keep it up,
Dave

[thoke]

Thanks, I've tried to take your advice. I'm sort of desperate to save this poem now, so here's yet another redraft. Any good?

Rereredraft

Sometimes
for some reason
it’s a joy to hear music
so beautiful
even if
Thom Yorke wants to be dead and buried like a pharaoh
with his kids in pieces
still
the sound is apple
and mango and sometimes
for some reason
soft creatures beside you
no longer feel
like elves
but warm and immediate fingertips through hair
their presence
fresh
and blowing
on your cheek and sometimes
for some reason
in the darkness you can see
that your eyes
are screens
pixellating reality and beneath your lids
rippling kaleidoscopic colours
come
bring you further
indoors sometimes.