The Precious Tear....

[Diablo79]

Hey guys, my first post! - I have been reading this forum for a while but decided to register and join in...

I will start off with one of my easier to follow poems, any feedback most appreciated:

The precious tear - 11/06/00 ATW James

Running down my face, the precious tear,
a sign of sadness, a sign of my fear,
where do I belong, why am I here?
Running down my face, the precious tear

Emotional release, a form of cure,
something so sacred in crystals so pure,
trailing away, what I have seen, what I have done and who I have
been...

Running down my face, the precious tear,
the lump in my throat I feel drawing near,
cutting so deep, someone so dear,
Running down my face, the precious tear.

ATW James

[Wabznasm]

Hi Diablo,

Welcome to the forum!

Anyway, your poem.

I'm afraid it doesn't do much for me.

The subject (it's not particularly original), words like 'precious', phrases like 'crystals so pure', and rhyme scheme all turn it into a very sentimental, twee and overly ornate poem, which I think doesn't really fit into what people consider poetry anymore. Your idiom is too archaic; this would have been a decent poem maybe 100 years ago, but it's irksome today.

As to the content, my problem is that it doesn't go anywhere. Poetry doesn't have to have a narrative, but this poem reads like an introduction to something more that the reader never gets.

The second stanza doesn't really work up to the idea of the tear being an 'emotional release', and instead just seems like a jump, or an assumption which doesn't fit in with the preceeding uncertainty. At first you don't know what a tear is, and then suddenly you realise it's an emotional release. It's too certain in uncertainty.

Also, the third line of that stanza is too broadly metaphysical (Who am I?) to be original. In this day it's difficult to think of philosophy involving the big questions without seeming contrived and unoriginal. Try and think of points that perhaps have not been asked by the audience you're writing for, as you can guarantee that every poetry reader has asked themselves that question more than once!

I have nothing against rhyme schemes, but yours is a little too simple. I would suggest trying to think of elaborate or clever rhymes that don't seem as obvious as the ones you use - dear, near and tear are too simple. Working within a rhyme scheme is difficult, I admit that, but try to use a more exciting vocab in order to complete the rhymes.

There are some nice touches in the poem though.

the lump in my throat I feel drawing near is a nice line, the impending lump is what's well written about that.

As to whether the tear or the lump is cutting so deep is a nice touch too.


Sorry if this criticism seems disparaging. You obviously have the knack for poetry (this can be seen by your decent imitation of the past's voice and your manipulation of syntax in order to fit phrases in), but I think you should try and make it more relevant and more immediate. I look forward to other poems to see if they offer me what I'm looking for (let me stress all this criticism is me, some people may disagree).

I hope all that helps.
Cheers,
Dave

[boysofsummer]

When i first read this poem the feeling i initially got was claustrophobia. it reminded a lot of Plath's, 'cut' in dealing with the emotions/feelings associated with a tiny action.

I felt claustrophobic because it dealt a lot with things moving closer and further from the first person speaker. Was this a metaphor for the memories which caused the tear as they drift away.
Thankyou

[arunansu]

Dear Diablo79,

Your poem has some very nice touches as "the lump in my throat I feel drawing near", still, as has been mentioned by an earlier critique, your piece does not give any narration. Why the tears are coming? That is not clear.

I request you to revise your piece.

-Arunansu

[kidult]

i agree that the poem in itself is quite simple, but for some reason the middle paragraph really wks for me.

"trailing away, what I have seen, what I have done and who I have
been... "

i don't think it is a great poem, but i do i think it comes from some really genuine feelings. and if anything, it does manage to spark a curiosity about the author.

kidult

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

OK so it is a topic that is almost a cliche in itself. What is this tear about? You have little hints in there. I assume it is not from peeling onions. As I read it, I am not feeling the emotion that usually goes with tears.

With your rhyme scheme and metre it could be a song. You could add the emotion with music, but at the moment it is too hard to read it in. Give us a bit more to hang this on.

Cheers
dave

[Jester]

Hi.

I agree with Koz here. The music was almost playing in my head as I read your poem. Maybe you could try to expand it with a catchy chorus.

Thanks for your post.

Mick.