21st Century Suicide

[bobby bruce]

It's the 21st century do you know what I mean?
When I say it's sick, people feeding fruit machines,
Teenage girls riding to proms in limousines,
And ten year old boys walking around in Levi jeans.
Unlimited greed is my ultimate fascination;
(Chips and cheese provide our shit with uneeded lubrication).
Money in the bank feeds us with a great sensation,
Now listen to the realisation of my revelation.

The Chancellor says we're all doing great,
Fuck your numbers, now listen to me mate.
We all have nice stuff but we're all in debt
The economy's fine, yeah right I bet!
To be honest it's all rathher scary,
Money is fake. It's all airy fairy.
Sod Stalin et all and screw communism,
But we live in a world of failed capitalism.

What was the news on the BBC so snappy?
North Korea dropped a bomb and the world aint happy,
But here's what I'll dream of when I go to bed;
A student in debt and now they've found him dead.
He had his whole life ahead with just twelve hundred under,
So this one kid makes a stupid blunder.
Now can you please with me confide
A wholly unnecesarry suicide.

[David]

Bobby, some nice lady or gentleman is probably going to remind you that you are supposed to comment on other people's submissions, not just post your own, but as I seem to have arrived on the scene before anybody else I can quickly tell you that this is pretty good.

Probably not actually poetry, in your genteel sense of the word, but good effective rhyming at least. It's got passion, and even my middle-aged ears can hear the boom-boom-booming that should probably accompany its delivery.

As for a little light pedantry, I think you mean unneeded (not uneeded), and unfortunately your last couplet is clumsy and not really proper English - I don't mean that it's not nice, or proper, but you don't use "confide" like that. And you don't spell "unnecessary" like that.

So that's what it's like around here. Hope you like it. I liked this. Now go and do your obligatory comments on somebody else's stuff.

Cheers

David

[bobby bruce]

Thank you very much for the reply. I appreciate your comments. I think it's true that some may argue my poetry is not always strictly poetry, but hopefully with some more posts etc. people will be able to judge for themselves.

I am now going to get on with replying to others poems. I'm afraid I'm all rather new to this, so I hope I don't miss the point too much.

Cheers,

Bobby

[benjywenjy]

heya

on a first rather pedantic note, second stanza, line 4 theirs a typo....

I quite liked this, ncie rhyme scheme that didnt seem too forced until the last stanza, maybe the whole stanza could do with a rejig...

this was a nice topic to approach and matches modern cynical approaches to life. However, I feel your points could be made better if you weren't restricting yourself to a rigid rhyme scheme. How about a little free verse, that way you wont have unnatural lines popping about.

cheers for posting, hope to see more of your stuff

benjy

[juliadebeauvoir]

This almost feels like rap to me...is that what you are going for? I wouldn't say that it's not poetry because I think rap can be poetry. You have some loose ends to tighten here but I think over all it was an interesting approach. I too live in a capitalistic society and when I pay my bills every month from working hard I never think of it failing ! But I think you tell an interesting story--your bloke at the end had 1200 pounds in debt, I take it? It would be interesting ending to find out what or who he was in debt to.
Welcome to the forum--I look forward to hearing more of your stuff.

Cheers,
Kimberly

[kozmikdave]

Gidday & welcome

Got a little bit of an Eminem feel which I quite like. A few spelling errors scattered through, as mentioned by others - why not write it in your word processor and do a spell check before posting?

Sod Stalin et all and screw communism,
But we live in a world of failed capitalism.

Like JB, I was thinking how successful capitalism was in bleeding every spare cent out of me, before I reached the end. The ending makes the line make sense.

The last verse is awkward, IMO, and unravels on the second last line. Confide can be used there if the punctuation is right, but it still doesn't work well.

What was the news on the BBC so snappy? "Why" instead of "What"?

Now can you please with me confide

Maybe something like:

"Please explain why it's chewing me up inside"

Just an idea, but there are hundreds of possibilities.

Cheers
Dave

[heinrich]

i see girls going to proms in a limousine in 1950 and 1960s american movies.

[kozmikdave]

i see girls going to proms in a limousine in 1950 and 1960s american movies.

Still happened in Australia in 2006 and I assume will continue for a few more years.

Dave

[Heidi]

HI Bobby,

I appreciate the modern rap quality that you give. Definitely agree with the others that it should be accompanied with some sort of beatbox behind it. I also like the politcal comment/comparison on communism to capitalism. Thanks...good effort here and nice rhythm.

heidi

[dedalus]

I agree with Kim and Heidi that this is a rap piece, which doesn't mean it's bad or anything, but that it would probably sound better up on a stage instead of laid out on a page. I remember anger. I was doing OK until Shrub came along and Bambi rolled over. Howard doesn't come across as much of anything, unless, of course, you live in Oz, where I could see he might be a bit of a problem!

[thefallofRome]

This was fun to read :]

I really like the line with the chips&cheese, but this one:

Money is fake. It's all airy fairy.

I think it could have been better; "airy fairy" doesn't sound all too thought out.

Other than that, though, I really enjoyed it.