If two parents must labour
To raise a child
Surely a lone parent
Can only ever raise a mere half
“Beautiful child”, it will,
Of course, be called;
But it shall eternally be:
A half mind, a half soul,
A half person in the mentality
Of all those that are sagacious,
Wholesome beings.
At five years
Half my person was stolen
Which, until now,
I had not noticed missing.
However, when I looked at
The empty expanse
I was amended
For you had not left
This space in me unchecked and barren,
But instead, filled it with love.
This love, I now and forever hold true to you
A mere half person I am not
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Gypsy Cake
- Posts: 45
- Joined: Mon Apr 02, 2007 4:17 pm
- Location: Essex, UK
- Contact:
Gypsy Cake, I like this - especially the first six lines. Is it a sort of Mother's Day card? That's how it reads to me. (I'm not saying it sounds like a Hallmark card or something - that would be insulting. But it says what such a card might try to say.)
I'm not sure about I was amended, but it's actually a lovely phrase, with a spiritual sound - like I got healed!.
If I wanted to be pedantic, which I don't but I can't seem to help it, I would say that the "expanse" can't be "empty" because it's been filled (with love), but that's just me. Ignore me.
A good first offering. Why don't you introduce yourself at the "Hello, good evening and welcome" section of this site?
Cheers
Dave
I'm not sure about I was amended, but it's actually a lovely phrase, with a spiritual sound - like I got healed!.
If I wanted to be pedantic, which I don't but I can't seem to help it, I would say that the "expanse" can't be "empty" because it's been filled (with love), but that's just me. Ignore me.
A good first offering. Why don't you introduce yourself at the "Hello, good evening and welcome" section of this site?
Cheers
Dave
Hello Gypsy Cake and welcome.
On reading first stanza I groaned because I thought you were going all preachy and apart from that I absolutely disagreed with the sentiment.
Then on reading second stanza I thought, oh, the poet recognizes the stigma! In contrast to the first. Good.
Was completely pacified by the third which needed the first and second to make the whole point. From a 'half' absent fathers point of view.
Good one.
On reading first stanza I groaned because I thought you were going all preachy and apart from that I absolutely disagreed with the sentiment.
Then on reading second stanza I thought, oh, the poet recognizes the stigma! In contrast to the first. Good.
Was completely pacified by the third which needed the first and second to make the whole point. From a 'half' absent fathers point of view.
Good one.
Welcome to the forum!
I like your first piece.
It manages to not fall into being over-complicated nor drastically simple and I think balances on that tight-rope in between deftly.
There are some small touches that I especially like in this:
But it shall eternally be: while not grammatically correct, I think the colon gives the reader a much needed pause.
Wholesome beings. Nice use of wholesome in comparison to half.
I was amended - Breathlessly simple and clean. Perfect use of language and form.
The subject and topic isn't particularly to my taste (just a personal thing though, nothing to worry about), but I think your craft in this is excellent.
I look forward to your next poem.
Cheers
Dave
I like your first piece.
It manages to not fall into being over-complicated nor drastically simple and I think balances on that tight-rope in between deftly.
There are some small touches that I especially like in this:
But it shall eternally be: while not grammatically correct, I think the colon gives the reader a much needed pause.
Wholesome beings. Nice use of wholesome in comparison to half.
I was amended - Breathlessly simple and clean. Perfect use of language and form.
The subject and topic isn't particularly to my taste (just a personal thing though, nothing to worry about), but I think your craft in this is excellent.
I look forward to your next poem.
Cheers
Dave
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thefallofRome
- Posts: 47
- Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 3:16 am
- Location: southern california
- Contact:
welcome :], and i hope you like it here.
i really like the idea that you're trying to present, and i love some of the phrases you used--especially the part about being ammended.
i think it could be improved though with a couple more drafts. some words and line breaks intterupt the flow of the poem, in my opinion.
overall, though, i enjoyed it :]
i really like the idea that you're trying to present, and i love some of the phrases you used--especially the part about being ammended.
i think it could be improved though with a couple more drafts. some words and line breaks intterupt the flow of the poem, in my opinion.
overall, though, i enjoyed it :]
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twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6761
- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
Hi GC,
Like Minstrel, I thought the poem got off to a rather sanctimonious start
but picked up with
sagacious, wholesome beings
I'm not sure about your use of memtality - mind-set would be better IMHO. Also I think the last line is an unnecessary spoonful of saccharin
which could be omitted.
My favourite part:
For you had not left
This space in me unchecked and barren,
But instead, filled it with love.
The line break after LEFT is extremely effective.
Nice one
Geoff
Like Minstrel, I thought the poem got off to a rather sanctimonious start
but picked up with
sagacious, wholesome beings
I'm not sure about your use of memtality - mind-set would be better IMHO. Also I think the last line is an unnecessary spoonful of saccharin
which could be omitted.
My favourite part:
For you had not left
This space in me unchecked and barren,
But instead, filled it with love.
The line break after LEFT is extremely effective.
Nice one
Geoff
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oranggunung
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 1393
- Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2007 9:15 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland
Hi GC
this was simply, but engagingly written and the story unfolded neatly.
Why did you leave the first verse free of punctuation?
The second verse is ripe with the stuff. Was that a device?
I'm not sure about the language in the third verse.
I too have problems with an empty expanse being full.
However, when I looked at
The empty expanse
I was amended
would you consider something along these lines
However, when I examined
the vast expanse I had considered empty,
I was amended
Don't think the 'for' at the beginning of the next line is necessary. It's omission might add strength to the imagery here too.
I wondered if the ending might reflect upon the title; mention being whole now. IMO that would round off the piece very well.
Obviously, I don't know your personal situation, but I'm sure your parent would be very pleased to read something like this.
og
this was simply, but engagingly written and the story unfolded neatly.
Why did you leave the first verse free of punctuation?
The second verse is ripe with the stuff. Was that a device?
I'm not sure about the language in the third verse.
I too have problems with an empty expanse being full.
However, when I looked at
The empty expanse
I was amended
would you consider something along these lines
However, when I examined
the vast expanse I had considered empty,
I was amended
Don't think the 'for' at the beginning of the next line is necessary. It's omission might add strength to the imagery here too.
I wondered if the ending might reflect upon the title; mention being whole now. IMO that would round off the piece very well.
Obviously, I don't know your personal situation, but I'm sure your parent would be very pleased to read something like this.
og
Highly likable! After all the responses you have read and pondered, I just want to tell you I particularely enjoyed the first two strophe and dont feel any change is necessary.
Cheers,
-Arunansu
Cheers,
-Arunansu