August

[Heidi]

The mystery of it all
In the heat of one
long August call
of a sultry day
turns to the night
candle light leads
to the dance floor
of heat, sweat,
and much more
sweet strong shadows
life is not so large
as those
breathless
tears full,
almost a drop
like the circling beads
on the bottle that is
half-gone, tall

[Gypsy Cake]

Very much like this. Short and sweet. Can't pick anything wrong with it.
I particularly like...
"candle light leads
to the dance floor
of heat, sweat,
and much more"

But honestly, it's all good.

[thoke]

Pretty good. It takes a few lines to get going, but the bit gypsy cake quotes is good, and I also really liked, "life is not so large as those breathless tears" and how you compare that to the image of the bottle of beer, or whatever it is.

The first line is a little vague and I'm not sure what you're getting at. Maybe you could find a better way to express whatever it was that you had in mind when you wrote that line? And the linebreak between "In the heat of one" and "long August call" feels a bit awkward.

Otherwise I think it's good.

[arunansu]

Really interesting piece. I particularely like
"turns to the night
candle light leads
to the dance floor
of heat, sweat,
and much more ..."
Cheers.
-Arunansu

[Wabznasm]

Interesting

I like it how you've almost gone for a surrealist-like method of imagery. In other words, it's verging on an unconscious association. But, to your credit, you don't fully since the images are all still grounded. Just a very quick way of making transitions between them all.

A few moments of bemusement for me:

Why the punctuation? You seem to be pretty free from most of it, and yet you sprinkle it in odd places: heat, sweat, . Are you going punctuation through the line breaks? I'm not too sure if that works.
Since the lines are short the reader reads them quickly and breathlessly. Because of that the reader (well, me) has difficulty pausing simply because the pace is so quick in the poem.

I'm not sure if I like The mystery of it all - it's a bit too general. Effectively what you are doing is saying that life is mysterious - doesn't poetry do that in almost everything it creates? But, and I get the impression you want to keep this line in, I think it would suit more the middle - in a place a little more subtle, as a way to shock the reader maybe.

I liked some of the writing in this, in particular:

almost a drop
like the circling beads
on the bottle that is
half-gone, tall

I hope that all helps
Dave

[Heidi]

hi dave...

I appreciate your constructive criticism and comments. In answer to your questions....the "oddly placed commas" are intended for pauses and to separate a descriptive series. I am quite loose with my punctuation but cannot totally disregard it.

As far as the introduction. It really is not in reference to life. As you say and I totally agree: yes, poetry is about life. The opener to my poem was intended to reference an actual experience/night. I write in a direct reference to exact things or inspirations....as many writers do. I can be literal sometimes, and maybe it can come across as awkward or superfulous.
And as you have pointed out I can be almost surreal but will always be grounded. What I am grounded in are my exact thoughts and experiences which inspire me to write. Anyway, I'm starting to go off on a tangent.

Thanks so much for your extensive input.

heidi

[thoke]

...I can be almost surreal but will always be grounded. What I am grounded in are my exact thoughts and experiences which inspire me to write.

That's good, and it comes across on most of this poem, but not in the first line. If you had something specific in mind, maybe you could try and replace that line with something more specific? Otherwise, you could get rid of it:

In the heat of one
long August call
of a sultry day
(I turn?/you turn?) to the night
candle light leads
to the dance floor
of heat, sweat,
and much more
sweet strong shadows
life is not so large
as those
breathless
tears full,
almost a drop
like the circling beads
on the bottle that is
half-gone, tall

I think that small change would be a big improvement, but you might disagree.

Ben

[Heidi]

Thanks Ben...

I do like it without the first line. Sometimes you just need to see it! I agree that the opening line is somewhat superfulous.
I would not change the line,"turns to the night". It is the day transforming from day to night...not a reference to a person. Kind of setting a mood....

Anyway, thanks again.

heidi