A touch of cheer
amidst blotches of gloom
some streaks do hope
to strive
yet at places stumble
over heaps of despair
though dollops of laughter
mingle with beads of tear
to paint my sentience
-all of my high and low
using a brush spawned from wisdom
over the canvas of my existence
engaging seven colors
from a rainbow.
My verdant early days
submitted to amorous purple in love
but seeing the hours fall
several hoary spots have built up
Abruptly
on an unnamed day
I may start to count
the total shades of rust
as can be found
within the composite pattern having
as much of aged gray
as much was immature green
in my being.
Pieces of purple
has been lost into the blues
and all the other hues
-those very colours of my rainbow
the timid yellow, that fiery orange
and the sensitive red
will be merging in dark
forming the ultimate semblance
at what time my vitality
will be moving into
a desolate milieu
of the dead.
Colours Of Rainbow
Aranansu,
A deliberately lyrical poem and one I like.
There are a few parts that seem a awkward:
The poem itself is a bit 'rootless'. It doesn't start anywhere but instead jumps into analysis. Not a huge problem, it's just a little odd.
Some of the terms are a little over-dramatic, for instance:
using a brush spawned from wisdom
over the canvas of my existence
submitted to amorous purple in love
are a bit over the top in my opinion.
Pieces of purple
has been lost into the blues a little error here? 'has' should be 'have'
I can also see how you began to run out of ways to let the reader know that different colours were usurping each other... will be merging in dark is awkward.
Still, there are some nice touches in this poem -
The last 3 lines, for instance, are fantastic.
Your use of language (and I can see you have taken notice of my previous comments) is original and on the whole very interesting. I think you pull it off, but maybe sometimes (only once or twice) the phrases are a little rich and stuffy.
I have difficulty with it in a modern context because the poem, unlike a lot of grounded modern poetry, is very ethereal - of course this is not a bad thing, but just a stylistic taste.
Check out some Emily Dickinson - this poem reminds me of her.
Cheers
Dave
A deliberately lyrical poem and one I like.
There are a few parts that seem a awkward:
The poem itself is a bit 'rootless'. It doesn't start anywhere but instead jumps into analysis. Not a huge problem, it's just a little odd.
Some of the terms are a little over-dramatic, for instance:
using a brush spawned from wisdom
over the canvas of my existence
submitted to amorous purple in love
are a bit over the top in my opinion.
Pieces of purple
has been lost into the blues a little error here? 'has' should be 'have'
I can also see how you began to run out of ways to let the reader know that different colours were usurping each other... will be merging in dark is awkward.
Still, there are some nice touches in this poem -
The last 3 lines, for instance, are fantastic.
Your use of language (and I can see you have taken notice of my previous comments) is original and on the whole very interesting. I think you pull it off, but maybe sometimes (only once or twice) the phrases are a little rich and stuffy.
I have difficulty with it in a modern context because the poem, unlike a lot of grounded modern poetry, is very ethereal - of course this is not a bad thing, but just a stylistic taste.
Check out some Emily Dickinson - this poem reminds me of her.
Cheers
Dave
Dear W,
Its about my life being a canvas, and how the colours of my many emotions have done their bit on it. So its about my life in general - where should it begin? Yet it does have an ending.Have you mixed many colours on a pallete? The final colour resemles black- a symbol of end of our lives.
That is what I meant.
Regards,
-Arunansu
Its about my life being a canvas, and how the colours of my many emotions have done their bit on it. So its about my life in general - where should it begin? Yet it does have an ending.Have you mixed many colours on a pallete? The final colour resemles black- a symbol of end of our lives.
That is what I meant.
Regards,
-Arunansu
-
kozmikdave
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 2185
- Joined: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:36 am
- Location: Brisbane, Australia
Overall, I liked this too. It got my attention.
I read it as painted over the duration of a love afair rather than life, or even a dalliance with the post-coital depression set in.
The first verse seemed too much like a recipe or some old fashioned mother's day card and therefore might be trying to be a bit too clever, but the rest of it was very dark and moving. It had a painting in progress feel to it that I liked very much.
Cheers
Dave
I read it as painted over the duration of a love afair rather than life, or even a dalliance with the post-coital depression set in.
The first verse seemed too much like a recipe or some old fashioned mother's day card and therefore might be trying to be a bit too clever, but the rest of it was very dark and moving. It had a painting in progress feel to it that I liked very much.
Cheers
Dave
Cheers
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
-
Gypsy Cake
- Posts: 45
- Joined: Mon Apr 02, 2007 4:17 pm
- Location: Essex, UK
- Contact:
Hi there.
I can see what Wabsnasm is saying about it having no start. I prefer there to be some clear context at the start; it sort of eases you into it. There is a 'start' you introduce in the second stanza though. That's your choice.
Other than this I found the poem very good. I very much like the single use of rhyme:
"Pieces of purple
has been lost into the blues
and all the other hues "
I find too much rhyme often sounds strained but the odd use as you've done really adds some spontaneity.
Well done, Dec
I can see what Wabsnasm is saying about it having no start. I prefer there to be some clear context at the start; it sort of eases you into it. There is a 'start' you introduce in the second stanza though. That's your choice.
Other than this I found the poem very good. I very much like the single use of rhyme:
"Pieces of purple
has been lost into the blues
and all the other hues "
I find too much rhyme often sounds strained but the odd use as you've done really adds some spontaneity.
Well done, Dec
Only criticism:
'Pieces of purple has been lost into blues'
Perhaps: Pieces of purple had/ or have been lost into blues.
Or maybe (to mind better): A piece of purple has been lost into blues.
Otherwise none, and I love the way you hold back on mentioning rainbow until end of first stanza, and the way you mention it.
Well done.
'Pieces of purple has been lost into blues'
Perhaps: Pieces of purple had/ or have been lost into blues.
Or maybe (to mind better): A piece of purple has been lost into blues.
Otherwise none, and I love the way you hold back on mentioning rainbow until end of first stanza, and the way you mention it.
Well done.
As an afterthought:
http://poetsgraves.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?t=4521
Look at comments, particularly Emily Dickinson comment. Intriguing considering the only correlation between the two poems is the theme. Also interesting you too, ended with death.
Is this all sub-concious memory entanglement or sheer co-incidence?
Colours.
http://poetsgraves.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?t=4521
Look at comments, particularly Emily Dickinson comment. Intriguing considering the only correlation between the two poems is the theme. Also interesting you too, ended with death.
Is this all sub-concious memory entanglement or sheer co-incidence?
Colours.