Black & white memories
interlaced my first phase of life
with "Do"
"Don't"
& "Follow"
The present days entwine
untold "lies"
and concealed "cries"
in a needlecraft of
“time”
“want”
& "sorrow".
"Love" embroidered quite a few roses
every now and then
studding some "hope"s and "wishes"
in between,
though "Despair" digs in
a number of holes deep within,
yet there are "dreams"
knitting with "Patience"
the emotional pattern
of my conscience.
Eventually, the tapestry will reveal
A Mona Lisa smile
An enigmatic self
As my curious life itself
interlaced with wefts of
some returning feelings
some repeated words
sewed up
by quite a few knitted cords.
Tapestry Of Words
Aranansu,
In my opinion, your best.
I think the concept behind this is excellent. I was worried it would read badly and over-dramatically but it works really well.
The first two stanzas are excellent and I think the method you use to associate all of these words is fluent and easy. I think what helps is your method of giving individual words their associations.
For instance
"Love" embroidered quite a few roses
every now and then
studding some "hope"s and "wishes"
is a great to show the unoriginal idea of love leading to new hope. You make it original.
The final stanza is not as good (it reverts back to a normal voice) but has some nice touches. I would, though, get rid of the first 3 lines in it. Start with 'As my curious' - I don't particularly think the lines preceding are necessary, but then this is entirely me. I'm sure some will disagree.
some returning feelings
some repeated words is a great passage, but I think you should place this back in the metaphor. I'd like to see 'words' and 'feelings' changed to something like 'stitches' since I think inferring that these stiches are words and feelings leads to a more subtle and clever poem. To me.
The rhythm of the first stanza is excellent (as are the parallels drawn between the two groups of words).
An aesthetic thing:
digs in
a number of holes deep within, - get rid of the 'in'
Oh, and I think the title would be better as 'Tapestry'
Just to be pretentious, I thought I'd end on a passage in Moby Dick. One that this poem reminded me of:
'that it seemed as if this were the Loom of Time, and I myself were a shuttle mechanically weaving and weaving away at the Fates. There lay the fixed threads of the warp subject to but one single, ever returning, unchanging vibration, and that vibration merely enough to admit of the crosswise interblending of other threads with its own. This warp seemed necessity; and here, thought I, with my own hand I ply my own shuttle and weave my own destiny into these unalterable threads.'
Cheers
Dave
In my opinion, your best.
I think the concept behind this is excellent. I was worried it would read badly and over-dramatically but it works really well.
The first two stanzas are excellent and I think the method you use to associate all of these words is fluent and easy. I think what helps is your method of giving individual words their associations.
For instance
"Love" embroidered quite a few roses
every now and then
studding some "hope"s and "wishes"
is a great to show the unoriginal idea of love leading to new hope. You make it original.
The final stanza is not as good (it reverts back to a normal voice) but has some nice touches. I would, though, get rid of the first 3 lines in it. Start with 'As my curious' - I don't particularly think the lines preceding are necessary, but then this is entirely me. I'm sure some will disagree.
some returning feelings
some repeated words is a great passage, but I think you should place this back in the metaphor. I'd like to see 'words' and 'feelings' changed to something like 'stitches' since I think inferring that these stiches are words and feelings leads to a more subtle and clever poem. To me.
The rhythm of the first stanza is excellent (as are the parallels drawn between the two groups of words).
An aesthetic thing:
digs in
a number of holes deep within, - get rid of the 'in'
Oh, and I think the title would be better as 'Tapestry'
Just to be pretentious, I thought I'd end on a passage in Moby Dick. One that this poem reminded me of:
'that it seemed as if this were the Loom of Time, and I myself were a shuttle mechanically weaving and weaving away at the Fates. There lay the fixed threads of the warp subject to but one single, ever returning, unchanging vibration, and that vibration merely enough to admit of the crosswise interblending of other threads with its own. This warp seemed necessity; and here, thought I, with my own hand I ply my own shuttle and weave my own destiny into these unalterable threads.'
Cheers
Dave
Dear W,
Your comments offer loads of encouragement for me. The passage of Moby Dick of course, suits the mood better. Hope I would improve my standard more in the near future. Actually getting a nice theme becomes very difficult. The challenge for learners like me is to try and write on ordinary subjects but make the piece sound as different and interesting as possible.
Thanks,
-Arunansu
Your comments offer loads of encouragement for me. The passage of Moby Dick of course, suits the mood better. Hope I would improve my standard more in the near future. Actually getting a nice theme becomes very difficult. The challenge for learners like me is to try and write on ordinary subjects but make the piece sound as different and interesting as possible.
Thanks,
-Arunansu
Wabznasm covered some of the things I was going to say about this, so all I'll say is that this is a great poem 
However, I do think that the title is a bit of a letdown. It feels a bit too 'cliched' (I know it's not too common though). Besides that, very good!
However, I do think that the title is a bit of a letdown. It feels a bit too 'cliched' (I know it's not too common though). Besides that, very good!-
oranggunung
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 1393
- Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2007 9:15 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland
Aranansu,
this material seems remarkably accomplished for someone posting in the beginners' section.
I liked the way that the first verse referred to black and white and the second verse introduced colour:
"Love" embroidered quite a few roses
I think there might be one or two words to pare from the second verse
though "Despair" digs in
a number of holes deep within,
yet there are "dreams"
'digs' would work, I believe, just as well as 'digs in'
'yet' appears superfluous here, as 'though' has preceded it
the emotional pattern
of my conscience
this is where you revert to the normal voice, although the omission of the word 'my' would avoid that
I think Wab is right about the change in voice distracting from the last verse. I'm afraid I don't have any ideas for amendment.
'quite a few' appears a rather informal way of finishing the piece.
I do have an idea for the ending, though. Aren't tapestries tied off with knots? When I read the last line
by quite a few knitted cords.
I inadvertantly read 'knitted' as 'knotted'.
I know knots are potentially difficult issues within life, but then most of us are stuck with them.
I thought your use of vocabulary was excellent; you steered away from the attractive 'weave' and used 'weft' instead. I look forward to reading more of your posts.
og
this material seems remarkably accomplished for someone posting in the beginners' section.
I liked the way that the first verse referred to black and white and the second verse introduced colour:
"Love" embroidered quite a few roses
I think there might be one or two words to pare from the second verse
though "Despair" digs in
a number of holes deep within,
yet there are "dreams"
'digs' would work, I believe, just as well as 'digs in'
'yet' appears superfluous here, as 'though' has preceded it
the emotional pattern
of my conscience
this is where you revert to the normal voice, although the omission of the word 'my' would avoid that
I think Wab is right about the change in voice distracting from the last verse. I'm afraid I don't have any ideas for amendment.
'quite a few' appears a rather informal way of finishing the piece.
I do have an idea for the ending, though. Aren't tapestries tied off with knots? When I read the last line
by quite a few knitted cords.
I inadvertantly read 'knitted' as 'knotted'.
I know knots are potentially difficult issues within life, but then most of us are stuck with them.
I thought your use of vocabulary was excellent; you steered away from the attractive 'weave' and used 'weft' instead. I look forward to reading more of your posts.
og
