blackbird (redraft)

[thoke]

(Note that this is a redraft of the poem, followed by the original post as a quotation.)

When the outside dims to Bernard
and the flappy things don't whistle,
your consciousness runs inward
and you focus on your worries.

(There was more but I got rid of it. Now it's just two stanzas that don't really go anywhere...)


When the outside dims to Bernard
and the flappy things don't whistle,
your consciousness runs inward
and you focus on your worriess;

on the stuff you should be doing,
filling up your drawers and skull
(which is dirtybrown and delicate
like the skull of a perching thing).

[twoleftfeet]

Thoke,

Surreal and interesting - try to resurrect the rest of it (it's Easter, after all)

Geoff
btw you've used "things" twice.

[David]

Thoke, I think the first verse is great. Very unusual metre as well, isn't it? Are you working to a model, or did it just present itself?

I don't understand When the outside dims to Bernard - not yet, I don't, but I'll be thinking about it - but it's a great phrase.

I would go back to this verse, take a deep breath and jump (in the second verse) in a different direction.

Cheers

David

[thoke]

Very unusual metre as well, isn't it? Are you working to a model, or did it just present itself?

I think it presented itself and then I tried to keep it consistent, but I failed after the second verse so I scrapped the rest.

I don't understand When the outside dims to Bernard - not yet, I don't, but I'll be thinking about it - but it's a great phrase.

Bernard Black from the sitcom Black Books. I hope I don't regret saying that... I'm worried about spoiling the illusion of greatness.

I would go back to this verse, take a deep breath and jump (in the second verse) in a different direction.

Thanks, I'll give it a go.

[twoleftfeet]

Thoke,

What's wrong with Black Books?
I've only seen a couple, but once I'd adapted to the lunacy of it, I thought they were great. Anyway, I'm a big Bill Bailey fan.

[thoke]

Nothing's wrong with Black Books, I just meant I might regret revealing that my use of the word 'Bernard' didn't really mean anything except, "I just watched an episode of Black Books." But I don't regret it, so never mind.

[thoke]

I give up. Here is my redraft:


When the outside dims to Bernard
and the flappy things don't whistle,
your consciousness runs inward
and you focus on your worries.

[thefallofRome]

i love the first line. i don't completely understand it, but i think it really grabs to reader's interest. the last line, however, ("you focus on your worries") isn't so great as the other three. maybe it's the fact that you used "you" and "your" three times in quick succession, or maybe its the word "focus." it just sticks out to me, for some reason...
... maybe it's just me, though.

i really enjoyed this-- thanks .

[oranggunung]

I like the oblique language here, but feel, as others, that this is abandoned all too quickly.

When the outside dims to Bernard
and the flappy things don't whistle,
..................
my focus turns inward
and explores dark corners.

It appears this poem has already undergone quite a transformation. Not sure if you'll appreciate further suggested modifications.
However, the language can be amended to convey the same ideas without being so direct. I think this would hold the reader's attention longer. You might then be able to resurrect the second verse, at least.

[thoke]

Hello,

Thanks for the help. But I think I've given up on this one for now.

Ben

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

I don't know who Bernard is, but it reminds me of a Larsen/Larson(?) cartoon. I prefer it without the second stanza. Good stuff.

Dave

[twoleftfeet]

Thoke,

I'm in a minority of one on this, but I like the second verse.
You could add a couple of lines to take you back outside (to Bernard?)
again - then you would have completed the round thingy, as it were.
As it is now, it's a bit sparse IMHO.

Geoff

[arunansu]

Much has been already said. Just want to say I liked it for being so small and simple,yet so beautiful.
-Arunansu

[thoke]

Thoke,

I'm in a minority of one on this, but I like the second verse.
You could add a couple of lines to take you back outside (to Bernard?)
again - then you would have completed the round thingy, as it were.
As it is now, it's a bit sparse IMHO.

Geoff

Ooh, you've posted twice. Thanks for your enthusiasm!

Maybe I'll come back to this soon.

[Heidi]

Hey Ben..

I really liked it. Paring poetry down can create artful prose. your consciousness runs inward and you focus on your worries. I especially liked these verses. Very true.

good job.

heidi