Give me a companion and not a friend,
as I fend the doubts from the garden.
Not the burden of expectation, or regret,
I suspect they stand at the gate.
Swinging it back and forth, reminding me
of hinges I should have oiled.
Give me a hand I can hold loosely,
a foreigner, a black man with an easy walk.
We can talk about nothing and laugh
at each others newness.
A night in the garden.
-
oranggunung
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 1393
- Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2007 9:15 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland
Ryder
This reads really well, imo. Is it about the pressures of relationships?
A couple of repetitions caught the eye.
Not the burden of expectation, or regret,
I expect they stand at the gate.
Give me a hand I can hold easy,
a foreigner, a black man with an easy walk.
Perhaps it would read even better with alternatives.
og
This reads really well, imo. Is it about the pressures of relationships?
A couple of repetitions caught the eye.
Not the burden of expectation, or regret,
I expect they stand at the gate.
Give me a hand I can hold easy,
a foreigner, a black man with an easy walk.
Perhaps it would read even better with alternatives.
og
Ryder,
Whilst a little bemused, I like this.
Over all thoughts first:
I like the simple unsteadiness and unease in this.
'Not the burden of expectation, or regret,
I expect they stand at the gate.
Swinging it back and forth, reminding me
of hinges I should have oiled.'
I think these are two nicely understated passages. There's that feeling of comfort from excluding the worries of expectation or regret and yet they still exist, occupying the back of your mind. I think the use of the hinges making noise is an excellent conceit that depicts, vividly, the idea of two problems quietly and unconsciously occupying you.
Give me a hand I can hold easy
adds to that previous unease, but never makes it seem dramatic. I like that a lot.
I would say, though, my problem is that the poem doesn't feel attached. It doesn't feel as though it has arisen from an immediate situation or an immediate scene and instead seems to just be a desire to hold a hand in the face of slightly etheral reasons.
I'm left with the question of 'why?!' Why does the hand of a black man or a companion save the writer from the garden they are in? Obviously it's a metaphorical garden, but terms like 'regret' and 'expectation' lead to me wonder at what these are referring to. The desire for safety (?) seems, then, very general, as though it's merely a sentiment of vague unease.
The sentiment I get: 'I feel uncomfortable, I need a friend'
I am more used to: 'So and so did this, or something is a bit difficult and I feel expectant because of them'
This isn't a bad thing, it's just somethingthat adds to the difficulty and sometimes accidental nature of the poem. 'a black man with an easy walk.' for instance, in this context, feels arbitrary and written only because it feels nice - not because it works within the context of the poem.
Poetry obviously doesn't have to follow a strict context, but it does make it a little more irksome to untangle. Does that make sense? If not I'll try and explain it a little more. It's a taste thing.
As for a more detailed criticism:
I like your sense of compression. At first the sentence following sentence structure is awkward but soon reads easily and I like how it reads as continued but fractured.
at each others newness shouldn't 'others' have a ' before 's'? (there always has to be one ! )
Initially I felt 'newness' was a bit of a over simplified word but I think it works really well. Behind it resides an intelligence and I think that's impressive to do. It reminds me of 'Spring and All' by WCW - he manages to make the word 'bluish' intelligent, and I think both your form and simplicity do the same.
I enjoyed this -
I don't really know how to describe or formulate what 'experienced' means, but I would like to see this moved there. Still, here's an attempt: 'experienced' for me suggests a poem that doesn't chime an off note and makes one look for faults. You made me dig here.
I hope that helps
Dave
Whilst a little bemused, I like this.
Over all thoughts first:
I like the simple unsteadiness and unease in this.
'Not the burden of expectation, or regret,
I expect they stand at the gate.
Swinging it back and forth, reminding me
of hinges I should have oiled.'
I think these are two nicely understated passages. There's that feeling of comfort from excluding the worries of expectation or regret and yet they still exist, occupying the back of your mind. I think the use of the hinges making noise is an excellent conceit that depicts, vividly, the idea of two problems quietly and unconsciously occupying you.
Give me a hand I can hold easy
adds to that previous unease, but never makes it seem dramatic. I like that a lot.
I would say, though, my problem is that the poem doesn't feel attached. It doesn't feel as though it has arisen from an immediate situation or an immediate scene and instead seems to just be a desire to hold a hand in the face of slightly etheral reasons.
I'm left with the question of 'why?!' Why does the hand of a black man or a companion save the writer from the garden they are in? Obviously it's a metaphorical garden, but terms like 'regret' and 'expectation' lead to me wonder at what these are referring to. The desire for safety (?) seems, then, very general, as though it's merely a sentiment of vague unease.
The sentiment I get: 'I feel uncomfortable, I need a friend'
I am more used to: 'So and so did this, or something is a bit difficult and I feel expectant because of them'
This isn't a bad thing, it's just somethingthat adds to the difficulty and sometimes accidental nature of the poem. 'a black man with an easy walk.' for instance, in this context, feels arbitrary and written only because it feels nice - not because it works within the context of the poem.
Poetry obviously doesn't have to follow a strict context, but it does make it a little more irksome to untangle. Does that make sense? If not I'll try and explain it a little more. It's a taste thing.
As for a more detailed criticism:
I like your sense of compression. At first the sentence following sentence structure is awkward but soon reads easily and I like how it reads as continued but fractured.
at each others newness shouldn't 'others' have a ' before 's'? (there always has to be one ! )
Initially I felt 'newness' was a bit of a over simplified word but I think it works really well. Behind it resides an intelligence and I think that's impressive to do. It reminds me of 'Spring and All' by WCW - he manages to make the word 'bluish' intelligent, and I think both your form and simplicity do the same.
I enjoyed this -
I don't really know how to describe or formulate what 'experienced' means, but I would like to see this moved there. Still, here's an attempt: 'experienced' for me suggests a poem that doesn't chime an off note and makes one look for faults. You made me dig here.
I hope that helps
Dave
Fuckinel Wab. You are very reactionary. Wait! read a bit longer, you consider it down so soon?...Jesus, you should be an interpreter for Putin.
Computin that is.
og. relevant points and changes made.
Both. was written in three minutes, with death in mind. After re-reading it I don't rate it at all.
Ryder.
Computin that is.
og. relevant points and changes made.
Both. was written in three minutes, with death in mind. After re-reading it I don't rate it at all.
Ryder.
Last edited by Ryder on Tue Apr 17, 2007 10:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Well Wabs has already given you a great feedback. What I liked the most is that the poem is short, and to the point. I agree with all the observations made by Wabs. But why a "black man"? Did'nt understand.
However, its an enjoyable read.
-Arunansu
However, its an enjoyable read.
-Arunansu
-
oranggunung
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 1393
- Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2007 9:15 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland
I think it reads even better.
The rhythm of regret and suspect in quick succession works well imo.
The rhythm of regret and suspect in quick succession works well imo.
As I said(not very elequently) this is about death, or the final walk through the garden, life/ earth.
Probably should have given a stark clue, but what would be the point of that?.....
Wab. Thanks for your initial and comprehensive response. Really gratifying that you got the gist of the thing and had the courage/ confidence to post your review immediately. Best kind of response. Sorry if my response seemed a little tight. I was 'tight'.
As to the Black Man question. Well, I am white yet wasn't trying to make that point through 'show and not tell'. Was saying I would like to walk that final walk as a human example, and how better than with another human who looks completely different? a celebration of the race.
I hope the friend/ companion thing works without explanation and Wab pretty much got it down.
It was written quickly this poem, in the moment and interestingly the only other poem I've written in this way and posted on here also recieved a WCW reference.......
thanks for the help og/ Wab and thanks for the response arunansu.
Probably should have given a stark clue, but what would be the point of that?.....
Wab. Thanks for your initial and comprehensive response. Really gratifying that you got the gist of the thing and had the courage/ confidence to post your review immediately. Best kind of response. Sorry if my response seemed a little tight. I was 'tight'.
As to the Black Man question. Well, I am white yet wasn't trying to make that point through 'show and not tell'. Was saying I would like to walk that final walk as a human example, and how better than with another human who looks completely different? a celebration of the race.
I hope the friend/ companion thing works without explanation and Wab pretty much got it down.
It was written quickly this poem, in the moment and interestingly the only other poem I've written in this way and posted on here also recieved a WCW reference.......
thanks for the help og/ Wab and thanks for the response arunansu.
.-
thefallofRome
- Posts: 47
- Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 3:16 am
- Location: southern california
- Contact:
it was a nice read, but i think that the first line could be more captivating in comparison to the rest of the poem. maybe it's the word "companion," but in my opinion, the introduction to the poem seems stiff, for lack of a better word.
and i loved
a foreigner, a black man with an easy walk
it's such a pleasant image that simultaneously articulates the speaker's point with unnerving clarity. i like that.
and i loved
a foreigner, a black man with an easy walk
it's such a pleasant image that simultaneously articulates the speaker's point with unnerving clarity. i like that.
Agreed. Poem came out of those the first two lines which initiated a whim. Would be very difficult to make them more meaningful now. Not a poem I can come back to.
Good practice writing stuff quickly though.
Cheers to the fall of rome.
Good practice writing stuff quickly though.
Cheers to the fall of rome.
-
Gypsy Cake
- Posts: 45
- Joined: Mon Apr 02, 2007 4:17 pm
- Location: Essex, UK
- Contact:
I can see nothing wrong with this. I just wish to compliment you on a good poem.