A Good Old Cup Of Tea.

[Duncan Williams.]

A Good Old Cup Of Tea.

Early morning when i wake up,
Their's a brew that waits for me,
It's nothing but the flavour,
Of a good old cup of tea.
From the kettle when it's boiling,
Brews the tea leaves to a taste,
That first cup in the morning,
Is one i wouldn't waste.
My favourite brand is Tetley,
'All Rounder', rich and strong,
Sweetened with a dab of milk,
Satisfaction to belong.
Early morning when i wake up,
Their's a brew that waits for me,
It's nothing but the flavour,
Of a good old cup of tea.



(c) Duncan Williams. 2007.

[Gypsy Cake]

Very good. Such a good topic to pick; it brings back all the feelings when you get that cuppa.
I can only fault one point:
"satisfaction I belong"
.. It tripped me up when I was reading because I wondered what it meant.

I'm thinking maybe
"to this tradition I belong"

neways I loved except for that minor point so look for to some amazing other poems. Dec

[oranggunung]

Duncan

I see you've been with the site for a little while now. Have you read the rules/guidelines recently?

viewtopic.php?t=2605

They advise against the use of copyright symbols by your poems.

The subject you've chosen is a straightforward one, but there appear to be a few grammatical errors in it.

Their's a brew that waits for me

I expect what you are trying to say is 'there is a brew that waits for me'.
The contraction from 'there is' to 'there's' is the one you should be using. The term 'theirs' refers to objects or actions belonging to 'them'.

It's nothing but the flavour,

I think 'flavour' could be replaced by 'saviour' here. The item itself is more than a flavour, surely?

From the kettle when it's boiling,
Brews the tea leaves to a taste,
That first cup in the morning,
Is one i wouldn't waste.
My favourite brand is Tetley,
'All Rounder', rich and strong,
Sweetened with a dab of milk,
Satisfaction to belong.

One shouldn't be a slave to the metre/rhyme/rhythm. This is a process I am learning at the moment, so am quick to observe in other's work.

I don't believe the punctuation or grammar are correct in the first four lines. After the word 'taste' a longer pause is necessary (full stop, semi colon?).

Satisfaction to belong.

I'm sure satisfaction is a word you would associate with tea, but I'd be surprised if this line was anything other than an advertising slogan. This may be the worst offender of bending the poem to fit the structure.

I'm not sure that the lack of capitalisation of 'i' is a good thing. Others (on this site) have mentioned that this is indicative of teenage angst; a sign of immaturity of the author.

I'm sorry if this appears a rather harsh crit for a beginner's poem. I am merely trying to pass on the advice that has come my way over the past few weeks. I'm sure twoleftfeet would advise you that you have a great song lyric here, and should be thinking about posting this material there. It does look like you could split the one large piece into three smaller sections (the 'chorus' separated from the 'verse').

On reading further (into your posting record) I discover that you have received the same advice as me, but have chosen not to act on it. This appears to defeat the idea of the site. If you're only here to post the same stuff time after time, it seems likely that you will alienate your fellow PG members. In some cases, it appears you already have.

og

[thoke]

Hi Duncan,

This doesn't do it for me, I'm afraid.

In sixteen lines, all it seems to say is, "I like tea". And the metre and rhyme seem very forced. For example, you say the kettle "brews the tea leaves to a taste", which doesn't really make much sense, and it seems you only say that so you can rhyme 'taste' with 'waste'. That is one of many examples; throughout the poem you seem to focus too much on rhyme and rhythm and not enough on actual poetry - it seems to be a case of style over substance. And to be perfectly frank (and maybe a little bit harsh), the style isn't very good in the first place... it sounds like an advertising jungle.

Perhaps you should experiment with free verse, and develop your writing skills without the distraction of trying to make things rhyme and fit the metre.

Ben

[kozmikdave]

Gidday Duncan

Seems like a lot of it has been said.

I am aware of the galloping bush poetry that has influenced your style and the subject matter is very much along those lines as well. If you want to improve the overall feel of this, it would be kind of nice to make it billy tea brewing over an open fire. As it is it is a wee bit bland.

Making good strong rhyming verse is hard work to get right and sloppy wording is amplified by the expectation of the reader. If you think any of the phases are a little odd yourself, then they are going to stick out like dog's balls to the reader. If it is an unusual term, use an asterisk to explain the meaning, as you would for a lot of Aussie slang.

I don't dislike rhyme. I actually like to write it, but the work has to be put in. I would try doing a big rework of this poem and try to get some good old Oz character into it, but make it more natural.

Hope that helps
Dave

[Duncan Williams.]

Thanking you all for your advise and encouragement.... regards. Duncan.