First,
I throw you to the floor
where you crouch,
a hazard to my morning liberty.
Then, lengthy preparations complete,
I commence to debilitate,
toss you into the gaping orfice,
watch you writhe
and wrestle
within the mechanical clutches
of your captor.
I relax,
happy in the knowledge that you will emerge -
only when I decree -
cleansed
of your temporary imperfections.
Outside,
after a brief struggle,
I have you pinned,
helpless,
to your ultimate destination.
And smile,
as you kick
grapple
and snatch
at the fresh air of your freedom.
Dirty Laundry
Lu,
Welcome to the forum (or welcome back, I'm not quite sure!)
Out of the four, this is my favourite of your posted poems, so I'll see what I can do critique-wise.
I think I'll jump into my problems with the poem first...
First,
I throw you to the floor is an interesting start, but I'm unsure about the 'First'? It has a decent kick, but makes the reader expect a list, or something extremely linear and dictated so. This is too enigmatic to be clamped down in bullet points - plus, you don't continue with it. If I was expecting a 'Second', I'd feel cheated!
I think I commence to debilitate, is an awkward line, it's a mouthful. But, it gets across the meaning perfectly, so I'm not sure.
A tiny thing - I assume 'orfice' is a mistype in the forum?
Those are my only main concerns (and half of them of minor, to say the least).
My main applause is for the versatility of this poem. I was reading it and, for the first three reads, I saw it as a vivid sexual metaphor. Everything here works. I didn't think the title was as literal as it is. Then, I suddenly saw what this is ostensibly about (the title). I think that's a stunning touch. The same themes, thoughts and strengths come from the same places, with either one. That's very, very clever writing.
The concluding five lines are perhaps my favourite. The length of the ending line contributes impressively to a sense of release, after the claustrophobia of the preceding lines.
I can't say much more than that really. Stylistically, I'm usually not a fan of this sort of writing (at times it is starkly minimal, and I can never hugely enjoy poems that work on an 'I' and a 'You' reciprocary structure), but this is a fantastic poem.
Oh and one quick thing. It's usually suggested people give around 2 crits for every one poem they post. Not a major thing, but something to keep in mind for the future. The forum slows down a lot, and so we sort of rely on new critiquers to add to our small bank of commenters.
You posted four poems here. That isn't in breach of any rules. But the thing I often find is that, when offering lots of poems, the poster never really gets any deeply focused attention on one poem and instead atomises the possible replies. So the responses may not be particularly abundant for these four.
I don't know what others think of this, but I suggest you post in the Experienced section (not that that really means anything!).
A great poem,
Thanks
Dave
Welcome to the forum (or welcome back, I'm not quite sure!)
Out of the four, this is my favourite of your posted poems, so I'll see what I can do critique-wise.
I think I'll jump into my problems with the poem first...
First,
I throw you to the floor is an interesting start, but I'm unsure about the 'First'? It has a decent kick, but makes the reader expect a list, or something extremely linear and dictated so. This is too enigmatic to be clamped down in bullet points - plus, you don't continue with it. If I was expecting a 'Second', I'd feel cheated!
I think I commence to debilitate, is an awkward line, it's a mouthful. But, it gets across the meaning perfectly, so I'm not sure.
A tiny thing - I assume 'orfice' is a mistype in the forum?
Those are my only main concerns (and half of them of minor, to say the least).
My main applause is for the versatility of this poem. I was reading it and, for the first three reads, I saw it as a vivid sexual metaphor. Everything here works. I didn't think the title was as literal as it is. Then, I suddenly saw what this is ostensibly about (the title). I think that's a stunning touch. The same themes, thoughts and strengths come from the same places, with either one. That's very, very clever writing.
The concluding five lines are perhaps my favourite. The length of the ending line contributes impressively to a sense of release, after the claustrophobia of the preceding lines.
I can't say much more than that really. Stylistically, I'm usually not a fan of this sort of writing (at times it is starkly minimal, and I can never hugely enjoy poems that work on an 'I' and a 'You' reciprocary structure), but this is a fantastic poem.
Oh and one quick thing. It's usually suggested people give around 2 crits for every one poem they post. Not a major thing, but something to keep in mind for the future. The forum slows down a lot, and so we sort of rely on new critiquers to add to our small bank of commenters.
You posted four poems here. That isn't in breach of any rules. But the thing I often find is that, when offering lots of poems, the poster never really gets any deeply focused attention on one poem and instead atomises the possible replies. So the responses may not be particularly abundant for these four.
I don't know what others think of this, but I suggest you post in the Experienced section (not that that really means anything!).
A great poem,
Thanks
Dave
-
twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6761
- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
Lu,
I'm assuming that the essential metaphor of the poem is the depiction of doing the laundry as a wrestling bout.
If I'm wrong , then I have absolutely no idea what
"I commence to debilitate"
could mean
- As Dave says, it's a bit of a mouthful.
Perhaps you could use "weakeners" which I believe is a wrestling term.
Similarly with
"pinned
"to your ultimate destination"
- Perhaps "pinned on the ropes" ? - Just a couple of suggestions.
I like the "fresh air" ending, but at the risk of sounding dumb, I couldn't
see the point of "freedom" except in an ironical sense.
For me
"kick and grapple with
fresh air"
- would work better. Others will no doubt disagree.
An entertaining read
Geoff
btw Dave is spot on about posting - stagger your posts and try to do 2
crits per poem posted.
I'm assuming that the essential metaphor of the poem is the depiction of doing the laundry as a wrestling bout.
If I'm wrong , then I have absolutely no idea what
"I commence to debilitate"
could mean
- As Dave says, it's a bit of a mouthful.
Perhaps you could use "weakeners" which I believe is a wrestling term.
Similarly with
"pinned
"to your ultimate destination"
- Perhaps "pinned on the ropes" ? - Just a couple of suggestions.
I like the "fresh air" ending, but at the risk of sounding dumb, I couldn't
see the point of "freedom" except in an ironical sense.
For me
"kick and grapple with
fresh air"
- would work better. Others will no doubt disagree.
An entertaining read
Geoff
btw Dave is spot on about posting - stagger your posts and try to do 2
crits per poem posted.
-
Gypsy Cake
- Posts: 45
- Joined: Mon Apr 02, 2007 4:17 pm
- Location: Essex, UK
- Contact:
I like it. It reads quickly and easily. Good simple imagery that allows breif humorous thoughts to flick through one's mind.
As with geoff and dave, I commense to deliberate seems a bit out of place. I tried reading round and decided that in my opinion that line could be simply left out. This was my only problem with such a nice, fun poem.
Dec.
As with geoff and dave, I commense to deliberate seems a bit out of place. I tried reading round and decided that in my opinion that line could be simply left out. This was my only problem with such a nice, fun poem.
Dec.
Hi
Thanks for taking the time to critique this poem, I really appreciate it.
Dave - It's welcome back, but as I only joined in November, I haven't been gone for long - I had a family bereavement, hence the lack of posts.
Anyway, my poem. No need to feel cheated re: "First, I throw you to the floor..." - you see, I had hoped that I quantified it by continuing with, "Then" on the fifth line! Or perhaps I didn't quite get away with it...
I totally agree with the "I commence to debilitate" bit - it's clumsy and wordy and won't do at all - I was trying to portray the power that I felt I had over the laundry (rather than it over me), after all, it was spoiling my plans just by being there, so I wanted to bring about it's downfall and knock the wind out of it's sails, as it were. Have to give that one some thought, or just leave it out. (And yes, orifice is a typo!)
It's great that you got the claustrophobia that I was hoping to convey, in contrast to the fresh air awaiting outside.
Oops - sorry about the 2 crits for each poem posted bit; I really didn't mean to flout the rules, I genuinely read it to be "critcise 2 poems before you can start to post" (and thereafter you don't have to). I am of course happy to offer my input (how else can a forum like this run successfully?), and will make sure I do my quota. The only problem I have, is that I can never find a poem which I would be the first to respond to, or even in the first three, because thereafter I feel as though I am just repeating what others have said before me, which is not helping the poster. Is it okay to trawl back a few pages/months to find poems that I feel strongly about, and can therefore comment on, or should we stick to the most recently posted?
With regards to Beginners/Experienced - to be honest, if anyone were to ask me, I would say I am experienced, but I thought everyone had to start by posting in the Beginnners section. Is it basically up to the poster, then?
Geoff - I am a mere woman, I have no idea about wrestling! Except I suppose I was wrestling with the laundry, and with my conscience, in wanting to be doing anything but!
I have already slapped myself on the wrist for the "commence to debilitate" bit, and I am glad that you concurred with Dave.
"The fresh air of your freedom" refers to the freedom that the laundry would like to have, were it not pegged ("pinned") onto the washing line, so I think I would prefer to leave it in. I suppose it is ironical, ie. my gloating at the laundry which cannot escape, whereas I can, now my task is complete.
I fully take on board what you say about staggering my postings - I just got a bit carried away, it's the first time I've posted any poems on any forum, and I was excited about the fact that there are people out there who will not only read them, but constructively criticise them, too!
Gypsy Cake - Thanks for the hat trick on the "debilitate" bit! I'm pleased that Dirty Laundry brought a smile to your face!
Hope to be back soon (to do my crits before I post my single poem...)
Lu
Thanks for taking the time to critique this poem, I really appreciate it.
Dave - It's welcome back, but as I only joined in November, I haven't been gone for long - I had a family bereavement, hence the lack of posts.
Anyway, my poem. No need to feel cheated re: "First, I throw you to the floor..." - you see, I had hoped that I quantified it by continuing with, "Then" on the fifth line! Or perhaps I didn't quite get away with it...
I totally agree with the "I commence to debilitate" bit - it's clumsy and wordy and won't do at all - I was trying to portray the power that I felt I had over the laundry (rather than it over me), after all, it was spoiling my plans just by being there, so I wanted to bring about it's downfall and knock the wind out of it's sails, as it were. Have to give that one some thought, or just leave it out. (And yes, orifice is a typo!)
It's great that you got the claustrophobia that I was hoping to convey, in contrast to the fresh air awaiting outside.
Oops - sorry about the 2 crits for each poem posted bit; I really didn't mean to flout the rules, I genuinely read it to be "critcise 2 poems before you can start to post" (and thereafter you don't have to). I am of course happy to offer my input (how else can a forum like this run successfully?), and will make sure I do my quota. The only problem I have, is that I can never find a poem which I would be the first to respond to, or even in the first three, because thereafter I feel as though I am just repeating what others have said before me, which is not helping the poster. Is it okay to trawl back a few pages/months to find poems that I feel strongly about, and can therefore comment on, or should we stick to the most recently posted?
With regards to Beginners/Experienced - to be honest, if anyone were to ask me, I would say I am experienced, but I thought everyone had to start by posting in the Beginnners section. Is it basically up to the poster, then?
Geoff - I am a mere woman, I have no idea about wrestling! Except I suppose I was wrestling with the laundry, and with my conscience, in wanting to be doing anything but!
I have already slapped myself on the wrist for the "commence to debilitate" bit, and I am glad that you concurred with Dave.
"The fresh air of your freedom" refers to the freedom that the laundry would like to have, were it not pegged ("pinned") onto the washing line, so I think I would prefer to leave it in. I suppose it is ironical, ie. my gloating at the laundry which cannot escape, whereas I can, now my task is complete.
I fully take on board what you say about staggering my postings - I just got a bit carried away, it's the first time I've posted any poems on any forum, and I was excited about the fact that there are people out there who will not only read them, but constructively criticise them, too!
Gypsy Cake - Thanks for the hat trick on the "debilitate" bit! I'm pleased that Dirty Laundry brought a smile to your face!
Hope to be back soon (to do my crits before I post my single poem...)
Lu
Great work! Enjoyed it. Have nothing new to say after reading the previous posts.
Thanx for sharing.
-Arunansu
Thanx for sharing.
-Arunansu
-
oranggunung
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 1393
- Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2007 9:15 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland
Lu
I like the novel take on a mundane subject. I take it from your responses that this wasn't the potential metaphorical allusion that Wab suggested.
Some (nit-picky) comments on the language or sense of the piece.
a hazard to my morning liberty.
don't understand the relevance of the time of day
Then, lengthy preparations complete,
what lengthy preparations?
I commence to debilitate,
apart from the awkwardness of the expression, it appears to be grammatically incorrect. OED states that debilitate means "To render weak". So shouldn't this be, "I commence to debilitate you,"?
to your ultimate destination.
not sure how many people would agree that this is the ultimate destination of clothes.
And smile,
as you kick
grapple
and snatch
at the fresh air of your freedom.
Really liked the rounding off of these lines, stirs up vivid images of windy washing days (perhaps a comma after kick?).
Perhaps, like the washing, there are a few creases to iron out.
og
I like the novel take on a mundane subject. I take it from your responses that this wasn't the potential metaphorical allusion that Wab suggested.
Some (nit-picky) comments on the language or sense of the piece.
a hazard to my morning liberty.
don't understand the relevance of the time of day
Then, lengthy preparations complete,
what lengthy preparations?
I commence to debilitate,
apart from the awkwardness of the expression, it appears to be grammatically incorrect. OED states that debilitate means "To render weak". So shouldn't this be, "I commence to debilitate you,"?
to your ultimate destination.
not sure how many people would agree that this is the ultimate destination of clothes.
And smile,
as you kick
grapple
and snatch
at the fresh air of your freedom.
Really liked the rounding off of these lines, stirs up vivid images of windy washing days (perhaps a comma after kick?).
Perhaps, like the washing, there are a few creases to iron out.
og
Hi Og
Thanks for your comments.
Morning liberty - when is the worse time to be tied to a task, if not first thing in the morning on a gorgeous sunny day?! And, as most good house-persons know, washing should be done in the morning, because to peg washing out on the line after midday is slovenly (or so my mum-in-law would have it!)
Lengthy preparations - at the time I wrote this poem, I only had a twin-tub washing machine, so I had to sort all the colours (lightest have to go in the water first, when the water is cleanest and hottest) and the fabrics (the less-hardy fabrics need to go in towards the end of the wash, when the temperature has cooled), then empty all the pockets, do the buttons up on the duvet cover to stop undies hiding inside, and turn anything with a motif on inside out, as the central spindle was quite vigorous in it's scrubbing!
Commence to debilitate - already well-discussed - I should never have used it!
Ultimate destination - in the contex of this task, the task of cleansing the dirty laundy, it was the ultimate destination! Admittedly, in the long life of an item of clothing, the ultimate destination is usually the charity shop, the bin or maybe dusters, but the washing line was 'the end of the line' for the clothes within the context of the poem.
Yep, there possibly should be a comma after "kick".
Creases duly ironed!
Lu
Thanks for your comments.
Morning liberty - when is the worse time to be tied to a task, if not first thing in the morning on a gorgeous sunny day?! And, as most good house-persons know, washing should be done in the morning, because to peg washing out on the line after midday is slovenly (or so my mum-in-law would have it!)
Lengthy preparations - at the time I wrote this poem, I only had a twin-tub washing machine, so I had to sort all the colours (lightest have to go in the water first, when the water is cleanest and hottest) and the fabrics (the less-hardy fabrics need to go in towards the end of the wash, when the temperature has cooled), then empty all the pockets, do the buttons up on the duvet cover to stop undies hiding inside, and turn anything with a motif on inside out, as the central spindle was quite vigorous in it's scrubbing!
Commence to debilitate - already well-discussed - I should never have used it!
Ultimate destination - in the contex of this task, the task of cleansing the dirty laundy, it was the ultimate destination! Admittedly, in the long life of an item of clothing, the ultimate destination is usually the charity shop, the bin or maybe dusters, but the washing line was 'the end of the line' for the clothes within the context of the poem.
Yep, there possibly should be a comma after "kick".
Creases duly ironed!
Lu