Still Wishes Play

[arunansu]

My smallish playground
is with grasses worn out
and weeds all around
after Spring left.
Bereft
of any florets in the middle
wishes still twiddle
in this field,
Trying to thrust my troubles
vault over the hurdles
dribble past some monotone duty
just as beaming children
sprinkling their joy
as iridescent lather
-the myriad bubbles
reflect
elysian dreams for me.


Amidst their middle,
I maybe scribbling some lines,
what if Spring forgets to return?

[Minstrel]

Sweet. I forward a motion to scrap beginners section.

perhaps:

I may scribble some lines:

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

I found this harder to read than your past poems. Seems you are trying out some new ideas which must be applauded. (Perhaps I just haven't quite got it yet.)

I agree with Minstrel that your poetry should be gracing the experienced forum. Your use of language is pretty special.

Cheers
Dave

[Lu59]

I liked this, but it did take me a couple of reads to suss it out. I love the original use of language, and the use of the rather archaic "Bereft" , "elysian" and "is with grasses worn out" (instead of "with worn-out grass", eg).
My only criticism (and it's more of a suggestion than a criticism) is that you could use punctuation to phrase the poem, and to ensure that the reader gets the correct meaning, eg.

Trying to thrust my troubles
vault over the hurdles
dribble past some monotone duty
just as beaming children
sprinkling their joy
as irridescent lather
-the myriad bubbles
reflect
elysian dreams for me.

could be written

Trying to thrust,
my troubles
vault over the hurdles,
dribbling past some monotone duty
just as beaming children
sprinkle their
iridescent lather of joy
-the myriad bubbles
reflecting
my elysian dreams.

"Amidst their middle" seems a bit clumsy to me, as amidst and middle mean the same thing, although I can't think of anything better!

I maybe scribbling some lines,
what if Spring forgets to return?

- how about

I, maybe, scribbling some lines;
what if Spring forgets to return?

That rhetorical question really works as a last line.
All in all, loved it!
Lu

[oranggunung]

Arunansu

like Koz, I found this difficult to read.

I think I follow the gist of the poem, but found the quirky style awkward rather than rewarding. I have enjoyed many of your other pieces. Unfortuantely, this one didn't work for me.

Is the second line an inversion? I thought this was a cardinal sin.


Wishes still twiddle.

Playful, perhaps, but it made me cringe.


Trying to thrust my troubles
vault over the hurdles

Not sure if a visual or loose rhyme was intended here. I think it stretches a little too far. I know brevity and concision are admirable qualities within a poem, but it feels like these ideas are too congested.


elysian dreams for me.

Not sure why you've chosen not to capitalise Elysian, when Spring is capitalised.


I maybe scribbling some lines,

I, maybe, scribbling some lines

or

I may be scribbling some lines.

Not sure the syntax is correct in its current format.


Looking at the quibbles here, I appear to be turning into a grumpy old man at an alarming speed. Never the less, I don't think this experiment worked. Like a salmon, I appear to be swimming against the tide. Perhaps I'm due to become extinct.

og

[Wabznasm]

Arunansu,

I would make the same comments about difficulty of syntax and lack of grammar as people above, but I've started to accept arbitrary punctuation as your style. So I'll leave it alone!

First a few comments on the way this works.

At first, this 'place' of yours is a playground. Then, however, it becomes a field. I found the jump a little confusing. You could be referring to the field as your ground of playing, but I still think it raises confusion more than anything else.

of any florets in the middle - I would ditch florets. For a start, flowers still exist in Summer (I'm assuming that is the time of your poem). I reckon a continuation of the colour of the grass would be more suited here.

wishes still twiddle
in this field,
Trying to thrust my troubles
vault over the hurdles - you say wishes are definitely still extant in this field. And yet, the term 'Trying' suggests that maybe they aren't, and that the narrator has difficulty gaining them. Would 'So I can', or something more definite preceding 'thrust my troubles' fit it better than this tentative start?

You imbue the poem with a great amount of sentimentality. These children, the arid field, still give the narrator a great sense of joy. But I'm wondering, is this senitmentality justified? The poem expresses your feelings of joy, because of these children, and yet the reader is left to wonder 'why?'. It's as though you are just rewriting some truisms of our time, that children are 'good'. I would like a few reasons explaining this happines - why do the children bring you joy? At the moment we don't know, and all I can gather from the poem is some unjustified happiness that seems to be all inclusive, all overpowering and suddenly apparent. Some analysis of why the children make you happy would be nice. Or why the field still has possibility of hope. Why do wishes still twiddle?

I read an excellent review of a book of poetry recently, and the comments remind me of my previous comments here:

Sweet, comforting, wry little confirmations that we are all special and wonderful, but without really saying how or why or why that's a good thing. - I think that's the problem here. Why is this all marvellous? How is this all marvellous? Is there a threat or conflict facing the narrator (apart from the dying field) that provokes a need to feel special, to write poetry?

I think vault over the hurdles is cliched.

Anyway, some enthusiasm from me:

what if Spring forgets to return? is a nice ending, and poses some possible darkness at the end of a happy poem.

Anyway, you use some lovely language throughout. I'm always a fan of Elysian, and monotone duty is better than monotonous duty.

My only problem with this poem, though, is that it seems unjustified and sudden. I've nothing to really empathise with as a reader, but all I'm offered is an author who is suddenly happy for reasons I cant quite latch on to.

I maybe scribbling some lines, - again, it's nice to see you revert to themes on poetry.

I hope some of that helps
Dave

[arunansu]

Dear All,

First of all thanks to everyone for commenting , specially Og and Wabznazm(for doing it so vividly, but not forgetting the others too).This actually happened to be a poem for a lost Love! Spring here symbolises the Love thats left, and the playground( or it can be a field even!) the poetic mind of the poem. The wishes play in his mind like children in his imagination. In realty "playground" is empty! Will Spring return? THAT'S THE BIG QUESTION! It may, it may not. But still, wishes play, just like children, thrusting out all the worries and hurdles.Thats the idea.

Hope this helps.

Wish to improve my writing next time.

Thank you all.
Cheers.
-Arunansu

[juliadebeauvoir]

My smallish playground
is with grasses worn out
and weeds all around
after Spring left.
Bereft
of any florets in the middle
wishes still twiddle
in this field,

Hi,
I think the first verse said it all--and left it on a whimsical note. What wishes do we all have that twiddle in the fields of childhood and Spring? And why is the grass worn, weeds abundant and florets gone?

The good thing is that even though we might not know that it is love lost from your point of view, anything in our own lives could be interjected. I found the rest of the poem not as enlightening as that first universal feeling o f loss and the inability to do anything about it.

Cheers,
Kim

[twoleftfeet]

Arunansu,

I always like to see writers experimenting, but, as others have commented, it can make for a difficult read - as with:

with grasses worn out

- which left me cold initially, but I have warmed to it since.

As for
wishes still twiddle
- this one didn't work at all for me, I'm afraid. I can't ever remember seeing twiddle used without the word with
Perhaps "I still twiddle with wishes" ?

Similarly
trying to thrust my troubles
-sounds incomplete
and
Amidst their middle
- sounds awkward, to say the least.

An enjoyable read, nevertheless
Geoff

[twoleftfeet]

Minst,

The Beginners' section has worked really well, of late.

There seems to be a fair number of people who need to swim around in
the shallows and clock up a few widths before jumping in the Deep End .

Geoff

[Minstrel]

Sorry Geoff. Was referring directly to poem, not poetry section. Unclear.

Cheers.