Jovial reflections
were dispelled by Diana’s appearance.
Gaunt and drawn,
a shadow of her former self,
she collided carelessly with Scorpio.
He, the consummate professional,
balancing adeptly on his tail,
made no commotion;
simply edged away.
The animals were better.
Great fireflies,
big as jumbo jets,
flashed
on their way past Ursa Major
(ploughing his crazy furrow).
Mackerel shoals of galactic magnitude
swam sedately through the Milky Way,
and flying fish
left trails of scintillant surf
at their transition between realms
of disparate viscosity.
I left the Big Top
as the lights went up,
pocketing my free pass.
celestial circus
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oranggunung
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Last edited by oranggunung on Sat Jun 16, 2007 6:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
Took me a couple of reads, but I think I get it now (please forgive me, my astronomical knowledge is severely lacking!). I like "made no commotion; simply edged away" - it portrays Scorpios restrained disdain at Dianas' inept and clumsy movements.
"The animals were better" completely changes the tone, so that we expect more vibrancy from the players in S2, and you did not disappoint. "Mackerel shoals...swam sedately" brings a visual calm in comparison to the brief encounter between Diana and Scorpio in S1, and then the assonance of "scintillating surf" brings to mind the swishing of fishy tails and flying spume - yet all this is occuring in the "ocean" of a night sky! Very clever.
The last three lines are simple yet say so much more - you can see all that for free, and the show goes on until dawn, ie. "the lights went up".
"The animals were better" completely changes the tone, so that we expect more vibrancy from the players in S2, and you did not disappoint. "Mackerel shoals...swam sedately" brings a visual calm in comparison to the brief encounter between Diana and Scorpio in S1, and then the assonance of "scintillating surf" brings to mind the swishing of fishy tails and flying spume - yet all this is occuring in the "ocean" of a night sky! Very clever.
The last three lines are simple yet say so much more - you can see all that for free, and the show goes on until dawn, ie. "the lights went up".
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twoleftfeet
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Og,
An entertaining read with a clever ending (Maybe capitalize Big Top?).
My only tiny quibble is that disparate viscosity seems rather
too technical (Not to mention the fact that I've looked it up
and still don't understand it!
I love scintillant surf - I bet it's even better than Daz....
Nice one
Geoff
An entertaining read with a clever ending (Maybe capitalize Big Top?).
My only tiny quibble is that disparate viscosity seems rather
too technical (Not to mention the fact that I've looked it up
and still don't understand it!
I love scintillant surf - I bet it's even better than Daz....
Nice one
Geoff
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oranggunung
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Many thanks for the crits and praise.
Like the idea of the Big Top, won´t change to caps immediately though.
Disparate viscosity is a technical expression, but I feel it is an important idea to maintain. Viscosity is the measure of a material's resistance to flow. You can imagine that it is easier to move through air than water, a transition that flying fish would make. However, it is also harder to move through the earth´s atmosphere than it is to move through the vacuum of space, a transition that a meteorite would make (an allegorical flying fish). In order to link these two ideas together, I felt I needed the technical description, as other expalanations would be too verbose.
I´ll keep persevering with the free verse.
og
Like the idea of the Big Top, won´t change to caps immediately though.
Disparate viscosity is a technical expression, but I feel it is an important idea to maintain. Viscosity is the measure of a material's resistance to flow. You can imagine that it is easier to move through air than water, a transition that flying fish would make. However, it is also harder to move through the earth´s atmosphere than it is to move through the vacuum of space, a transition that a meteorite would make (an allegorical flying fish). In order to link these two ideas together, I felt I needed the technical description, as other expalanations would be too verbose.
I´ll keep persevering with the free verse.
og
I'm joining in the chorus of approval, og. I like this a lot, especially the last three lines - they work beautifully.
Is there a hidden meaning to Scorpio being "the consummate professional"?
And, do tell, what are the "great fireflies"? I'll kick myself when you tell me, I'm sure.
A good one indeed.
David
Is there a hidden meaning to Scorpio being "the consummate professional"?
And, do tell, what are the "great fireflies"? I'll kick myself when you tell me, I'm sure.
A good one indeed.
David
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oranggunung
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David
Glad you liked it. The idea behind Scorpio being the consummate professional was, as a constellation, it is permanent in the night sky. Diana (the moon - hope the reference wasn't too oblique) changes daily, so is much more obviously variable.
The fireflies were jumbo jets (or other aircraft). Not sure if that's cheating, using simile to liken something to itself. I have seen fireflies flashing in the South American rainforest (some green, some orange), not quite as regularly as the planes, but poetic licence needs to exercised occasionally by poets.
og
Glad you liked it. The idea behind Scorpio being the consummate professional was, as a constellation, it is permanent in the night sky. Diana (the moon - hope the reference wasn't too oblique) changes daily, so is much more obviously variable.
The fireflies were jumbo jets (or other aircraft). Not sure if that's cheating, using simile to liken something to itself. I have seen fireflies flashing in the South American rainforest (some green, some orange), not quite as regularly as the planes, but poetic licence needs to exercised occasionally by poets.
og
Yep, I got Diana, although if I was being mean I might ask you to justify, in astronomical terms, "a shadow of her former self", and I got Hesperus as well, but I like your explanation of Scorpio as the consummate professional. That works pretty well.
Are constellations permanent in the night sky? They rise and set, don't they, or some of them at least? (The ones near the pole star don't, of course.) Or do you mean that, when you can see them, they always look the same, unlike the moon?
Interesting stuff, this astronomy!
Cheers
David
Are constellations permanent in the night sky? They rise and set, don't they, or some of them at least? (The ones near the pole star don't, of course.) Or do you mean that, when you can see them, they always look the same, unlike the moon?
Interesting stuff, this astronomy!
Cheers
David
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oranggunung
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Even when the moon is showing the thinnest of crescents, it is still possible to see the rest of the unilluminated moon. This was the shadow idea within the "shadow of her former self" statement. Perhaps the expression was a little overworked with a figurative and actual description.
Okay, point taken about the movement of constellations, but the stars themselves don't wax and wane (as you mentioned). Glad the explanation of the consummate professional held water.
There was some temptation to explore the possibilities of red giants and white dwarfs too, but I preferred working with the animal ideas.
Fascinating stuff indeed, but not as easy to enjoy as it once was, particularly in cities.
og
Okay, point taken about the movement of constellations, but the stars themselves don't wax and wane (as you mentioned). Glad the explanation of the consummate professional held water.
There was some temptation to explore the possibilities of red giants and white dwarfs too, but I preferred working with the animal ideas.
Fascinating stuff indeed, but not as easy to enjoy as it once was, particularly in cities.
og
The theme is very uncommon, though written brilliantly. Took me a few read to grasp the meaning, sounds great.
-Arunansu
-Arunansu
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oranggunung
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Calamity! My astronomical knowledge has been put to shame. It wasn't Venus at all, but Jupiter.
So, in the hope that it doesn't change the reading of the piece in a fundamental way, I'm going to change the first line.
Will capitalise Big Top too.
og
So, in the hope that it doesn't change the reading of the piece in a fundamental way, I'm going to change the first line.
Will capitalise Big Top too.
og
I had to brush up on my knowledge of Greeks and constellations (which never amounted to very much). At first I thought "Diana" was the princess Diana, but then realized that wouldn't be very celestial.
Gotta run, but I wanted to chime in to let you know I read.
- Caleb
Gotta run, but I wanted to chime in to let you know I read.
- Caleb
Since I am a celestial enthusiast this poem gives me pause to reminisce of my own adventurs in stargazing.
I gather the reference to the Big Top means that you find entertainment in your nighttime observations rather than seeing it as a confusing mass of events, peppered by moments of startling feats.
If you sought to use the circus as your metaphor for the movement of the night sky I would have avoided reference to the Jumbo Jets and maybe used fire eaters or the like.
Can I asked how long you were looking up when this poem came to mind?
I liked it. I am going to grab the telescope and sit in the backyard for a few hours tonight
Dag
I gather the reference to the Big Top means that you find entertainment in your nighttime observations rather than seeing it as a confusing mass of events, peppered by moments of startling feats.
If you sought to use the circus as your metaphor for the movement of the night sky I would have avoided reference to the Jumbo Jets and maybe used fire eaters or the like.
Can I asked how long you were looking up when this poem came to mind?
I liked it. I am going to grab the telescope and sit in the backyard for a few hours tonight
Dag