sidewalks peel back

[donjuaninhell]

you can['t] listen to the song at http://www.myspace.com/donjuaninhell because i don't know . . . but, as consequence, it is attached at bottom. it could use a re-recording, etc.

I

lorraine
i found you last may
with a bullet in your chest

and i'd hate to know
if they did anything
more

you were the world
to me
you were my glorious
beatrice

lorraine
all i can say
is your name

your face has peeled away

gonna find them
gonna make them bleed
gonna make them scream
gonna tie em in knots
gonna kill em all

gonna wind away
like a
cat on a string
or an
infinite repeat
of vengeance
and
trite ambition

II

sidewalks peel back
like nails or paint
on a wall

my hands are white
my face is pale
my eyes they

bleed, my eyes
they need

to see you

[kozmikdave]

Think I somehow missed this one.

Gruesome picture you paint here. i like it.

It goes from the discovery, to the relationship, to the vengeance, to the grieving.



In the stanza

gonna wind away
like a
cat on a string
or an...

I would be tempted to change that first image to something like -

gonna reel them in
like a
cat with a string
or an...

The image works better for me, but then it might be too close to the previous bridge.

Overall, I think it is pretty complete and has a great feel to it.

[beautifulloser]

Hey Don

This doesn't work on your myspace, can you attach the MP3.

Cheers

BL

[donjuaninhell]

hey, kd and bl i posted the original version i had on myspace if you'd like to listen to it. i don't know why it isn't working, but regardless . . . it's very low bitrate, 32 i think, so if you'd like to hear less static and humming i can send you the better copy. I also posted a second version, slightly updated and with a few chord changes etc. Both need a bit of polishing, but overall i think they're pretty solid.

and thanks kd for the words.

[cameron]

Don,

I like this. As I was listening to it I wrote down some descriptive words which I thought seemed apt. They were: raw, quiet, emotional, slow-paced, despairing, delicate, strained, troubled, charged and haunting. Was this the effect you were going for?

It reminded me a bit of Janis Ian. Anyone remember her:

http://www.janisian.com/

I have to say that occasionally your voice goes a bit out of tune. (Please don't take that the wrong way - as I'm somebody whose voice only occasionally goes in tune.) The high pitched section in the middle (is that the bridge? You can tell I've been reading koz's handy hints) is good but it seems to me that it needs to be worked more seamlessly into the body of the song.

Anyway, these are just my thoughts.

Keep 'em coming.

Cheers
Cam

[marten]

Hi,

I liked this one. The gentle picking works well with the vocal delivery. I liked the pause and then strumming and thought it felt promising but I don't think reaching for the high octaves really worked for me; as it seemed a bit jarring. Not that that's bad but it seemed a little out of place with the other textures and tones of the song. Perhaps the voice in that part, could have the same energy and effect on more of a midrange frequency. It might flow better with the rest IMHO. These are only some suggestions. Definitely a lot of good stuff in this song.

keep posting,

marten