My e-mail let me know someone is reading my poetry; so I thought maybe I would repost. This is my first haiku. I found the actual rules only yesterday, and I like it.
Noise, invades within.
Soul-piercing cacophony,
Elegant blast- quiet.
5-7-5
Noise
You shouldn't need to explain your haiku, let the reader decide. I think it conveys more than just the sound of bathwater - I quite like it.
You don't need to apologize for not posting a religious poem - Actually, this could be the most spiritual poem you've posted (albeit unconsciously).
Just one suggestion for the first and last line - Lose the commas and use a dash in the last line instead.
Noise invades within.
Soul piercing cacophony,
elegant blast - quiet.
Could be a poem about the timeless moment, not just about bathwater - Maybe there's no difference.
Barrie
You don't need to apologize for not posting a religious poem - Actually, this could be the most spiritual poem you've posted (albeit unconsciously).
Just one suggestion for the first and last line - Lose the commas and use a dash in the last line instead.
Noise invades within.
Soul piercing cacophony,
elegant blast - quiet.
Could be a poem about the timeless moment, not just about bathwater - Maybe there's no difference.
Barrie
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beautifulloser
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I thought of music that I hadn't heard before filling my senses.
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oranggunung
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Kil
I think this is far more accessible than your previous posts. There is great scope for contemplation by the reader, without clear direction (guidance).
I'm afraid I don't link the noise with bathwater, as soul-piercing seems to imply something all together louder. If the title were simply 'noise', I think that would allow the readers to find their own resonance with it.
One small nit. As I read it, the format doesn't quite fit that of a haiku. I see it as 5-7-6. However, it remains a haiku in spirit.
og
I think this is far more accessible than your previous posts. There is great scope for contemplation by the reader, without clear direction (guidance).
I'm afraid I don't link the noise with bathwater, as soul-piercing seems to imply something all together louder. If the title were simply 'noise', I think that would allow the readers to find their own resonance with it.
One small nit. As I read it, the format doesn't quite fit that of a haiku. I see it as 5-7-6. However, it remains a haiku in spirit.
og
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beautifulloser
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I know I have not offered much constructive critism of this, but I think oranggunung's comment eloquently summed up what I experienced/felt reading your haiku.
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oranggunung
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my syllable count goes as follows:I do however wonder what you mean by 5-7-6. Where is the sixth syllable?
el-e-gant - 3
blast - 1
qui-et - 2
total - 6
og
The sixth syllable will probably be in quiet - in most English accents it has two syllables - kwayet - I presume in your accent it has one.
'Elegant blast, quiet.' - 3 - 1 - 2.
That's the problem with counting syllables - So many dialects.
madawc
'Elegant blast, quiet.' - 3 - 1 - 2.
That's the problem with counting syllables - So many dialects.
madawc
That very well could be. I have an accent that bears the many cultures that have gone into my developement. I am a linguistic sponge as it were. I really like the Kent and Glasglow accent, Oh I had better not forget the Cardiff one as well. To the lady that was wondering about Kilravock- It is the name of my clan's castle in Scotland. I really wish that it was a Christian center. I hope to be gwailth-hwethyn there when I turn 30. It is a celebration of manhood. I am 18 now so i have a while to go.
That is our castle. Although it was sold some time ago, the family still has official property rights. You can stay the night there, or you could because it was a BandB for a while. It was sold by a great aunt of mine, horrible cold and viscious woman. I wasn't aware that there was any connection to the Church but I havent read all the history on the place. The castle was remodled, so now the rooms aren't as cold. Sorry about the gender bender I am a male also; I know how it feels I have a voice like Julia Childe.