Difficulty of saying Something (Edited)

[arunansu]

As I glided over the crest
and slipped
over the trough of your brow,
fringe of your eyelashes blushed
watching my ungainly plight,
somehow
all words sank deep into
the depth of the blue
orbs, my prying self questioned
is love a kind of illness?
To be cured, maybe
by a potion prepared from
petals of a delicate rose,
felt by your lips?


Your were telling stories
of how often love splits, yet lingers
I was roaming aimless
in a maze of polished fingers
toying disobedient tresses
teasing
my quivering wits.


After you went silent
and possibly feeling spent,
for the sake
of saying something
I fumbled up
‘when are we meeting,
yet again?’

The reply was
Silence.

[barrie]

This is a good poem but it could be made much better with a stronger ending. Maybe you could end it by keeping the silence intact, keeping the moment unbroken by words. Unless, of course, you want the main point of the poem to be about the failure to appreciate the joy of the present by thinking too much about securing future happiness.

My only other suggestion would be to re-word -

....my prying self questioned
is love a kind of illness?

Maybe

....my prying self asked (questioned)
if love is(was) a kind of illness? .......or

my prying self (asked) questioned -
"Is love a kind of illness?"

Nice one

Barrie

[donjuaninhell]

i have to agree with barrie and say that it needs a better ending. the last two lines sound very awkward . . . perhaps you intended that, but it seems as though you had a rhyme that got changed to something else, and so the "yet again" seems to hang onto the rest of the poem like a mole.

if it's difficult to say something, (maybe just difficult to speak, or difficult to say some particular something that you could replace the vagueness of something with) then i would maybe end it, like barrie said, with no one saying anything and both of you walking away, or one leaving the room (in what state is up to you of course), or more to that effect.

great diction, though . . . i particularly liked the phrase

I was roaming aimless / in a maze of polished fingers

because of the rhyme with lingers.

[twoleftfeet]

Arunansu,

I really like the second stanza:

Your were telling stories
of how often love splits, yet lingers
I was roaming aimless
in a maze of polished fingers
toying disobedient tresses
teasing
my quivering wits.

I would be tempted to say "toying WITH".

Like Barrie and Don, I feel the ending needs to be stronger, but I can't offer any suggestions because I'm unsure
of your intention

Good read
Geoff

[Elphin]

I really like verses two and three. Would it be too radical to suggest dropping stanza one - it has a few cliches such as love being an illness and "blue orbs" that IMHO detract from what follows.

I agree the ending needs to be improved but not sure to what, maybe "when can we meet, again."

E

[arunansu]

Thanks to Barrie, Donj, Twoleftfeet & Elphin.
I agree about the ending. I have now made some little change as you can see. Does this help?
-Arunansu

[beautifulloser]

Hi Again Aru

This a good poem, flows really well.

Only two criticisms:

1) The lines:

by a potion prepared from
petals of a delicate rose,

Is a bit cliche, is there anything more personal you could replace this notion of love with?

2) On the ending, I did not see the original so hopefully can offer something fresh. I think ending it on the suspense of the unknown when courting (will she/won't she?) would make for a better ending, absense making the heart grow fonder and all. I cannot think of something at the moment though!

Hope that helps.

Good one

BL
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