The Cockroach

[Merlin]

The Cockroach

From bistered hues to burnt sienna
and everything in-between.
scavenging freely and silently
and hardly being seen.

You think you’re so clever – don’t you?

Your shiny skeleton repulses me
And I wish for the day
it fails to grow anew
with your antenna broken and askew.

You have no morals – do you?

Creep, crawl, duck and dart,
you vile nocturnal hair-eater.
I do hope that my fingernail-fodder
will one of these days choke you.

You think you will live forever – don’t you?

Your fiendish character knows no bounds
as you slither about on your nightly rounds.
Stealthily stealing food and trash,
light goes on, and zoom… you dash
away and hide in any old crack
till darkness returns to bring you back.

You low-life, I will get you!

Slope and slide on up the walls
come beside me – got the balls?
No! you haven’t, you gutless freak,
upon you I shall have to sneak.

Got your prayer-book handy – Mr Scumbag?

I have a plan for you my foe
Prepare yourself for life no more,
no terrorizing me again
when I hit your head with my size ten.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

[Lexilogio]

I like this Merlin - it has a real dark humour!

There are one or two lines which come across as a bit forced for rhyme
"it fails to grow anew
with your antenna broken and askew"
and
"No! You haven't, you gutless freak,
upon you I shall have to sneak." (Generally you should capitalise after an exclamation mark - unless you want to make a point - or a mark)

But apart from these - you've done a good job here!
As a general idea - if you ever consider reprising the cockroach idea (I return to themes all the time), you could use the cockroach as a metaphor for something else - John Donne once wrote a very successful poem using a flea as a metaphor for love. Now that takes skill!

[David]

Man vs. cockroach - it's a damned close run thing. I like this one, Merl - very funny, although Lexi has rightly picked up some dodgy word orders. And you meant "bistered", didn't you? I thought it was a typo at first, but I checked and ... well goodness me, it is a word.

Where do you stand on Greek cockroaches? (It doesn't matter, as long as you stand on them.) I wrote a poem a while back that featured them, briefly (but not briefly enough). I'll try and find it ... viewtopic.php?f=3&t=5402&p=36425#p36425

Cheers

David

[Elphin]

Merlin

Nice one - I have learned two words from this and from daffodils, bistered and vivify so thats worth reading for. Favourite lines are "nocturnal hair eater" and "fingernail-fodder" and I would say this time the form is working for you. This centring on the page is growing on me and I like the lines in between verses.

As others note some forced rhyming and word structure but you can work on that. Soem specific observations.

I think last line of verse 1 needs another syllable e.g. hardly ever being seen,
the use of "duck" in verse three jarred, I think its bringing in another animal/bird. To keep the alliteration how about dash
IMO i would drop verse 4 as I am not sure it adds anything and maybe a bit forced in the rhyming.

Elphin

[Merlin]

Elphin – thanks..I agree entirely..

Especially the duck ….i will substitute for your word if you don’t mind…

Funnily enough I originally had another syllable in the last line and binned it!

[Merlin]

But apart from these - you've done a good job here!
As a general idea - if you ever consider reprising the cockroach idea (I return to themes all the time), you could use the cockroach as a metaphor for something else - John Donne once wrote a very successful poem using a flea as a metaphor for love. Now that takes skill!

Lex, I quickly wrote something last night, taking on board your suggestion......needs more work , as it seems awkward in at least 1 place....(help gratefully received)

Here it is:

The Divine Roach

Wait! Please my dear, spare that roach…
for our dear friend is beyond reproach.

That roach my dear is you and me,
don’t look aghast! As you will see
when I account how it came to be.

Do you recall our supper last night?
We ate some toast and spread marmite
across the last piece we shared in bliss,
do you recall our marmite kiss?

I thought you might – now listen to this!

When our tongues were entwined in kiss
there was something divine, which you did miss,
that roach you see before you now
Is part of us; in a way - somehow!

A crumb it dropped, on to the floor
rolled into a crack behind the door,
the roach looked up and saw me glare
at him aghast and the crumb laying there.

He nervously jigged from left to right,
then devoured his supper of toast and marmite.
The graceful movement which you now see
Is a part of us - you and me.
So in that roach so fair and gay
exists the essence of where we lay.

The kiss we shared was on that toast
which is now a part of the delightful roach,
so do think twice before killing him dead
by bringing your foot down on his sweet head.

[Transparent]

This is just plain 'ole funny...dark funny, of course. ; ) Fave line:
no terrorizing me again
when I hit your head with my size ten.

A little forced ryhme, and slightly sketchy syntax, but well worth the read. I, too, learned a new word.

[twoleftfeet]

upon you I shall have to sneak.
- upwith this I will not put!
- at the very least it should be "up on"!

Thanks for the laugh
Geoff