In the midst of sullen speak
Are threads of strength
But mostly weak
Where walls are built
Meek hearts retreat
Amongst the words of sullen speak
Crowd
-
ioansant
Not a bad poem, I would add my own thoughts:
Who view the walls as sullen speke
see not the roads that lead so meek
that nourish and inform the weak
Lay down the walls of sullen seek
And see those roads inform the weak
drive out the men of sullen speke
Regards
Ioan
Who view the walls as sullen speke
see not the roads that lead so meek
that nourish and inform the weak
Lay down the walls of sullen seek
And see those roads inform the weak
drive out the men of sullen speke
Regards
Ioan
-
beautifulloser
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 934
- Joined: Fri May 26, 2006 11:03 pm
- Location: South Of Watford
- Contact:
Hi Brenden
I think this is a really good effort, I liked S2 more than S1.
You've got a really nice idea for a poem here, the title is good too - not sure how right my interpretation is, but will do my best. Crowded thoughts and needing time to yourself away from crowds, some bloke once said that every man has their own citadel - that sort of introspection has an appeal to it, and comes across very warmly and is the sort of stuff I particularly enjoy.
In a poem so short, is the repitition of sullen needed? I don't agree with Ioan's suggestion - not trying to batter anyone's ego or nowt, just my opinion. If sullen is at the core, can you try and show what is sullen rather than just say it? I find I say that alot in crits Brenden, and I am guilty of not following through on my own convictions there 100% of the time, sometimes it's the difficulty of identifying with what you want to show, which is absolutely individualistic and hence my suggestion below may not get anywhere close to what it is that inspired this piece.
But anyway, I say this as it's repeated and it's a short piece and it's easy to empathise with a sullen feeling evoked from the poem as everyone who probably thinks a little more about things than they probably should- ignorance is bliss, after all - will get it, and simply I think it comes across inspiring more empathy than as ir reads at the moment.
My suggestion, hope it helps:
this sluggish mist is solitary
damp threads of strength
leer over me
where walls build meek hearts retreat
to meander through thoughts
paitiently
Just a quick suggestion, apologies as the meter is not quite right but just trying to communicate the point I was making in a more constructive, and I hope, helpful way.
Cheers
BL
x
I think this is a really good effort, I liked S2 more than S1.
You've got a really nice idea for a poem here, the title is good too - not sure how right my interpretation is, but will do my best. Crowded thoughts and needing time to yourself away from crowds, some bloke once said that every man has their own citadel - that sort of introspection has an appeal to it, and comes across very warmly and is the sort of stuff I particularly enjoy.
In a poem so short, is the repitition of sullen needed? I don't agree with Ioan's suggestion - not trying to batter anyone's ego or nowt, just my opinion. If sullen is at the core, can you try and show what is sullen rather than just say it? I find I say that alot in crits Brenden, and I am guilty of not following through on my own convictions there 100% of the time, sometimes it's the difficulty of identifying with what you want to show, which is absolutely individualistic and hence my suggestion below may not get anywhere close to what it is that inspired this piece.
But anyway, I say this as it's repeated and it's a short piece and it's easy to empathise with a sullen feeling evoked from the poem as everyone who probably thinks a little more about things than they probably should- ignorance is bliss, after all - will get it, and simply I think it comes across inspiring more empathy than as ir reads at the moment.
My suggestion, hope it helps:
this sluggish mist is solitary
damp threads of strength
leer over me
where walls build meek hearts retreat
to meander through thoughts
paitiently
Just a quick suggestion, apologies as the meter is not quite right but just trying to communicate the point I was making in a more constructive, and I hope, helpful way.
Cheers
BL
x
I'm sick of it, sick of it all. I know I'm right and I don't give a shit!
-
Cryptic Cadence
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 129
- Joined: Sat Nov 03, 2007 11:11 am
- antispam: no
- Location: Australia
I reckon another paragraph should have been added in between because it's really short.
'Threads of strength but mostly weak' - Nice line.
Also, 'Amongst words of sullen speak' would have flowed better, but I'm guessing what your referring to is specific enough to use 'the words of...' ?
'Threads of strength but mostly weak' - Nice line.
Also, 'Amongst words of sullen speak' would have flowed better, but I'm guessing what your referring to is specific enough to use 'the words of...' ?
Brendan wrote:In the midst of sullen speak
Are threads of strength
But mostly weak
Where walls are built
Meek hearts retreat
Amongst the words of sullen speak
Hi Brendan... you are telling a story here, that is possibly much more interesting and would be so with a few more stanzas... once you`ve got my attention, make the most of it!
The only thing I am not comfrtable with here (and in most places) is the word `But`. There almost always has to be a better choice for that.
"Poetry's unnat'ral; no man ever talked poetry 'cept a beadle on boxin' day, or Warren's blackin' or Rowland's oil, or some o' them low fellows; never you let yourself down to talk poetry, my boy." C. Dickens
interesting, never thought of the 'but' issue.
A few people have said they want more from this. Sometimes wonder whether giving more detracts from the concise nature of it, but I do take your point. I think Im going to play with maybe a couple more stanzas and see what I come up with. Glad you like what I have so far though.
thank you
A few people have said they want more from this. Sometimes wonder whether giving more detracts from the concise nature of it, but I do take your point. I think Im going to play with maybe a couple more stanzas and see what I come up with. Glad you like what I have so far though.
thank you
A re-work!
In the midst of sullen speak
Are threads of strength
Though mostly weak
Truth and life
enfold deceit
through dense sweet breath
Such coarse release
I'll build my walls
my hearts retreat
Among these words of sullen speak
In the midst of sullen speak
Are threads of strength
Though mostly weak
Truth and life
enfold deceit
through dense sweet breath
Such coarse release
I'll build my walls
my hearts retreat
Among these words of sullen speak