Jesus Christ Cain (Mile/Minus)

[Sean Sweeney]

I've chosen the first poem I want to put up. It was originally a song that i wrote for my band. This goes some way to explain the disjointed clumsy feel, as we are readiohead-esque. Anyway enough talk.

(I am an atheist btw, so no religious meaning in this at all)

Jesus Christ Cain (Mile/Minus)

To watch
from those large windowless glass walls. I see
thunder.
I see darkness in the wilderness.
A combination of dirt roads
and concrete.
I must cross over sides
to reach my destination.

I can run. But not at all fast.
A walk, slowly paced.
Muddy shoes in this tar filled street
With no lighting.
Pitch black, I can’t see the sky.
But I can see the statue.

They say it’s Jesus Christ Cain.
the crowd has gathered.
Beneath the statue they huddle.
The lightning probes in their direction.
It finds the metal of the statue…
The crowd rejoice.

Walking past a girl in a parka.
She wears that and nothing else.
Casually she rubs her cunt. The imagery
creates a cruel smell.
She does not hesitate at the sight
of me. She passes to my relief.
A quick glance and she gives chase.
I can run but not at all fast. I fear for
my life, as her arms outstretch in the most
malicious way. I can run; but not at all fast.

[end]

Please humour my abilities =P

[camus]

"Jesus Christ Cain"

Is a great title, being a Radiohead fan, I can see where you are coming from.

I would say though, this is still a song!

You can get away with cliches in a song, (provided of course you have sweeping orchestral electronica to back it up!)

Not sure it works as a poem? Nothing new to grab the reader:

darkness
wilderness
streets
smelly cunts

Nothin new, although I did like the ominous "Statue" that is an example of allowing the reader some space to interpret!

Perhaps you'd be well visiting the Lyrics section? have you checked that out? you can post your own songs!

viewforum.php?f=24

cheers
Kris

[Merlin]

Sure liked this - agree with Camus though.....works a song, possibly not as a poem...

Some great lines:

I can run. But not at all fast (possibly clichéd , but I like it – suits the write)

Don’t know if there is a pun here:

Muddy shoes in this tar filled street
With no lighting.
Pitch black, I can’t see the sky.
But I can see the statue.

This is an interesting line: (imagery creating a smell?)

The imagery
creates a cruel smell.

Yeah, I liked it….def a song type write though!

Cheers Sean

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

Similar comments to the others really. Personally, I'd like to hear it played. (another Radiohead fan).

We could easily move it over to Song/lyrics section if you so desired. Nice to have another songwriter on board.

[Sean Sweeney]

Move it to the lyrics section if you wish. I guess that's where it belongs. I posted it here, because it's one I have alot of trouble with. It means alot to me but I'm struggling to turn it into something decent. Thanks for the comments. Nice to see many radiohead fans *waves.

Sean Sweeney

[ioansant]

Maybe it’s best placed in the music section, lots of disjointed thoughts and wishful wanting to be profound but it lacks any kind of grace and is blasphemous. It creates a revulsion when read in the words ‘cunt’ and ‘bad smell’, sure, they shock but why would anyone want to sing about it? The ending resembles a bad dream, it’s time to wake up and write something good.

‘large windowless glass walls’, this doesn’t make sense, a windowless wall makes sense, a glass wall makes sense but a windowless glass wall doesn’t make sense to me, although it may sound poetic it confuses. Maybe some other simile could be better used.

‘I must cross over sides’ this line is merely bad grammar, if there was a purpose for it then it could stand in poetry, but I see no purpose it does not add any value to the poem.

‘The imagery creates a cruel smell.’ Probably the best line in the whole poem, although vulgar it is evocative, although it repels when used with the preceding line it shows that you have a poet in you.

‘Jesus Christ Cain’, these words for me are blasphemous; I find them sad and comment no more other than to say I’ve read far worse in this forum, as a Christian I know that to be here I will come across sentiments like this. It’s the same with most other forums that are not specifically Christian.

[end]



I probably should not comment on this kind of poem at all, but maybe I can show how much it hurts the Christians on the site to see the name of the Lord we love used this way.
‘Please humour my abilities =P’ You ask at the end for clemency about your work, that we treat you kindly, if only you could have shown clemency to us.


Regards

ioan

[beautifulloser]

Hi Sean

A RH fan here too, not getting the title though . . . .

I have found that lately this sort of stuff has an appeal - don't take it the wrong way, but it strikes me as non sensical - nothing wrong with that and there are lines that "make sense" but it lacks a wholeness. For me, I struggle to see this as a poem or a song - allbeit, you can make the rhythm and pace of a song work around these lyrics.

It has an odd sort of "cut up" feeling about it, which I like. There is a kind of vague Yorke-esque quality to the lyrics, they're not quite absurd enough though. You can almost make the melody of Karma Police work to this, and in that context it sort of feels right.

Sorry there's not more meat there, if you have a version or could record one, I'd be interested to see how you deliver it - I might start "feeling" it a bit more with a vocal and music behind it.

As for Ioan's comment, I cannot profess to having read all of your posts - he may have a point . . . . I guess the clear dichotmy between you warrants and reciprocal stamping of sensibilities, I reckon you should settle it with an arm wrestle - Sly Stallone, Over the Top sort of affair - with guys drinking oil and stuff, I'll put up the money for the winning prize, which would be a truck, naturally.

Cheers

BL
x

[twoleftfeet]

Sean,

I'd like to hear the atmosphere that would be added by music - alas, all I'm getting at the moment is a
pseudo-esoteric fog. Then again, maybe that's to be expected because I'm the one person I know who is turned off by, and turns off, Radiohead

Geoff

[Sean Sweeney]

ioan I'll address you first. Thanks for your criticisms. First of all I am very sorry that this has offended you. As I said this has no religious meaning, and I in no way intended to shock by using the Christian god in such a song. you said "The ending resembles a bad dream, it’s time to wake up and write something good." You are exactly right... sort of. The title Jesus Christ Cain comes from a recurring dream I had/have. Where Jesus Christ Cain is repeated constantly on the radio. To your second point, I came here to learn how to write poetry. I have absolutely no experience or education in poetry, but after writing lyrics for many years I want to learn. I apologise again for offending you. As for singing about "cunts" and "bad smells", different strokes for different folks.

To the rest of the posters thanks you for commenting. There's no real music been laid down yet. We have played the lyrics to music quite a few times, but always end up back to the drawing board. That's really why I posted. The lyrics are the problem. We wanted to get away from the cliché’s but it's hard. Because it means so much to me I'm determined to make it useable. I re-wrote the whole thing today, didn't spend long on it though. Suffice to say,

"To watch
from those large windowless glass walls. I see
thunder.
I see darkness in the wilderness.
A combination of dirt roads
and concrete.
I must cross over sides
to reach my destination."

Has been changed to something a bit more explanatory.


If a moderator could move this it'd be appreciated. Thanks.

[ioansant]

You're ok guy Sean, God bless you.

Ioan