Entrepreneurial Connotations

[beautifulloser]

roundhouse wallop
this alarm clock bollocks
gaggles waddling mindlessly,
through scattergrapgh blots
bleeping radar dots
that track the proletariat

pond like towns
of data go round
the satellite lilly pad habitats
where giving souls
grow unit's whole
whilst ironing out their tapestries

zap, bing,
alarm clock rings,
wallow in rewards that money brings
exerts energy to problems
those whom demand -
"table" - at board meetings

up we go, get it sorted
no time to pause or absorb it
hit it running, dent the floor
we'll have you coming back
for more

[beautifulloser]

Erm, hello. Don't be shy people, just a bit of frivolity - destroy it as you will. Gave it a go following a suggestion from Wab to give some light verse a try . . . .

[Sean Sweeney]

I'm not really sure what to say about it. I really liked it. It reminds me of a Subterranean Homesick Blues type of song. Sorry it aint much.

[Merlin]

Comrade

This is a nice little rant...

Very serious material, but you have written it with humorous effect...its quite enjoyable...some clever littel internal rhyming too...

However...some words I am not sure of or waould consider changing...

extrinisic
proletariat

Thanks....enjoyed it...

[beautifulloser]

Hey Up

Soz, I've just reliaed I've bumped all my posts, not intentional like but have not come back to this - so anyone who cares about such things, I apologise. . . .

Sean - cheers, yeh it's that Chuck Berry kind of fast paced thing I know what you mean - from my own personal point of view I see that as a positive thing! I hope!

Merlin - I am Vladamir, I have come to make love to your family. Good call on extrinsic, what about "wallow in" as above, any better? I really could not think of anything bettere than proletariat and it really delivered home that first verse for me, any suggestions?

Thanks for the read chaps, little apprehensive posting as not my usual sort of stuff but feel encouraged to give some other things a try in this sort of style.

BL
x

[charbird]

Hi - my first crit! I shall step forth shakily...

I really like the pace of this poem but I think a little more punctuation in places would help it and not necessarily slow it down. that may just be a personal preference though.

Must say, I do like the use of the word proletariat, similarly tapestry.

Cx

[David]

Beau, you haven't expressed a preference for BL (or bl) so I shall continue to address you thusly, Sean is right - there is a Subterranean Homesick Blues feel to this. (Feel? Vibe? What do you young folk say nowadays anyway?)

The rhythm of the last verse is quite different from the previous three - intentional, or do you want to fix that?

I like the energy of this. No wandering lonely as a cloud - straight in there with your size tens.

Cheers

David