Specific Subtypes

[beautifulloser]

The next solstice I’d be going, you know, all in control, delving in the stratosphere for a piss-up on
Alcatraz all feared up and loathing-esque with a box-full o' snafu knawing in my underpants -

warrants a corresponding belief in something or other
those stir-fry mathematicians went utterly fucking bonkers
squashed inside a serried nest of self made contradictions
as did the piggy zapping spliff head - marvellous chap, that
invented a crazy transcendental stance, combining engineers and poetry
shat pants and fag burns on the floor and psalms all medicinal
sedating blobs of wood attached to strings of rusty super-glue

a permanent deprecating thought trumpet
manufactured by Geshizzermebits Inc.
"for disorder in the cosmos' taxonomy"
strung out over single variables
with notes of others possibly?

..clink . . . puff . . .

- service will be resumed after a jump start -

I mean, what else did you expect?
I'm not trying to make noise.
I'm trying to make sense.
If you can't make sense from nonsense, well -
I’m sure that's contradictory
or is that more like alchemy
actually?
though geography’s not my faculty
I've dabbled with junior sets of chemistry
mounted pilchard tripe on modernist philosophy
and all I can say,
is that it seems alright
though I've never actually read any

"The next solstice I’d be going, you know, all in control, novel writing from a first person perspective with a Greek name for my pet dog"

[Merlin]

Well...BL...... this is just bonkers ...but I love it...

will have to come back at a later date.after a few, few more reads ....but enjoyed very much.....its a style I like...well done...

[barrie]

I think you should re-title this as 'Thoughts from the Couch' - a labyrinthine ramble. All I can say is that once I began, I just had to finish. Keep off the pure adrenalin.

weird one

Barrie

[Cryptic Cadence]

It was going well, it's nice, but the cuss words ruined it.

[David]

I think you may have found your groove, beau - I really like this. It's an organic thing, I can't take it to bits, but like Barrie says, once you've started, you can't stop. Great!

Cheers

David

P.S. Try not to overdo the chemical aids to composition.

[beautifulloser]

Whoops! Didn't see you there David.

Thanks very much, I feel more comfortable with this stuff, but it does drain you, this went through several drafts over several days (lost count).

And don't panic, not trying to scare you, this was largely composed sober. Obviously, it goes without saying there was some wine running through me veins but after the first line of each stanza the rest flowed out quite comfortably.

Not that your closing comment should be completely ignored of course!

Thanks David - pleased you like this, I thought you'd eventually get round to it and wasn't sure how it might be received . . . .

Beau

[Cryptic Cadence]

Toodle dee Toodle dum.

Who cares, keep rattling on about how you nurtured this place. Doesn't mean much to me. I just joined the forum. I will see acknowledge your most venerable deeds to this forum later.

[Wabznasm]

BL,

Want me to clean up the thread and delete a few posts? Take it back to criticism? (I'll give you my thoughts soon too)

EDIT - Ok, I've wiped the offending posts.

Dave

[beautifulloser]

Please Wab, just delete them if you can. Thoughts appreciated, you mentioned I sould give some light verse a try, which has culminated into this after some reading and a few bottles of wine. Ta.

[Cryptic Cadence]

I re-read this, and it seems to me that it's some kind of psycopath you are describing?

A few run on lines, seems like whoever the narrator is exhausted, almost like a rap song. It's a good poem, but you know my dislike for cuss words in poetry
What is it doing in the beginner's section anyways. The last paragraph was really good, it's just an uncontrolled poem, totally different from other styles here, which is nice . A fast poem in a long structure, if there ever was one before.

I mean, what else did you expect?
I'm not trying to make noise.
I'm trying to make sense.
If you can't make sense from nonsense, well -
I’m sure that's contradictory
or is that more like alchemy
actually?
though geography’s not my faculty
I've dabbled with junior sets of chemistry
mounted pilchard tripe on modernist philosophy
and all I can say,
is that it seems alright
though I've never actually read any

Fits perfectly as a rap song. Try rapping it.

[sam]

i just tried a bloody reply to this and it logged me out.
i best keep this one shorter.

i liked this - good to know someone else is seeing this madness too (sounds like a recollection of the next 'full moon party').

in whatever line it was, how about 'engineering' instead of engineers?

the last verse sounds a bit like an apology for the stuff that preceded it. maybe, to legitimise this more you could put the soliloquy about what you'd be seeing at the next solstice in quotation marks?

i'll b back soon with a better crit after sleep.

i liked it.

cheers
gareth

[beautifulloser]

Guys

Thanks.

Jude - a crit! Blimey. Funny you say, I'm currently ripping off Bob Dylan's 115th Dream and working the words (with somne changes into it) if Iit ever gets finished I'll post it for you! Thanks.

Sam - Hey comrade! Aye. Engineering is what it should be I agree, that extra syllable sort of messes up the flow I think, not sure, but you;re right, that is what it should be.

the last verse sounds a bit like an apology for the stuff that preceded it. maybe, to legitimise this more you could put the soliloquy about what you'd be seeing at the next solstice in quotation marks?

Great suggestion, something I could relate too immediately and the line just popped in my head - what do you think? Make sense? (stupid question I suppose, but you know what I mean).

Beau
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[Wabznasm]

Because of the set up, the content, and the tone, I can't crit for this trying to be a 'traditional poem'. And that means you've made it your own. Nice one.

I'm getting Chris Morris, William burroughs, Dose One and Alex DeLarge.

Can't say much else besides the fact that I enjoyed it. Especially because everything was linked by a narrator and never too off in space. Yes, really good job.
Dave

[beautifulloser]

Hey Dave - didn't mean to jump this as it's had enough views, just wanted to say thanks, your comments are warmly received and understood - where to start really?!

Anyhoo - thanks for giving it a read.

Beau
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