Displays Fleeting Signs of Promise

[Sandbanx]

Displays Fleeting Signs of Promise

She made eye contact.
With the wall
above the couch where I.
Reclined.

Asked:
'Do you know wankers
in Brixton?'
'No.'
'Then how can you aspire to modern poetry?'

Angst?
You have that?
'No, 'fraid not'.
My eyes corner saw.
Her head shake. Sad.

'This', she said,
'is going to be.
A lot more work than.
I signed on for.'

'Sigh....'
'Resigned!' she picked up.
'... good, good.....
a decent start.
I suppose'

'I have roses....
in the garden.'

Grimaced.
'Lovely'
Sarcastic.
'Try that....

Some one may read it.
But honestly.
I don't know who.'

'I give up.'
She brightened.
'Suicidal!
Excellent.

Now.
We are getting.
Somewhere.

[Cryptic Cadence]

I know you did the full stop on the penultimate lines in each stanza on purpose, but it still made the poem rather difficult to read.

[David]

Sandbanx, that's a rather depressing view of modern poetry, isn't it?

CC's sharp eye spotted the full stops - mine didn't at first - but I don't see the significance of. Them.

Re wankers / in Brixton - I suspect they're probably in Hoxton now.

And Angst? No? Come on, we all have angst, even it probably looks a bit different now from what it did when we were teenagers.

I liked:

'I give up.'
She brightened.
'Suidcidal! [SPELL-CHECK!]
Excellent.

Very witty.

So don't you give up. Equally, if (as I think) this is a poem born out of the despairing thought that no-one likes your poetry (which I doubt), I don't think you're going to get anywhere by imagining erroneous reasons for that dislike. I like roses in the garden. Write about them! (But well.)

Cheers

David

[Sean Sweeney]

I rather enjoyed this. the full stops however, I dont really see the point in them and they are extremely distracting. It seemed like it could also be a bit sharper. Like Dave said, some bits are quite witty, but fails to be consistantly snappy. Bit of re-writing, could be very dark and funny.

Some might find the subject matter a bit off putting. But if it's handled with a good bit of humour, then it can be quite a good read.

[Elphin]

I found this more amusing rather than depressing and I made the assumption that the plethora of periods were part of the point being made.

It does need tidied and tightened up.

Elphin

[Sandbanx]

Cryptic, David, Sean, Elphin, Thank you for your comments. Much appreciated.

I had meant this as a bit of a spoof, being that most of the poems I write are much more on the lighter side, and most of the poetry sites where I post them are populated by angry, dark, dismal souls who more often than not call them 'crap', and who, at best seem to believe modern poetry has no merit lest it be littered with anger, depressed thoughts etc. Hopefully this place is different.

With that in mind I interupted the cadence with needless punctuation that they seem to enjoy. Threw in the 'wanker' comment (seems to be a word at the fiorefront of their thoughts for some strange reason), and all of the other things that you mention. The 'roses' are a very oblique reference (he would have preferred perhaps apples) in passing to the work of Laurie Lee, one of my favourite poets.

But, as I read here often.... if it needs 'splainin', I have not necessarily done my job. I'll try and fix that.

Tidy it up? Maybe. Or perhaps I'll file this under "Things Geissel Would Not be Pleased With", and carry on with what I like to do best.

Thanx again...

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

Agree with the comments about the penultimate period. I didn't notice - just thought the grammar was appalling in places. Read the comments and reread - Ah-ha.

Brixton - not talking "prison" are we? Hehehehe.

I liked the comedy in the piece.