It's been some time

[Brendan]

I am actually quite scared to post here reading some of the comments that are made. Be gentle, first post

lines on a face
long forgotten

warmth in a touch
lost in our past

nervousness spoken
as if we are strangers

hope in a glance
hope at last

[Merlin]

This about bumping into an old flame, Brendan...?...or God forbid...an ex-wife

I like the flow...dont really know what to say about these shorties...only that they seem to be all the rage nowadays ..

You not using punctuation deliberately?

Cheers....

[barrie]

The third couplet doesn't flow like the other three -

nervousness spoken seems a little clumsy.

unsure words
breaking a path - just a thought.

Welcome to the forum

Barrie

[Lake]

I find these are parallel lines, if used well, it is a good way to express one's feelings and emotions. Rhythms and musicality play an import role in this kind of style as Barrie suggested.

I read a broken relationship here.

Welcome,

Lake

[Brendan]

thanks guys really appreciate your comments. Will look at the third couplet and see if i can hone it somewhat.

Its actually about meeting an old friend and realising a very deep hidden feeling.

[Sandbanx]

I was hoping to see a reference to 'recognition' in the last bit.

But I enjoyed this.

[twoleftfeet]

I normally want to retch when I read romantic poems because they are so corny and OTT - but I rather like this one.
It is terse , almost reticent , just like the protagonists.
I agree with Barrie about "nervousness spoken" but cannot offer any alternatives

Good read
Geoff

[Brendan]

cheers guys. Still working nt he nervousness spoken. For some reason i still really like the phrase but shall give it some more thought. Glad it did not make you wretch, cant think of anything worse that a poem could do to a person!

thank you for your comments

[Bahadur]

As if we are strangers seems a little out of place in terms of its metrical count.

The poem seems a little too cute for the tension that it's portraying. Otherwise, I liked the flow.

I think nervousness spoken works--it depicts the insecurity of the poem by how the word breaks the rhythm.

[Elphin]

Belated welcome - good first post.

Coming late to this and benefitting from other comments I think nervousness spoken might just work because it breaks the metre and by doing this illustrates the words.

Having seen how you explained the piece I do wonder whether you would consider changing the "hope" in the last line to something that recognises that deep feeling - maybe "I know at last" or "I'm sure at last"

Just a thought for you.

Elphin

[Brendan]

thanks for this - having read all the comments, and mused over the 'nervousness spoken' element I do feel now as others have said that the change in tempo by using this word does work and gives the phase more meaning. As for the last element, I do still like the 'hope at last' simply becuase the poem was not written out of desperation for something to materialise simply becuase nothing had, it was simple hope that was born from a glance.

so, and I dont want to sound as though I am being arrogant here becuase the comments made have been really helpful and thought provoking which is always very positive, I think I am going to stay with it in its present form. It is actually once of the peices I have written that I actually like more than others.

Cheers guys, your wise words have been very helpful.