Last night as I lay in bed I felt your arm around my waist
I felt your body draw near to mine
With your breath on my neck
And your hand on my chest
I have become so contented with you
As we lie here I know I shall not find greater peace
As I lie here I pray this dream to be real.
Last night
Nice surprise sprung in the last line, Brendan. I confess that I didn't see it coming.
The line As we lie here I know I shall not find greater peace rings a bit hollow for me. It has that sort of biblical diction that doesn't seem appropriate at all. (Note, that is a literary criticism, not a moral one.)
Cheers
David
The line As we lie here I know I shall not find greater peace rings a bit hollow for me. It has that sort of biblical diction that doesn't seem appropriate at all. (Note, that is a literary criticism, not a moral one.)
Cheers
David
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beautifulloser
- Preponderant Poster
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- Location: South Of Watford
- Contact:
Hi Brendan
Have to agree with the venerable Big D there, nice ending which opens it up - is it the dream of an ex or some "unknown". . .
Hmmm, I know what David means, actually I do think this could be expressed better perhaps. How do you know you won't find greater peace?, could you show us what it was as to infer it rather than state it?.
Having said, you got me, having recently being enjoying the pains of some relationship turbulence.
Hope it helps
Beau
x
Have to agree with the venerable Big D there, nice ending which opens it up - is it the dream of an ex or some "unknown". . .
Hmmm, I know what David means, actually I do think this could be expressed better perhaps. How do you know you won't find greater peace?, could you show us what it was as to infer it rather than state it?.
Having said, you got me, having recently being enjoying the pains of some relationship turbulence.
Hope it helps
Beau
x
I'm sick of it, sick of it all. I know I'm right and I don't give a shit!
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dogofdiogenes
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 342
- Joined: Fri Sep 21, 2007 11:53 pm
Last night as I lay in bed I felt your arm around my waist
I felt your body draw near to mine
With your breath on my neck
And your hand on my chest
I have become so contented with you
As we lie here I know I shall not find greater peace
As I lie here I pray this dream to be real.
Hi Brendan,
I enjoyed the calmness of this, the pace of the lines. I would have stopped somehow after 'waist', I think. It's a commonplace experience but uncomplicatedly put-but of course, it isn't really calm. The greater peace line-true, you don't know about finding greater peace, but is that not about your anxiety-do you want this to be the greatest peace? The hope that it won't change?
I took the last line to be about the possibility of hallucination as much as dream (comes with the job, I think), a testing of reality-the distinction between the irrational content of a dream and the rational content of some psychoses although they are not real.
Thank you
doggy bag
I felt your body draw near to mine
With your breath on my neck
And your hand on my chest
I have become so contented with you
As we lie here I know I shall not find greater peace
As I lie here I pray this dream to be real.
Hi Brendan,
I enjoyed the calmness of this, the pace of the lines. I would have stopped somehow after 'waist', I think. It's a commonplace experience but uncomplicatedly put-but of course, it isn't really calm. The greater peace line-true, you don't know about finding greater peace, but is that not about your anxiety-do you want this to be the greatest peace? The hope that it won't change?
I took the last line to be about the possibility of hallucination as much as dream (comes with the job, I think), a testing of reality-the distinction between the irrational content of a dream and the rational content of some psychoses although they are not real.
Thank you
doggy bag
I never give explanations-Mary Poppins (Management in the NHS-rewritten by Nightingale F,. original by Hunt,.G)
Well Guys you have surprised me a little. I thought this would be shot down in flames with it being a little, well, intimate. Some have an amazing aversion to intimacy being spelled out.
It's actually about a time of lonliness, the lying there, thinking of someone, not necessarilly anyone in particular, but wanting the closness and affection that comes with sharing and being close in a romantic sense of things.
I guess the 'shall not find greater peace' is the painful part of it, the longing that one feels and the logical sentiment of future peacefullness is far outweighed by the fact that just to have that moment of peace with someone, would be enough for that place and time, to actually negate any future peace. Simply beacuase at that moment and time, it just would not matter, the want for that particular peace becomes much to much impotant a desire.
However, I will give this some thought.
Many thanks for your comments, though, as I say I sis think this woudl get a right old drumming!
Think I have exposed a myself a little here.
It's actually about a time of lonliness, the lying there, thinking of someone, not necessarilly anyone in particular, but wanting the closness and affection that comes with sharing and being close in a romantic sense of things.
I guess the 'shall not find greater peace' is the painful part of it, the longing that one feels and the logical sentiment of future peacefullness is far outweighed by the fact that just to have that moment of peace with someone, would be enough for that place and time, to actually negate any future peace. Simply beacuase at that moment and time, it just would not matter, the want for that particular peace becomes much to much impotant a desire.
However, I will give this some thought.
Many thanks for your comments, though, as I say I sis think this woudl get a right old drumming!
Think I have exposed a myself a little here.-
Jack Cloverfield
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 152
- Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2007 8:56 pm
- Location: Oxfordshire
Hi Brendan
I love the essence of this. I found the enjambment questionable in places. Perhaps breaking the opening line to encourage the reader to want to move to the next line, like so.....
Last night as I lay in bed I felt your arm
around my waist
Also, perhaps, as already suggested, you could change 'know' to possibly 'feel', or something like that. Perhaps others have a better suggestion to strengthen the sense of wanting, needing, hoping that this will be forever?
Really nice read.
Jack
I love the essence of this. I found the enjambment questionable in places. Perhaps breaking the opening line to encourage the reader to want to move to the next line, like so.....
Last night as I lay in bed I felt your arm
around my waist
Also, perhaps, as already suggested, you could change 'know' to possibly 'feel', or something like that. Perhaps others have a better suggestion to strengthen the sense of wanting, needing, hoping that this will be forever?
Really nice read.
Jack
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dogofdiogenes
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 342
- Joined: Fri Sep 21, 2007 11:53 pm
Brendan
for me, getting the intricacies of emotional states over is something which I don't do well-it's bloody difficult. I try to think of all the different ways in which someone else might read/see something and there is always something which I missed
best
rhyme me rover
for me, getting the intricacies of emotional states over is something which I don't do well-it's bloody difficult. I try to think of all the different ways in which someone else might read/see something and there is always something which I missed
best
rhyme me rover
I never give explanations-Mary Poppins (Management in the NHS-rewritten by Nightingale F,. original by Hunt,.G)
Brendan
Calm read with an unexpected jolt of the final line. A couple of points for you to consider.
Like Jack I would probably have gone for different enjambment in a couple of places to achieve more emphasis. In particular
Last night as I lay in bed
I felt your arm around my waist
and then drop the next "I felt" and continue "your body draw near to mine"
Also in S1, to avoid repitition of on my maybe consider a different phrase e.g. warming my chest. Final line in S1 is a good ending to the stanza.
the last two lines I might be tempted to break as follows:
As we lie here I know
I shall not find greater peace
As I lie here I pray
this dream to be real.
and given general comment on "greater peace" if you could find a rhyme with "real" to conclude line 2 then I think that might reinforce your point about the dream.
Sorry if it appears I've taken over your piece but hopefully some points you might like
Elphin
Calm read with an unexpected jolt of the final line. A couple of points for you to consider.
Like Jack I would probably have gone for different enjambment in a couple of places to achieve more emphasis. In particular
Last night as I lay in bed
I felt your arm around my waist
and then drop the next "I felt" and continue "your body draw near to mine"
Also in S1, to avoid repitition of on my maybe consider a different phrase e.g. warming my chest. Final line in S1 is a good ending to the stanza.
the last two lines I might be tempted to break as follows:
As we lie here I know
I shall not find greater peace
As I lie here I pray
this dream to be real.
and given general comment on "greater peace" if you could find a rhyme with "real" to conclude line 2 then I think that might reinforce your point about the dream.
Sorry if it appears I've taken over your piece but hopefully some points you might like
Elphin
Right, done some changes - how does this all look??
Last night as I lay in bed
your arm around my waist
your body drew near to mine
With your breath on my neck
Your hand on my chest
I have become so contented with you
As we lie here I fall through depths of peace
As I lie here I pray this dream to be real.
Last night as I lay in bed
your arm around my waist
your body drew near to mine
With your breath on my neck
Your hand on my chest
I have become so contented with you
As we lie here I fall through depths of peace
As I lie here I pray this dream to be real.
actually - I think this is better
Last night I lay in bed
your arm around my waist
your body next to mine
With your breath on my neck
Your hand on my chest
I have become so contented with you
As we lie here I fall through depths of peace
As I lie here I pray this dream to be real.
Last night I lay in bed
your arm around my waist
your body next to mine
With your breath on my neck
Your hand on my chest
I have become so contented with you
As we lie here I fall through depths of peace
As I lie here I pray this dream to be real.