A Wait in Line
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Jack Cloverfield
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 152
- Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2007 8:56 pm
- Location: Oxfordshire
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Last edited by Jack Cloverfield on Fri Dec 21, 2007 4:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
The imagery is good..
I am not certain if you are bothering with sound and meter but there is a definite beat in the first verse so I will comment on that flow..
1) The first verse reads right along..the last line has a slight clunk because the meter is complete with the word, "head" and that last line shifts the beat..not dramatically so I read on...
2) The second verse..OK..go back to the first line of the first verse..look at the meter "My thick angora jumper keeps" "Stood in line, we wait for the bus...That "stood in line" was jarring somehow, grammatically questionable and the meter doesn't seem to match.
Then, the meter of the last line of the second verse does not match the meter of the last line of the first verse.
3) In the fourth verse..I understand the complexity of describing this scene but it took me a moment to decipher it..."flicks eyes at me through folded arms;" I liked the immediacy of the girl glancing (flick indicates as bold glance) and her position but..the words when first read were very confusing. (She is doing What!??)
4) The meter in the last line of the third and fourth verse are almost harmonious with one another. (*edit: It might be better to take out "the other way" And write it as "I smiled, she looked away")
The meter in the last line of verse one and two seemed orphaned..
I read the rest of the poem without being too analytical. I didn't notice any "language" difficulties (*edit: except"to skin* should be "to the skin." and the meter seemed to flow well enough.
Not an expert, just a reader who enjoys poetry.
I am not certain if you are bothering with sound and meter but there is a definite beat in the first verse so I will comment on that flow..
1) The first verse reads right along..the last line has a slight clunk because the meter is complete with the word, "head" and that last line shifts the beat..not dramatically so I read on...
2) The second verse..OK..go back to the first line of the first verse..look at the meter "My thick angora jumper keeps" "Stood in line, we wait for the bus...That "stood in line" was jarring somehow, grammatically questionable and the meter doesn't seem to match.
Then, the meter of the last line of the second verse does not match the meter of the last line of the first verse.
3) In the fourth verse..I understand the complexity of describing this scene but it took me a moment to decipher it..."flicks eyes at me through folded arms;" I liked the immediacy of the girl glancing (flick indicates as bold glance) and her position but..the words when first read were very confusing. (She is doing What!??)
4) The meter in the last line of the third and fourth verse are almost harmonious with one another. (*edit: It might be better to take out "the other way" And write it as "I smiled, she looked away")
The meter in the last line of verse one and two seemed orphaned..
I read the rest of the poem without being too analytical. I didn't notice any "language" difficulties (*edit: except"to skin* should be "to the skin." and the meter seemed to flow well enough.
Not an expert, just a reader who enjoys poetry.
Quiet liked this - simple language , easy to understand for the likes of me... 
But in saying that - I personally would have liked a bit of action
, or a twist ... as it were, not sure how it would fit...but as it is, it's too predictable - 
in my inexperienced humble...
I would also consider sexing up some cliches, like:
Monday morning faces
Tall and thin
the rain and bitter winter wind
a girl with long blond hair
Liked it though.....thanks Jack...
But in saying that - I personally would have liked a bit of action
, or a twist ... as it were, not sure how it would fit...but as it is, it's too predictable - in my inexperienced humble... I would also consider sexing up some cliches, like:
Monday morning faces
Tall and thin
the rain and bitter winter wind
a girl with long blond hair
Liked it though.....thanks Jack...