Farewell St. Jo

[rye]

There was the usual fumbling
Of hands on various fasteners,
Increasing tension; chains glistening;
Long silences pierced by word splinters.

Then rolling, swaying into the curves;
Squeezing, as signals switched red to green,
Around the last corner, the nerves
Quivered, cars swarmed about and between,

Flowing toward freedom down the on ramp,
Accelerating the big Cummins
Pulses, roars; gears growl, tail lights flash
A last wink as the truck merges in.

Farewell Missouri, farewell St. Jo,
Bound for Nevada, I'm headed home

[Elphin]

Rye

Welcome to the forum.

I'm not sure how to take this. The opening two lines really grabbed my attention (they are the strongest of the piece) and by the time I got to the end of the first stanza I had linked the title -St Josephs- to the fumblings and was expecting something on the abuse scandals in the Catholic church.

Reading on I now think my interpretation is a million miles away and this is a straightforward "road poem" if there is such a thing. As a description it works - some nice phrases such as the opening lines and word splinters. I would maybe drop the capitals at the start of each line

I much prefer this style to your earlier post. Keep at it.

Elphin

[rye]

Thanks Elphin
I wonder about that "long silences"..I thought about "warm silences..or ..a different word..haven't decided yet.
The verb tense shifts in the third stanza, but I don't think I will change that..
The caps, in some places, emphasize certain words, such as "Pulses" after Cummins. Perhaps in some cases, the caps are not emphasizing

Read it how you will. Make of it what you wish..The reader is the intepreter..The poem means what it means to him/her/it and if the writer has to explain, then the writer is explaining his own explanation ..Just My Humble Opinion
Thanks for reading and commenting, I appreciate it.

[dogofdiogenes]

There was the usual fumbling
Of hands on various fasteners,
Increasing tension; chains glistening;
Long silences pierced by word splinters.

Then rolling, swaying into the curves;
Squeezing, as signals switched red to green,
Around the last corner, the nerves
Quivered, cars swarmed about and between,

Flowing toward freedom down the on ramp,
Accelerating the big Cummins
Pulses, roars; gears growl, tail lights flash
A last wink as the truck merges in.

Farewell Missouri, farewell St. Jo,
Bound for Nevada, I'm headed homerye

Hi there rye (catcher in ?)

I'm a bit in agreement with Elphin here-the first couple of lines are good, but fasteners to english me does sound rather like zip or buttons or eye hooks...so for me the first impact is lost. I accept that people do have to make their own interpretations of things, but it is a shame that my initial response is so far from what you intended for your theme...words are far more ambiguous than we realize. So i was a bit lost from there on and never caught up. But I like the mechanical theme against the smallness of a person leaving something which is important. Perhaps gears growl is a bit cliched..but I like the rhymes in the first stanza...do you really need by word splinters after pierced?

And am I right in thinking that Cummins=diesel?

Hair of the hound

[rye]

Ouch..American English is drifting across the pond:
1) Yes, it is a Cummins diesel
2) Gears growl, grind, mesh, clash, crash, clunk, shift, howl, break..You may be right. It is a challenge to think of something gears do that is not a cliche. The thing is..some words like "grind" cast the shade of doubt on the abilities of the shifter, so I must take care in my address.
Thank you for reading and commenting, I appreciate it.
(Come to think of it, I did pause when the word "jumper" was used as a name for an article of men's (?) clothing in an English poem. In American English, a "jumper" is either a cable for starting stalled cars or a suicidal maniac on a high ledge. "I put on my jumper"...yes, this American did blink twice...)

[David]

Rye, I liked this as another road poem, and quite a good one. Words like Cummins provide some great local colour. It made me think of one of my favourite songs - Willin' by Little Feat.

Cheers

David

[twoleftfeet]

Hi Rye,

I really liked
Long silences pierced by word splinters.

I got the impression (from S1 and S2) that a bunch of guys were nervously racing somewhere - perhaps firefighters or rescue workers. (Perhaps there was a jumper on a ledge, or a cat up a tree )

Just goes to show how wrong you can be ...

Geoff

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

There was the usual fumbling
Of hands on various fasteners,
Increasing tension; chains glistening;
Long silences pierced by word splinters.

...sounds like the first forays into S&M. The title could be more helful to the unsuspecting jumpers-to-conclusions like myself. Got it eventually.

Somewhere from the recesses of my mind I dredged up the fact that Cummins referred to a diesel engine. A friend used them to power a charter boat, as I recall.

I liked the feel of the poem generally, although maybe a couple of minor nit-picks....

Flowing toward freedom down the on ramp,

For me "Flowing towards freedom" sounds more natural. I don't really know what the rule is for this and I could be completely wrong. It might be one of those things that doesn't have a rule.

... tail lights flash
A last wink as the truck merges in.

i would have expected "indicators flash", although it doesn't flow as well. Here, tail lights are the red lights that go on when the headlights are on. You seemed to be describing merging with traffic which would require turning lights (indicators). Could be another Americanism I've not heard of.

[rye]

Dave
The words.."fasteners" "chains glistening" correctly describes the action. It is interesting that those words have become such cliches that the meaning is not clear because of the cliches. People tend to read "bundles of cliches" rather than the meaning of the words. On the "Blues Train" I tacked together a string of cliches, "sure fire, home cook, damn fool" and I meant the cliches to mean the sum of the cliches, not the exact meaning of the words. This poem has "bundles of cliches" but the cliches are irrelevant to the meaning. "Chain's glistening" is not a S&M cliche. It is exactly what the chains did in this precise instance. Cliches are verbal shorthand and that has intrigued me.
Thanks for pointing out "toward(s)." I will research that and correct it, Leaving "s" off or on seems to have something to do with "verb tense." It has been pointed out in my other poems, so I need to learn the rule, if there is one. I think, based on the discussion of "confines" in another poem, that "toward" *present tense,* would be correct in this case..but as I say..is there a rule or is it just "sounds?." I will "look it up." The second and third verse are not in the same tense. That shift may be what you are noticing.
I am playing fast and loose with "tail lights" but the alternatives: the lights, indicator lights or the correct American designation, "turn signals," don't fit so..tail lights, close enough. Tail lights wink.. on the rear of the vehicle describes the action closely enough for this purpose.
Thank you for your detailed analysis. The 's' on or in verb/phrases is habitual, a small thing but a rule not known or learned. That has been an immense help to me.