Icarus Revisited (REVISED 1)

[Merlin]

Icarus Revisited - REVISED1

I told him he couldn’t fly,
to not even try, as
he was sure to die
trying to fly.

He didn’t comply,
and without a bye-bye
jumped from on high,
dropped through the sky,

hit concrete and spread,
lay splattered and dead
after all that I said!

I told him, he couldn’t fly -
sigh,sigh…
.............................................

Icarus Revisited

I told him he couldn’t fly,
to not even try, as
he was sure to die
trying to fly.

He didn’t comply,
and without a bye-bye
jumped from on high,
dropped through the sky,

hit concrete and spread,
lay splattered and dead
after all that I said!

I told him, he couldn’t fly -
bye-bye…

[rye]

*grin*
If it is serious,
*
and without a bye bye*, perhaps use "good bye" as the first "bye bye" is a repitition of the refrain.."bye bye"..Too many "bye-bye" in too small a space

Overall..entertaining, I thought of bungie jumpers and ultra-lite flyers as modern day Icarus.
(I am not an expert, just a reader who enjoys poetry.)

[Jack Cloverfield]

I'm not keen on 'as' being left open at the end of line 2 on stanza 1. It feels a bit weak.
perhaps..

I told him he couldn't fly
to not even try
was sure he would die
trying to fly.

Keeps in with the rhyme too.

i liked the piece though. Not sure what the message is if there is one. It strikes me as a comedy snippet or if it's serious, telling a freind/family member not to pursue something/someone as you know it will end in failure?

Jack

[camus]

A stab at black humour maybe?

Suicidal tendencies? And the lack of prevention?

The poem certainly requires a point though, hope it has one.

Nice one.

Kris

[dogofdiogenes]

Yes, fun, perhaps a bit rhyme heavy without a meaning to back it up, as has been said....but it made me smile! All those people who are so convinced they are never wrong...my ward is full of them

dogeared

[Merlin]

Great - thanks everyone for your feedback.....

How about if I changed the last line to ¨sigh,sigh¨ ?

It is of course a bit o black humour...but is also meant to kinda say ¨that whatever you do or say is futile.....so if there's a theme its futility ....for me anyways...

Thanks again...

[rye]

I like the bye-bye rather than sigh-sigh..
Just a sound preference maybe but the bye-bye has the tinge of last Good Bye..meaning.. "I wash my hands of foolishness, even from on high"

[Elphin]

Merlin

This would work as a poem for older children, as an introduction to myths. They love gore and they love myths - I think you should write a series of them.

Nice one.

Elphin

[dl04]

I actually think the subject matter is rather powerful and could lend itself to great pieces of writing. However, i feel the style in which you have chosen to write this particular piece in, lacks depth and real conviction for me. It feels slightly insipid and the rhyme which isused looks rather basic.

Maybe, you could still implement rhyme but use more sophisticated vocabulary as i feel this subject matter would be better if a more detailed response is produced. I still feel this has a lot of potential, but i think you need to clarify your intentions of the piece in question before you just delve into it.