Gregarious

[beautifulloser]

sugar coated veneers
soft centres
lusting for understanding
in herds that hear
synchronised
proclivical cries
spreading like ginger beer

congealed thought bubbles
float over tables
and ricochet round
the established etiquette

faces swim in gold fish bowls
of paperweight domes
refraction of purpose
distils perception

[Jack Cloverfield]

Nice read, though i did stumble on......

synchronous proclivical cries

I love the line and the meaning, just a bit of a mouthful where the rest of the piece flowed really well. Perhaps move 'proclivical cries' down a line making it a 7 line stanza? Or replace proclivical with 'tendancy', but then I prefer the former vocally.

Don't know, what do you think?

Jack

[beautifulloser]

Hey Jack - thanks, good suggestion, tweaked it a bit.

Beau
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[Merlin]

Enjoyed this, BL... as I do most of your stuff...

I like the suggestion of congealed thought bubbles ricocheting round the room/table...

The overall image I get is pretty people having pretty dinners/conversations, in pretty dining rooms/offices...so unpretty...

[David]

Well I don't even know what proclivical cries might be, but I like spreading like ginger beer - that hits just the right tone of lofty disdain. (It is lofty disdain, isn't it?)

I think Merl must have interpreted it correctly, and you've done a good job on this scenario. The stretching exercise of those extended pieces seems to have done you good - this is much more toned and sinewy.

Cheers

David

[Elphin]

Bl

You are back on the same planet as me This I can read and understand and I like it.

Sticking with Merlin's interp. the final stanza is a stand out description.

A couple of observations

In S1 you have a confectionery and sweet drink metaphor - does herds fit, it jarred for me but I can't think of an alternative
also lust rather than lusting I think is more consistent with the tense used

Can I play around with the first two lines S2?

faces like paperweight domes
swim in gold fish bowls

Welcome back, your sojourn has been worthwhile

Elphin

[rye]

"herds that hear" It does..catch but to me it was the alliteration and the possibilty of confusing "herd" with "heard" ..but I thought it was clever and interesting even though it had a slight stop to it..
The theme is central and the rhythm isn't bad

[beautifulloser]

Hey Chaps

Things are picking up on here lately, need to catch up . .

Merl - on the nose, thanks for the crit.

Big D - it was meant to be, yes. Utterly fucking bored watching all these people manipulate one another, cynical old sod that I am.

Elph - Thanks for that suggestion, have reworked that bit. You may have a point on the confgectionary thing, I just meant to say that being the big social beasts we are, most where hige smiles and have a range of fake laughs they can pull out the bag but everything at the centre is soft and insecure . . . . I'll spew that out in case you have any suggestions, forgive the explanation but obviously the theme is coming across so revealing the odd nuance can only help make it better I hope.

Rye - thanks, slightly blunt(!) but fair criticism nevertheless and should I want to really get stuck into this one again and improve it they are fair points that DO need addressing, so thanks. Bashed this out in about 10 minutes so it does need some attention, thanks for your honesty.

Isn't bad is such a great phrase - I gather that must mean, it's "quite good"?

Any other crits appreciate, cheers chaps.

Beau
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[barrie]

A couple of things - I think I know what you mean by proclivical cries, but I don't think that proclivical is a word - not that it's ever stopped me from using made up words in the past.

spreading like ginger beer - Again, I know what you're getting at, but to anyone who hasn't made ginger beer, it probably conjures up an image of a liquid that's been spilled. Other than that - fine. Good second verse - maybe you should swap V2 and V3 around.

nice one

Barrie

[beautifulloser]

Baz, you groovy cat . . .

proclivical - no, it's not, I checked. It really should be though, and as you say, bollocks to it anyway but fair criticism.

Good second verse - maybe you should swap V2 and V3 around.

Yep, right about that, feels I dunno, "right" that way round.

Cheers

Beau
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