Sausage in a Sausage factory

[Jack Cloverfield]

.

[rye]

Good job..I assume you intended syllabic verse
Robert Frost's "Stopping in a Snowy Wood" and (I read, haven't counted the poem) D. Thomas "Do Not Go Gentle" are both rhymed, metered, syllabic verse. Those poems are 8-10 rather than the 7-5-4-3-2 in this poem. You have chosen the more difficult meter.
I enjoyed this; the imagery, the decreasing syllable count and the story..

(not an expert, just a reader who enjoys poetry)

[barrie]

Couple of suggestions Jack -

Jack-knifed articulated
on central reservation,
trailer on its side,
cab empty; driver *
Talks to police *
as pigs grunt, squeal
up embankments
across four lanes, * (previous line omitted)
traffic, static,
spilled pigs will *
make us late
for punching
clock cards - I've marked the alterations - see what you think.

Nice punchy stuff

Barrie

[Jack Cloverfield]

Thankyou both for reading.

Rye; I did intend syllabic verse and I'm pleased it came through as strongly as intended. Glad you liked it and I appreciate your comments. Thanks

Barrie; I like the changes. That damned gerund snuck in there without my newly trained eye spotting it
Though I liked the 'duel carriageway' in the piece, upon reading your edit, I see it isn't needed. Same goes for the question mark. I'm not so keen on 'spilled' pigs but what do you think about 'erratic' pigs? thus the piece would read.......

Jack-knifed articulated
on central reservation,
trailer on its side,
cab empty; driver
talks to police
as pigs grunt, squeal
up embankments
across four lanes,
traffic, static;
erratic pigs will
make us late
to punch our
clock cards


I do feel the flow is much smoother. What do you think?

I look forward to your comments and suggestions (if any)

Thanks again

Regards
Jack

[barrie]

Yes, erratic's good.

[Elphin]

Jack

One of your best yet and all the more admirable in that you chose a format, stuck to it and produced an end result without it ever appearing forced. I would like to learn from that. I struggle with syllabic formats, villanelles and such like - lack of discipline probably.

Well done on the rework after barries points and using erratic.

I hope you take this pared down approach forward into more extensive pieces

Elphin

[rye]

"Erratic pigs will" is a 5 syllable line. The decreasing pattern is interrupted but it is your choice if there are other considerations; sound, sense, rhythm and rhyme.. "Spilled" vibrantly describes what the pigs are/were.."spilled out of a trailer".."Erratic" does not have the same immediacy as pigs can be erratic anywhere, anytime, for any reason..(just my honest opinion)
"duel carriageway" is colorful. That line can be left out or not.

[Jack Cloverfield]

It does rye, you are right. Perhaps remove the 'will' from this line?

Jack-knifed articulated
on central reservation,
trailer on its side,
cab empty; driver
talks to police
as pigs grunt, squeal
up embankments
across four lanes,
traffic, static;
erratic pigs
make us late
to punch our
clock cards

?

[rye]

Ahhh...yes..
And that solves the enjambment of that dangling "will"
There are other words that are possible.."escaping" "wandering" if you have a 3 syllable space to work with, but "erratic pigs" is fine.
"Erratic" echoes the sound of "traffic, static" in the line above.
It just depends on whether you like the sound, sense and rhythm.

[Jack Cloverfield]

I personally prefered 'erratic' because of the rhyme continuum. Thankyou once again for your comments, rye.

Barrie; thanks for helping make this stronger. Much appreciated.
Elphin; sorry I missed your comments before. I'm really pleased you like it, praise from you is highly regarded.

Thanks again one and all.

Jack

[David]

Jack, it is fun messing round with syllabics, but it can also be a strait-jacket that produces particularly awkward and ugly lines like cab empty; driver?

Other than that, though, I think you've handled a demanding structure pretty well. Is those pigs double-edged in meaning?

And dual, not "duel", I think.

Cheers

David

[Jack Cloverfield]

Thanks for the comments David. Did you see the edited version? I have now posted it above the original.

Also; 'is those pigs' double edged in meaning? That's up to the reader

Regards
Jack