This is a story I once heard off a nazi. I'm an anarchist, so this does not reflect my views on homosexuality. The story is quite brutal, so be warned.
Gay Bashing
The viewfinder follows homosexuals on the run
A sickeningly pixelated viewfinder, acts
As crosshairs.
At work laughing, at how they ran
Like fairies from stumbling giant apes.
We had courage and justice in our veins.
We had the influence of righteousness
The feeling of vengeance.
Creating a brand. Soft and simple poof
Spelled backwards encased in metal.
The blowtorch spits, until the metal blushes.
Adrenaline kicks in and we are ready.
Down goes the guy as I aim my phone.
Four Nazi bodybuilders
One guy.
Branded like cattle
quite literally.
The metal touches skin as my ears are invaded
By noise.
The scorched smell complements the view
Of skin disappearing, to make room
For the unconventional tattoo.
No doubt some of us are questioning
Our reasons. I hope we are.
I am.
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It's worth pointing out the person who told me this, was arrested and I believe serving a long jail sentance. Also before he was arrested, he got a tremendous beating from a group of homosexuals, who were expecting him and his friends. Karma wins this round.
Gay Bashing
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Sean Sweeney
- Posts: 23
- Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2007 5:11 pm
- Location: Scotland.
Last edited by Sean Sweeney on Fri Nov 30, 2007 3:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Sean
Poetry shouldn't shirk from difficult subjects but the fact that you had to have an introductory explanation and a narrative at the end means the poem probably can't stand on its own without running the risk of appearing as homophobic. Others might have a different view.
Moving away from the subject matter here are a few observations on the writing.
Some clever phrases - sickeningly pixelated and the metal blushes and a few cliches - courage and justice in our veins,Branded like cattle,my ears are invaded. I know you said cliché/But quite literal but you shouldn't have to.
A few too many commas e.g. between stumbling and giant, spits/until, skin/as my ears, disappearing/to make room
Wait and see what others think - my own view is to develop your writing skills and once you are very confident in these then tackle such a difficult subject. Otherwise I fear you will be misunderstood.
Elphin
Poetry shouldn't shirk from difficult subjects but the fact that you had to have an introductory explanation and a narrative at the end means the poem probably can't stand on its own without running the risk of appearing as homophobic. Others might have a different view.
Moving away from the subject matter here are a few observations on the writing.
Some clever phrases - sickeningly pixelated and the metal blushes and a few cliches - courage and justice in our veins,Branded like cattle,my ears are invaded. I know you said cliché/But quite literal but you shouldn't have to.
A few too many commas e.g. between stumbling and giant, spits/until, skin/as my ears, disappearing/to make room
Wait and see what others think - my own view is to develop your writing skills and once you are very confident in these then tackle such a difficult subject. Otherwise I fear you will be misunderstood.
Elphin
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Sean Sweeney
- Posts: 23
- Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2007 5:11 pm
- Location: Scotland.
thanks for the reply. I do have a problem with grammer 
. Years of not sticking in at school took it's toll on me. But I'm attending collage courses etc. The cliches in the second part were on purpose, but have become less relevant as I redrafted. I just never took them out. Scared to butcher it I suppose.
Branded like cattle, a cliché
But quite literal.
This was on my list to get cut, but as before, was a bit scared incase I was butchering it.
I didn't set out to try and tackle a difficult subject matter. I was very disturbed by the story and writing it out sort of got it off my chest. A very close friend/relative is homosexual and this story put the fear in me.
As for the introduction and explanation, suppose I'm just not confident enough.
Over all, do you think it's worth trying to turn this into something better? Or should I just move on?
. Years of not sticking in at school took it's toll on me. But I'm attending collage courses etc. The cliches in the second part were on purpose, but have become less relevant as I redrafted. I just never took them out. Scared to butcher it I suppose.Branded like cattle, a cliché
But quite literal.
This was on my list to get cut, but as before, was a bit scared incase I was butchering it.
I didn't set out to try and tackle a difficult subject matter. I was very disturbed by the story and writing it out sort of got it off my chest. A very close friend/relative is homosexual and this story put the fear in me.
As for the introduction and explanation, suppose I'm just not confident enough.
Over all, do you think it's worth trying to turn this into something better? Or should I just move on?
I think this has real potential - although I would agree with Elphin and try and not play the apologist - although I can understand why you would want to. 
It just seems to take away the authenticity of the story - I would sure keep on with this... 
It just seems to take away the authenticity of the story - I would sure keep on with this... -
Sean Sweeney
- Posts: 23
- Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2007 5:11 pm
- Location: Scotland.
Merlin wrote:I think this has real potential - although I would agree with Elphin and try and not play the apologist - although I can understand why you would want to.
Thanks mate. I was actually about to give up on it. My partner didn't like it
, but I really want to turn it into something good. Been hammering it for a while.I feel very insecure about my stuff, hence the explanations. Upon thinking about Elphins points, I realise it would be better standing alone.
Sean
This was a very uncomfortable read. You obviously felt passionately enough to want to write about it - that's justification in itself. Continue to be brave and write about what you believe in.
I like your opening lines which establish a viewpoint for what is to follow.
I agree with Merl, your work has potential. Stick with it.
Without wishing to sound trite, have you heard theTom Robinson song, 'Glad to be Gay'? It's an acerbic attack on the perpetrators homophobia.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zHG2LJGfEdw
This was a very uncomfortable read. You obviously felt passionately enough to want to write about it - that's justification in itself. Continue to be brave and write about what you believe in.
I like your opening lines which establish a viewpoint for what is to follow.
I'd drop the rather weak judgemental voice you throw in at the end, as I don't think it works that well and it doesn't fit in with all horrors that precede it.No doubt some of us are questioning
Our reasons. I hope we are.
I am
I agree with Merl, your work has potential. Stick with it.
Without wishing to sound trite, have you heard theTom Robinson song, 'Glad to be Gay'? It's an acerbic attack on the perpetrators homophobia.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zHG2LJGfEdw
"This is going to be a damn masterpiece, when I finish dis..." - Poeterry
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Sean Sweeney
- Posts: 23
- Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2007 5:11 pm
- Location: Scotland.
Oskar wrote:Sean
This was a very uncomfortable read. You obviously felt passionately enough to want to write about it - that's justification in itself. Continue to be brave and write about what you believe in.
I like your opening lines which establish a viewpoint for what is to follow.
I'd drop the rather weak judgemental voice you throw in at the end, as I don't think it works that well and it doesn't fit in with all horrors that precede it.No doubt some of us are questioning
Our reasons. I hope we are.
I am
I agree with Merl, your work has potential. Stick with it.
Without wishing to sound trite, have you heard theTom Robinson song, 'Glad to be Gay'? It's an acerbic attack on the perpetrators homophobia.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zHG2LJGfEdw
Nice song man, rather enjoyed that, haha.
Thanks for the kind words. I'll consider dropping the ending. When writing I just thought back at some really bad things I've done (Nothing quite as horrific as this) and remembered always having a voice. Something questioning. Surely these people have that. But after just reading this, I can see how cheesey it really is =P
Wasnt Tom bashed by the gays then for being "straight" or however you wish to phrase it?Oskar wrote:Sean
This was a very uncomfortable read. You obviously felt passionately enough to want to write about it - that's justification in itself. Continue to be brave and write about what you believe in.
I like your opening lines which establish a viewpoint for what is to follow.
I'd drop the rather weak judgemental voice you throw in at the end, as I don't think it works that well and it doesn't fit in with all horrors that precede it.No doubt some of us are questioning
Our reasons. I hope we are.
I am
I agree with Merl, your work has potential. Stick with it.
Without wishing to sound trite, have you heard theTom Robinson song, 'Glad to be Gay'? It's an acerbic attack on the perpetrators homophobia.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zHG2LJGfEdw