In a serpentine queue
the smoke tangles around you,
your bemused eyes paler.
I burn inside.
As the fish-shaped ashtray
keeps staring at my undoing,
your deep kisses savor my poison.
Do you need me
for the sake of a winter
outside?
Or must I implode
for the sake of a burning,
in and around your heart?
No use contemplating,
we are both suffering in tandem.
In tandem
I actually found this an intresting read. Just a few points though:
In a serpentine queue
the smoke tangles around you,
your bemused eyes paler
I would get rid of this as you've already used you in the previous line, and your just clutters up the flow into the next line IMO.
I burn inside.
A bit cliched for me. I feel this line could be continued onto a stanza rather than just a solitary declarative.
Overaly though, it creates a very dark tone, which i like of passion and desire. Some lines are great:
'the smoke tangles around you'
Nice work
.
In a serpentine queue
the smoke tangles around you,
your bemused eyes paler
I would get rid of this as you've already used you in the previous line, and your just clutters up the flow into the next line IMO.
I burn inside.
A bit cliched for me. I feel this line could be continued onto a stanza rather than just a solitary declarative.
Overaly though, it creates a very dark tone, which i like of passion and desire. Some lines are great:
'the smoke tangles around you'
Nice work
![Very Happy :D](./images/smilies/icon_biggrin.gif)
' Everybody's saying that hell's the hippest way to go, well i dont think so but i'm gonna take a look around'
-Joni Mitchell
-Joni Mitchell
This has a darkish feel….I like it…
Some things I would consider:
In a serpentine queue
the smoke tangles around you,
your bemused eyes paler. (bin Your)
I burn inside. (cliché?)
As the fish-shaped ashtray (nice line)
keeps staring at my undoing,
your deep kisses savor my poison. (I would consider changing - deep kisses)
Do you need me
for the sake of a winter
outside?
Or must I implode
for the sake of a burning,
in and around your heart?
No use contemplating,
we are both suffering in tandem.
I liked it - but think it could be improved...thanks...
![Very Happy :D](./images/smilies/icon_biggrin.gif)
Some things I would consider:
In a serpentine queue
the smoke tangles around you,
your bemused eyes paler. (bin Your)
![Rolling Eyes :roll:](./images/smilies/icon_rolleyes.gif)
![Shocked :shock:](./images/smilies/icon_eek.gif)
I burn inside. (cliché?)
![Idea :idea:](./images/smilies/icon_idea.gif)
As the fish-shaped ashtray (nice line)
![Laughing :lol:](./images/smilies/icon_lol.gif)
keeps staring at my undoing,
your deep kisses savor my poison. (I would consider changing - deep kisses)
![Twisted Evil :twisted:](./images/smilies/icon_twisted.gif)
Do you need me
for the sake of a winter
outside?
Or must I implode
for the sake of a burning,
in and around your heart?
No use contemplating,
we are both suffering in tandem.
I liked it - but think it could be improved...thanks...
![Laughing :lol:](./images/smilies/icon_lol.gif)
![Very Happy :D](./images/smilies/icon_biggrin.gif)
I also like this a lot. It does feel rather dark and that's refreshing. Looking through the suggestions, I agree with everything that Merlin has suggested - with his line by line crit
, hmmmm... I actually have nothing to add to that. I'd love to see a little modification to this piece though, I think it could be really great.
Nice work.
![Smile :-)](./images/smilies/icon_smile.gif)
![Smile :)](./images/smilies/icon_smile.gif)
Yes I shall take Merlin's suggestions into consideration. Thank you Merlin, Dl4 and Keekee.
Cheers.![Very Happy :D](./images/smilies/icon_biggrin.gif)
Cheers.
![Very Happy :D](./images/smilies/icon_biggrin.gif)
-
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 129
- Joined: Sat Nov 03, 2007 11:11 am
- antispam: no
- Location: Australia
I thought the ending was pretty good:
"Do you need me
for the sake of a winter
outside?
Or must I implode
for the sake of a burning,
in and around your heart? "
Helps to put this addiction into perspective as some kind of a human relationship.
What I found confusing though was you seem to keep changing the view quite a bit.
"Do you need me
for the sake of a winter
outside?
Or must I implode
for the sake of a burning,
in and around your heart? "
Helps to put this addiction into perspective as some kind of a human relationship.
What I found confusing though was you seem to keep changing the view quite a bit.
-
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 2185
- Joined: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:36 am
- Location: Brisbane, Australia
Gidday
Intriguing poem. Most things have already been said.
Not keen on smoke queuing (sp?) in this instance, but it has merit.
Last lines were strong.
Enjoyed mostly.
Intriguing poem. Most things have already been said.
Not keen on smoke queuing (sp?) in this instance, but it has merit.
Last lines were strong.
Enjoyed mostly.
Cheers
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]