When the walls come down

[dl04]

Empty bottles meet empty promises,
still they drink for all it's worth.
Fragile candlelight flickers,
over restless lovers and worn-out sheets.
The screams of sirens, feline melancholy
that echoes throughout a relentless dark.

Switch on the tv,
those damn fools celebrating freedom,
while this street lies in shackles.

Fireworks blaze past Brandenburg gate,
liberty explored in explosive violet
joining of hands and a wave goodbye to uncle Joe.

All awake now in a nicotine haze,
the girls pander to their make ups
whilst the boys settle for the white stuff.
Time for reflection, or perhaps not
as there's a cry for more stinging bourbon.

Maybe when the next wall comes down
it'll all change.
Still i fear when the next wall comes down,
Who'll be here to notice?

[Cryptic Cadence]

Wow, this is a pretty good poem,

'feline melancholy'

'boys settle for the white stuff'

"Maybe when the next wall comes down
it'll all change.
Still i fear when the next wall comes down,
Who'll be here to notice?"

Good ending I assure you, but I never really got it.

[keekee107]

Oo... I really like this. In my mind it's your best poem yet. I'm not sure I understand how the two main themes fit together in this poem but that may just be me being dense. I mean... I see the Berlin Wall references but I don't really see how the first stanza fits with this? But anyway... other than making it a little clearer and coherant I actually really like this and wouldn't do much to it.

Some points:

• 'joining of hands and a wave goodbye to Uncle Joe' - loved this. What a clever way to put it . However, it seemed a little too long and perhaps ruined the flow. I would maybe get rid of the start of this sentence and instead insert some kind of metaphor into the ending: e.g. 'a insert adjective wave goodbye to uncle Joe'.
• 'All awake now in a nicotine haze,
  the girls pander to their make ups
  whilst the boys settle for the white stuff.
  Time for reflection, or perhaps not
  as there's a cry for more stinging bourbon.'
  I like this - particularly the third and last line. But anyhow, I'm not so keen on the second line of this stanza. It seems so... feeble compared to the rest of the poem which is strong and powerful.
• Lovely end stanza too.

[tryp]

Empty bottles meet empty promises, The way you repeat "empty" combined with the assonance between bottles/promises gives this first line a nice, rhythmic feeling. The line almost feels zeugma-esque, though not quite
still they drink for all it's worth. I thought the correct idiomatic usage was "for all they're worth." Either way, this construction seems like a bit of a cliche. Perhaps add another image here that conveys the same idea.
Fragile candlelight flickers,
over restless lovers and worn-out sheets.
I love your use of an old romantic trope - candlelight - reworked to convey a less idyllic/sedate image
The screams of sirens, feline melancholy
that echoes throughout a relentless dark. I'm not certain about your use of the singular here. Consider "through" instead of "throughout"

Switch on the tv,
those damn fools celebrating freedom, The use of the expletive "damn" here doesn't seem to fit with the tone of the rest of the poem, exactly. Consider changing to "fools celebrating freedom"
while this street lies in shackles.

Fireworks blaze past Brandenburg gate,
liberty explored in explosive violet Good use of alliteration here
joining of hands and a wave goodbye to uncle Joe.

All awake now in a nicotine haze,
the girls pander to their make ups I'm not sure this is correct usage of the word "pander"
whilst the boys settle for the white stuff."Whilst" seems like an archaic usage compared to the general trend of the poem
Time for reflection, or perhaps not
as there's a cry for more stinging bourbon.

Maybe when the next wall comes down
it'll all change.
Still i fear when the next wall comes down,You don't necessarily need to say that you're afraid - consider taking those words out
Who'll be here to notice?

Overall, I think this poem has a lot of potential - you do some great things with imagery throughout. The first stanza is absolutely the strongest in that respect, but after that stanza, I feel that the poem wavers a little. Specifically, it seems more wordy than it has to be. Your first stanza is very distilled - every word is necessary and every image is crystal clear. Try making the remainder more like that.

[Elphin]

dl

I think tryp has pointed out a few things. I'd certainly echo that S1 and the final stanza are the strongest and you do create some vivid images. Also the central idea is interesting but it needs to be really sharpened

On S1 there quite a few adjective-noun combinations. A suggestion would be to drop some - restless lovers would be my choice as its over used. Also drop the screams - siren screams are overused - and just say something like

Fragile candlelight flickers
over worn out sheets
and the feline melancholy of sirens
echoes through the dark.

you could maybe do without S2 although retain other streets in shackles somewhere else as that is central to your theme.

In S3 you have changed the tense in l2. It might be better to say

Fireworks blaze past Brandenburg gate,
exploring liberty in explosive violet

Another small suggestion to sharpen and maybe contrast the tears that should be of joy withe the drunken celebration
Time for reflection, or just to cry
for more stinging bourbon

One final thought - this is very specifically the Berlin Wall and I would firmly anchor it there by changing the title, maybe just to When the wall came down as everyone will know what wall you are referring to.

Some thoughts to take or leave.

Elphin