Addiction Kills... Edited Properly

[keekee107]

Edit

Clothed in nicotine patches,
my yellow fingers hang freely.
Stitched, charcoal lungs invigorate,
clamping cellophane-boxed longing.

Then you call

My tarred heart ebonizes,
from a drag of foul promises.
A hug, a kiss, my cigarette
cessation blown in a smoke puff.

Removed comma from original edit, modified last line, changed emotions to 'boxed longing' and modified the last line.

Original

Clothed in nicotine patches,
yellowed fingers hang freely.
Blackened lungs radiate gold,
emotions boxed in cellophane.

Then you call me

Paled fingers stain mustard,
clutching at tarred promises.
Charcoal fixes slip and slide,
reeking evaporated hope.

Addiction kills

Murderer.

[Cryptic Cadence]

Hmm, seeing the title in the thread I thought of the cigarette ads.
It exceeded my expectations I must say, even though the title is kind of overused.

'Blackened lungs radiate gold' - I like this line, it stands out and it gives more terror I guess to a cigarette smoker than the ads against cigarettes
Are you sure though that 'paled fingers stain mustard' - is correct?
Ending, is very nice too, by adding 'Murderer'.

I really like these lines like 'Charcoal fixes slip and slide, reeking evaporated hope'
Keep it up

Is the poem a double standard too?

[Cryptic Cadence]

Noticed you said something earlier about your poems being too cliche, well you have done well to fix that

[barrie]

Clothed in nicotine patches,
yellowed fingers hang freely.
Blackened lungs radiate gold,
emotions boxed in cellophane. - As it is, it reads as if the yellowed fingers & blackened lungs are clothed in nicotine patches.

Clothed in nicotine patches,
yellowed fingers hanging freely.
Blackened lungs radiating gold,
emotions boxed in cellophane.

Could I suggest using 'held together by nicotine patches.

I disagree with CC here - I don't think the Murderer ending is necessary, the implication's there and that's enough.

nice one

Barrie

[Wabznasm]

Really sorry Keekee, but this feels like two chunks of imagery and the message off of a packet of fags.

I think what you've done is intricately described the act of smoking, addiction and whatnot (which has some nice gems in it), but wrapped it in a message that's a bit too easy.

I did think that this was, with the 'Then you called me' line, turning into a clever twist on a relationship and how in fact it is those that piss people up. But the poem just dropped back to the smoking theme (and if that isn't about smoking, I think you should make it much clearer), denied anything clever with the 'addiction kills' line, and heaped up buckets of emotion, judgement, and self-righteousness with the final word.

I think the problem is that it's difficult to get away with a message as easy as this in poetry; it feels too heated, favours sentimentality over sentiment. Tells more than it shows.

the images, as expected, are good, but the lack of personal pronouns in the first stanza reads awkwardly. Thinking about it, you could pull this into something about, I dunno, people helping you out of the problem? Passages with pronouns are light relief to the addiction? I think some of the stuff here is very salvageable, but some doesn't really work.

Sorry if the above is a bit bleak! We've all had our not so good ones, and often people say, after getting critically hammered a bit, that through not so good ones they learn.

I hope some of that helps
Dave

[Cryptic Cadence]

I did think that this was, with the 'Then you called me' line, turning into a clever twist on a relationship and how in fact it is those that piss people up. But the
Dave

This is why I also asked if this was some kind of double standard meaning poem.

[keekee107]

As usual, thanks for the comments guys.

I did think that this was, with the 'Then you called me' line, turning into a clever twist on a relationship and how in fact it is those that piss people up. But the poem just dropped back to the smoking theme (and if that isn't about smoking, I think you should make it much clearer), denied anything clever with the 'addiction kills' line, and heaped up buckets of emotion, judgement, and self-righteousness with the final word.

Hmmm... it was supposed to be as you suggested. It's not about smoking but instead a relationship that, as you put it, pisses you up, but I suppose I didn't make that clear enough and lost myself too much in the metaphor. Hmm... I suppose the problem of this ambiguity lies mostly in the whole second stanza. Thanks for the critique. Clearly there is a problem with the title really and that's what the poem is centred on, oh and the last line which I felt was needed due to the obviously ambiguity over whether it was about smoking or not, but obviously it just sounds ridiculous.
I will try and rewrite this. From the critiques I feel I could make this better and that there is something savageable. Thanks all .

Update: In fact I've edited it now. Don't know if it's any better or clearer. I'd love to hear your opinions. Thanks all.

[Wabznasm]

Impressive rewrite.

Ditch the comma after cigarette I reckon. Then you'll have that Beat-esque combination of odd nouns pulling something quite special off, like

spied on by our
eyes under the shadow of the mad locomotive
riverbank sunset Frisco hilly tincan evening
sitdown vision. (magic)

This is much better.
Dave

Oh, could you find a better verb for 'reblackens'? It's a bit clumsy.

I also think 'emotions.' is vague and general. Like 'dreams decay'.

[Elphin]

kk

I have come to this late so just to comment on the rewrite. Firstly its a clever idea and tightly written.

Favourite line is My tarred heart ebonizes and the Then you call line is excellently placed and takes the poem to where you want it.

Now I have a but and I wouldn't say this if I didn't think you could do better. I am not convinced there is enough of a contrast between your addiction free state in S1 and the additcion of the relationship in S2.

In s1 the first two lines are fine but I could read them as you are still smoking and also could be misread as the nicotine patches are on your fingers. Here's a thought

Armed with nicotine patches
my yellow fingers can hang freely.

I am not sure you are clear enough in the next two lines that your lungs are clear. Invigorate isn't enough IMO.

In the next stanza again a strong first couplet but I don't think the closing lines are clear enough on your two addictions. Because you use the word cigarette I think it overshadows the other addiction. This isn't quite right but something like

A hug, a kiss and a taste,
you rekindle my addiction.

Just to repeat I wanted to make these points because your writing is strong and I think you can build on it.

Elphin

[Brendan]

ah, how familiar this all sounds. I like it very much. Resonates with me deeply. A great little topic and original. The link between emotion and nicotine. I like the fact it is short, sometimes things go on way too long, but this is good.

Not sure about the comment on the nicotine thing from the previous post, having nictotine patches on implies your not smoking. Just a thought.

[scotsman]

yeah i liked this bold imagery great write

[kozmikdave]

Gidday Keekee

I liked the final version much better than the first

I think, as Barrie pointed out, it is hard not to link the nicotine patches to the fingers. It is minor but you might want to play with an alternative.

Stitched, charcoal lungs invigorate,
clamping cellophane-boxed longing. the cellophane wrap gives me the urge to light up.

Not sure how you want us to read these two lines. They somehow seem a contradiction. Maybe ...

Stitched, charcoal lungs invigorate.
Clamping, cellophane-boxed longing.

My tarred heart ebonizes, great image - but lose the comma

The ending is now much stronger.

Good effort.