The Funeral

[scotsman]

Cold so cold it’s hard to breathe
I’m at the graveside clutching this wreath
The hole in the ground an unwelcoming sight
Upturned soil and a hole big enough to swallow
The whole congregation wouldn’t that be a sight
Cold noses sniffling bored feet shuffling
The noise of people weeping
Red eyes through dark glasses peeping
The name on the grave i know only to well
For this is my funeral in case you can’t tell
For the people I’ve loved and the people I’ve known
This is my fond farewell

[camus]

scotty,

I'd say check your post for typos etc:

breath - breathe
to - too

Also your line breaks, coupled with the Caps make for awkward reading.

Finally:

For this is my funeral in case you can’t tell

Perhaps the poem itself should do the explaining?

Sorry I couldn't be more positive, some good feedback though I thought?

cheers
Kris

[doves]

The poem is full of obvious imagery,the poem does not explore the potential of grief,the narrator of the poem appears underwhelmed at his own death.I would cull the poem,removing cliches such as,"red eyes".

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

The idea is a good one, but I'm not sure about the way you have presented it. As Camus has already said, misspelling and lack of good punctuation are killing this.

Knowing that it written by the corpse from the outset leaves a couple of question marks over some of what's written. For Example:

Cold so cold it’s hard to breathe [suggests you are breathing]

I’m at the graveside clutching this wreath [I don't mind this but have never seen a cadaver prepared holding a wreath]

The hole in the ground an unwelcoming sight

Upturned soil and a hole big enough to swallow [I'd prefer an alternate word]

The whole congregation wouldn’t that be a sight [seriously needs a stop after "congregation]

Cold noses sniffling bored feet shuffling [split these two images with a gomma or semicolon]

The noise of people weeping [you could be more descriptive here]

Red eyes through dark glasses peeping [would even the living see red eyes through dark glasses?]

The name on the grave i know only to well [does the name go on before the funeral?]

For this is my funeral in case you can’t tell [better to reveal it more subtly]

For the people I’ve loved and the people I’ve known

This is my fond farewell ["bitter" might work better than "fond" - either way, a cliche, and you have wished all fall into the grave with you]


Suggested punctuation [others will do it differently].

Cold, so cold it’s hard to breathe.
I’m at the graveside, clutching this wreath.
The hole in the ground - an unwelcoming sight.
Upturned soil and a hole big enough to swallow
the whole congregation. Wouldn’t that be a sight?
Cold noses sniffling; bored feet shuffling;
The noise of people weeping;
Red eyes through dark glasses peeping.
The name on the grave I know only too well,
for this is my funeral, in case you can’t tell.
For the people I’ve loved and the people I’ve known,
this is my fond farewell.

Has potential but needs a lot of work

[Ilex]

I found it hard to read the poem as the grammer stops it from flowing smoothly, but perhaps this was deliberate, maybe a comment on the difficult transition between life and death that humans often suffer, or maybe a typo? I love the lines, 'The noise of people weeping'
'Red eyes through dark glasses peeping' my faverite two lines of the poem. Lots of vivid images, and the idea of watching your own funeral is interesting. Ilex.

[dl04]

First off, the punctuation and grammar is severly lacking in this piece. It makes the flow erratic and the subject matter a little laboured as a result. The lines are very sporadic IMO, some good, but some just fall short:

The hole in the ground an unwelcoming sight
Upturned soil and a hole big enough to swallow

The repetition of the word hole makes the line hard to follow. I just think hole doesnt have to be repeated to gain the reader's clarity over the situation. Maybe something like:

The void in the ground an unwelcoming sight
upturned soil and a hole enough to swallow- i feel 'big' can be left out as it softens the effectiveness of the line.

Also maybe create a second stanza starting from 'The noise of people weeping........' It'd give the poem more fluidiy and make it more readable due to the revised structure.

Onto the good, and i like the narrative being at your own funeral, as it would be intruiging to see how loved ones would feel at their own funeral. The imagery is desolate and sombre which is apt for the poem and one line is particuarly striking- 'Red eyes through dark glasses peeping'. Very nicely done.

Overall the concept is good, and the narrative is intruiging but it needs to be straightened out just a little.

Hope i've been of some help.

dl04

[John G]

I guess everyone has thought about being at their own funeral.

The idea of writing about attending you fond farwell is intriguing and theres plenty of scope to develop thoughts and ideas, however I feel that IMO, the rhymes don’t do the subject justice:
i.e weeping – peeping
well - tell

and Also I have an problem with ending two line with the same wod (line 3 and 5). Line three could have just read:
“The hole in the ground an unwelcoming”
whioch I guess it would be.

I’m no critic (you may have noticed) but I would try and steer clear of the rhymes. But hey, that’s just my opinion.