Guy.
This is the strangest confidence,
You walked past your wife today,
But my mouth would not stutter a word,
My feet walked away,
I am the dog that saw the rainbow,
Should I have stopped you I had nothing to say,
But I saw you and I knew, you.
Guy. by Ilex.
A nice moment, preserved.
I am the dog that saw the rainbow - is that proverbial? I haven't seen it before.
I'm not sure mouths stutter - people do, but mouths? Maybe.
In a few lines you draw a compelling picture. Off to a fairly flying start, then.
Cheers
David
I am the dog that saw the rainbow - is that proverbial? I haven't seen it before.
I'm not sure mouths stutter - people do, but mouths? Maybe.
In a few lines you draw a compelling picture. Off to a fairly flying start, then.
Cheers
David
Not a bad start at all.
One strong word of advice though, ditch the end-commas. Not all of them, but some. Some are totally unecessary (especially when the lines would benefit from some other form of punctuation) and others just look very elementary, as if the writer thinks poetry needs a comma after every line.
A few minor, nitty things:
But my mouth would not stutter a word, -- stutter suggests you spoke perfectly.
Should I have stopped you I had nothing to say, -- wrong tense in the compliment here; shouldn't it be 'I would have had' -- obviously you want to try and avoid that stilted, awkward phrasing, so how about:
Should I have stopped you I would have had
nothing to say.
or even (check this clever *cough* shit out)
Should I have stopped you I would have had
..................................................nothing to say (without the dots obviously)
I think, also, you need to try and avoid the comma approach so as to make more use of enjambment. This feels a little list-like, but with the right editing it would seem more a poem.
I enjoyed this nonetheless.
Keep them coming
Dave
One strong word of advice though, ditch the end-commas. Not all of them, but some. Some are totally unecessary (especially when the lines would benefit from some other form of punctuation) and others just look very elementary, as if the writer thinks poetry needs a comma after every line.
A few minor, nitty things:
But my mouth would not stutter a word, -- stutter suggests you spoke perfectly.
Should I have stopped you I had nothing to say, -- wrong tense in the compliment here; shouldn't it be 'I would have had' -- obviously you want to try and avoid that stilted, awkward phrasing, so how about:
Should I have stopped you I would have had
nothing to say.
or even (check this clever *cough* shit out)
Should I have stopped you I would have had
..................................................nothing to say (without the dots obviously)
I think, also, you need to try and avoid the comma approach so as to make more use of enjambment. This feels a little list-like, but with the right editing it would seem more a poem.
I enjoyed this nonetheless.
Keep them coming
Dave
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kozmikdave
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 2185
- Joined: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:36 am
- Location: Brisbane, Australia
Gidday
I agree with Dave about the commas, they are out of place.
But I like the poem.
Third line looks as though you wanted to use "utter" and "stutter" does have a stuttering effect on the read for some reason, so it stands out.
What's the "rainbow dog" about, then? I tried googling it got many references to "rainbow bridge". (I wonder how a rainbow would appear to dogs, as they are colour blind.)
One of the things I liked about this, is the sheer ambiguity of the situation you have described. I have several theories as to who you are, and the relationship between you and Guy.
Good read.
I agree with Dave about the commas, they are out of place.
But I like the poem.
Third line looks as though you wanted to use "utter" and "stutter" does have a stuttering effect on the read for some reason, so it stands out.
What's the "rainbow dog" about, then? I tried googling it got many references to "rainbow bridge". (I wonder how a rainbow would appear to dogs, as they are colour blind.)
One of the things I liked about this, is the sheer ambiguity of the situation you have described. I have several theories as to who you are, and the relationship between you and Guy.
Good read.
Cheers
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
Ilex
Welcome - judging by this you will be strong contributor to the forum.
I won't repeat what others have said. For me it was a compelling read that I came back to several times trying to work out the relationships. If my conclusion is correct then the dog that saw the rainbow may have several meanings.
I wonder if the second last line could be broken in two as they two statements are in themself strong and justify a line each. Maybe also the last line.
Hope there is more in the box.
Elphin
Welcome - judging by this you will be strong contributor to the forum.
I won't repeat what others have said. For me it was a compelling read that I came back to several times trying to work out the relationships. If my conclusion is correct then the dog that saw the rainbow may have several meanings.
I wonder if the second last line could be broken in two as they two statements are in themself strong and justify a line each. Maybe also the last line.
Hope there is more in the box.
Elphin
I thought that 'But my mouth would not stutter a word' was fine, it didn't imply perfect speech to me, just that there was no speech at all - not even a stutter. Maybe you could contract 'would not', 'wouldn't stutter' has a better sound to it.
'Should I have stopped you I had nothing to say,' This may be better turned into two questions.
'Should I have stopped you ? I had nothing to say? Or maybe one question by using a conjunction.
Is the 'But' necessary as a leader in the last line?
madawc
'Should I have stopped you I had nothing to say,' This may be better turned into two questions.
'Should I have stopped you ? I had nothing to say? Or maybe one question by using a conjunction.
Is the 'But' necessary as a leader in the last line?
madawc
Many thanks for taking the time to read and crit my poem, I only write for fun but its great to have some feed back. I think on reflection the comma comments were right, I just wanted to make sure that the reader stopped at the end of each line but it does look a bit funny I agree.
'I am the dog that saw the rainbow' was meant to convey the strangness of the situation. As dogs can't see much colour they could never see a rainbow, the full picture so to speak. No one would ever beleive a dog could have seen a rainbow any more than a person could have seen the future.
I never thought of the alternate meaning in the line 'My mouth would not stutter a word' but thanks to Wabznasm for pointing out it could mean that the person spoke perfectly, rather than not at all. This was a really interesting comment as I enjoy lines that are a bit ambiguous and may mean two things, looks like i'm doing it by accident as well as on purpose, ha ha!
It was interesting to see that kosmikdave thought the title of the poem refered to an individual person rather than just some unknown guy. He was right though. Although there are some aspects of the poem that I hoped could mean two things, such as the first line 'this is the strangest confidence' I hoped people would take from this that the poem was a secret being shared and a confident prediction of the future. Other than that though the poem really is what it seems. I used the word 'wife' in the second line to convey the traditional person that I am in contrast with the idea of a woman choosing and watching a man rather than the other way round.
Thanks also for the advice on the awkward sound of the 6th line, I agree. I wanted the first half to be a question 'Should I have stopped you?' and the second half a statment and a reflection 'I had nothing to say' but my puncuation was totally crap.
Thanks for the very constructive, valid and helpful comments.
Ilex.
'I am the dog that saw the rainbow' was meant to convey the strangness of the situation. As dogs can't see much colour they could never see a rainbow, the full picture so to speak. No one would ever beleive a dog could have seen a rainbow any more than a person could have seen the future.
I never thought of the alternate meaning in the line 'My mouth would not stutter a word' but thanks to Wabznasm for pointing out it could mean that the person spoke perfectly, rather than not at all. This was a really interesting comment as I enjoy lines that are a bit ambiguous and may mean two things, looks like i'm doing it by accident as well as on purpose, ha ha!
It was interesting to see that kosmikdave thought the title of the poem refered to an individual person rather than just some unknown guy. He was right though. Although there are some aspects of the poem that I hoped could mean two things, such as the first line 'this is the strangest confidence' I hoped people would take from this that the poem was a secret being shared and a confident prediction of the future. Other than that though the poem really is what it seems. I used the word 'wife' in the second line to convey the traditional person that I am in contrast with the idea of a woman choosing and watching a man rather than the other way round.
Thanks also for the advice on the awkward sound of the 6th line, I agree. I wanted the first half to be a question 'Should I have stopped you?' and the second half a statment and a reflection 'I had nothing to say' but my puncuation was totally crap.
Thanks for the very constructive, valid and helpful comments.
Ilex.
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ccvulture
Hi Ilex - I spotted your intro on the Hello board too... Welcome.
Re the point below, punctuation is sooooo important. It goes deeper than what you say below. Some of your lines need commas, some don't. Equally, some need other punctuations. The importance is that you're asking people to read on-page, so the choice of comma/colon/stop etc is vital to the reader's understanding of each line.
Sorry to sound picky, but it can make a world of difference!
Stu
Re the point below, punctuation is sooooo important. It goes deeper than what you say below. Some of your lines need commas, some don't. Equally, some need other punctuations. The importance is that you're asking people to read on-page, so the choice of comma/colon/stop etc is vital to the reader's understanding of each line.
Sorry to sound picky, but it can make a world of difference!
Stu
Ilex wrote:Many thanks for taking the time to read and crit my poem, I only write for fun but its great to have some feed back. I think on reflection the comma comments were right, I just wanted to make sure that the reader stopped at the end of each line but it does look a bit funny I agree.