at 6am
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[Draft two]
After listen to the feedback I have made a few tweaks:
6am
And the view is the same
standing at Clapham Junction with the city waking up
back home you click on a kettle
a late night radio show hands over to the morning
maybe in another world
or a parallel universe, you
are actually going to bed,
yawning,
I’m thinking about
designing a space-time machine
to get to you
at 6am I think of these things
[ Draft one]
At 6am
And the view is the same
standing at CJ with the city waking up
while back home you click on a kettle
and a late night radio show hands over to the morning
while, maybe, in another postcode, or even a parallel universe, you
are actually going to bed, yawning,
and I’m laying there thinking about you
in a parallel universe, designing a time machine
to get to you
at 6am I think of these things
After listen to the feedback I have made a few tweaks:
6am
And the view is the same
standing at Clapham Junction with the city waking up
back home you click on a kettle
a late night radio show hands over to the morning
maybe in another world
or a parallel universe, you
are actually going to bed,
yawning,
I’m thinking about
designing a space-time machine
to get to you
at 6am I think of these things
[ Draft one]
At 6am
And the view is the same
standing at CJ with the city waking up
while back home you click on a kettle
and a late night radio show hands over to the morning
while, maybe, in another postcode, or even a parallel universe, you
are actually going to bed, yawning,
and I’m laying there thinking about you
in a parallel universe, designing a time machine
to get to you
at 6am I think of these things
Last edited by John G on Wed Feb 27, 2008 10:26 am, edited 2 times in total.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.
You're letting the crits slide again - To get you on a 2-1 basis, you need to do five crits to catch up. It's always a good idea to do more than two crits per poem, it helps the forum move along - plus there's always the fact that if you only bother to do 'your quota', you can only really expect to get two crits back for each poem you post. I don't like locking posts, so come on John, get some critting done.
cheers
Barrie
cheers
Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
I would say you need to lose the 'ands' for starters, followed by e little trimming here and there. Here's how I see it -
At 6am
the view is the same
standing at CJ with the city waking up
back home you click on a kettle
as a late night radio show hands over to the morning
maybe in a parallel universe
you are still in bed
yawning
I’m thinking about
designing a spacetime machine
to get to you
at 6am I think of these things
Funny what we think of at 6am - or any other time come to think of it.
There's no need to be shy or apprehensive abour critting, John. Crits are just offerings that we pick through, and we take whatever each of us deems helpful and the more we get, the more informed we are as to a popular opinion. Let people know what you think - the more you do, the easier it gets.
Anyway, I like your poem - just needs a trim (but that's only my opinion). Oh yes, I forgot - If you're going to omit full stops, then why not lose punctuation altogether - use line breaks for pauses.
Barrie
At 6am
the view is the same
standing at CJ with the city waking up
back home you click on a kettle
as a late night radio show hands over to the morning
maybe in a parallel universe
you are still in bed
yawning
I’m thinking about
designing a spacetime machine
to get to you
at 6am I think of these things
Funny what we think of at 6am - or any other time come to think of it.
There's no need to be shy or apprehensive abour critting, John. Crits are just offerings that we pick through, and we take whatever each of us deems helpful and the more we get, the more informed we are as to a popular opinion. Let people know what you think - the more you do, the easier it gets.
Anyway, I like your poem - just needs a trim (but that's only my opinion). Oh yes, I forgot - If you're going to omit full stops, then why not lose punctuation altogether - use line breaks for pauses.
Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
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Thanks for that Barrie.
The problem I find with the crits is that as I don't know the poetry lexicon that well I feel that what I have to say it somewhat invalid.
However, I strive to learn and the feedback I give will be honest which may or may not make up for lack of knowledge of the field.
So, I will keep the crits up and continue to try and develop and hone my skills.
The problem I find with the crits is that as I don't know the poetry lexicon that well I feel that what I have to say it somewhat invalid.
However, I strive to learn and the feedback I give will be honest which may or may not make up for lack of knowledge of the field.
So, I will keep the crits up and continue to try and develop and hone my skills.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
- twoleftfeet
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Hi John.
I agree with Barrie about ditching the "and"s, and also using "spacetime", since you mention parallel universes.
Also, using "postcode" made me think specifically of the UK, in the same way that ZIP codes would make me think of
the States (OK - I realise that is probably irrelevant )
Apart from that, I found this charming and thought provoking, in particular:
while back home you click on a kettle
and a late night radio show hands over to the morning
Geoff
Unfortunately for me I didn't get where I am today
by learning any Geography, so - where is "CJ"?
I agree with Barrie about ditching the "and"s, and also using "spacetime", since you mention parallel universes.
Also, using "postcode" made me think specifically of the UK, in the same way that ZIP codes would make me think of
the States (OK - I realise that is probably irrelevant )
Apart from that, I found this charming and thought provoking, in particular:
while back home you click on a kettle
and a late night radio show hands over to the morning
Geoff
Unfortunately for me I didn't get where I am today
by learning any Geography, so - where is "CJ"?
I like this one.
I'd lose the first "And", OR make the title just "6am,".
I like the first three lines. Line four I think you could improve a bit, maybe "and the late night radio show gives way to the early morning".
You can lose the "maybe" from line 5. When I think of parallel universes I think of infinite worlds, which means there's no maybe about it. And how about just condensing the line a bit, "while, in another postcode (or a parallel universe), you".
Last four lines are great - nice modern love poetry. The ladies love it.
Geoff - CJ I would guess is Clapham Junction.
I'd lose the first "And", OR make the title just "6am,".
I like the first three lines. Line four I think you could improve a bit, maybe "and the late night radio show gives way to the early morning".
You can lose the "maybe" from line 5. When I think of parallel universes I think of infinite worlds, which means there's no maybe about it. And how about just condensing the line a bit, "while, in another postcode (or a parallel universe), you".
Last four lines are great - nice modern love poetry. The ladies love it.
Geoff - CJ I would guess is Clapham Junction.
fine words butter no parsnips
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Take what a say lightly as I'm new to this.
I won't comment further on the construction of your piece as it has been covered by the previous posts.
One thing I would've liked personally is a reflection, in the language, of that time in the morning. Sleep deprivation has a strange effect on one’s thoughts generally and I'd like to have seen that here- It seems a little sober. But I did enjoy it; the length gives it an ephemeral yet intense view into the wanderings of your mind- at 6am.
I won't comment further on the construction of your piece as it has been covered by the previous posts.
One thing I would've liked personally is a reflection, in the language, of that time in the morning. Sleep deprivation has a strange effect on one’s thoughts generally and I'd like to have seen that here- It seems a little sober. But I did enjoy it; the length gives it an ephemeral yet intense view into the wanderings of your mind- at 6am.
"The poet becomes a seer through a long, immense, and reasoned derangement of all the senses." - Arthur Rimbaud
Not much time to comment now, John - my daughter is circling the computer with intent, so it must be time for me to go to bed - but I really like this. Lovely early morning big city feel, and it comes around in a great big beautiful loop to the start again. Very good.
Cheers
David
Cheers
David
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Gidday John
I quite like the idea behind this but was thrown by a couple of things which could be done differently, some of which have been covered by others.
There is a confusion to me (and it might be just me) in who is being talked about. The "you" clicking on the kettle could have as easily been the narrator, so I had to read it a couple of times to make the image work for me.
I did live in london for 12 years, but "CJ" was not part of my vocab. "Clapham Junction" makes sense after hearing someone else suggest it. I'm wondering if you couldn't leave a bigger clue in the poem, or use an asterisk and explain it underneath.
In the second line, I keep searching (in subsequent lines) for the other half of the comparison. The view is the same as what?
I wasn't keen on the use of parallel universe the first time you used it, and then you used it again. For me it is too cliche.
At the end, I get the impression you are about to go to sleep, but now I don't quite understand the CJ image. If it is Clapham Junction, is that not an image of square miles of train track spaghetti? As I said, i have trouble with the voice and where it is coming from.
Hope this does not seem too negative. They are just a couple of nit-picks.
I quite like the idea behind this but was thrown by a couple of things which could be done differently, some of which have been covered by others.
There is a confusion to me (and it might be just me) in who is being talked about. The "you" clicking on the kettle could have as easily been the narrator, so I had to read it a couple of times to make the image work for me.
I did live in london for 12 years, but "CJ" was not part of my vocab. "Clapham Junction" makes sense after hearing someone else suggest it. I'm wondering if you couldn't leave a bigger clue in the poem, or use an asterisk and explain it underneath.
In the second line, I keep searching (in subsequent lines) for the other half of the comparison. The view is the same as what?
I wasn't keen on the use of parallel universe the first time you used it, and then you used it again. For me it is too cliche.
At the end, I get the impression you are about to go to sleep, but now I don't quite understand the CJ image. If it is Clapham Junction, is that not an image of square miles of train track spaghetti? As I said, i have trouble with the voice and where it is coming from.
Hope this does not seem too negative. They are just a couple of nit-picks.
Cheers
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
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ok, i have edited and posted a new version, not many changes but a few based on the valuable feedback.
(and yes CJ is Clapham Junction, my old stomping ground before my move up north)
(and yes CJ is Clapham Junction, my old stomping ground before my move up north)
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.
Yeah, good one. I like the revision as its more concise. Lovely images.
Cheers.
Cheers.
I kinda like this one. I like how the thought processes are there, but with no real clarity which is usually the case at 6am( well it is for me anyway )
I think the structure is much better in the rewrite, and the images seem stronger and more concise. Like how you've reduced it to the main essential points. Reads so much better because of it.
Good job
dl04.
I think the structure is much better in the rewrite, and the images seem stronger and more concise. Like how you've reduced it to the main essential points. Reads so much better because of it.
Good job
dl04.
' Everybody's saying that hell's the hippest way to go, well i dont think so but i'm gonna take a look around'
-Joni Mitchell
-Joni Mitchell
see, i live near Clapham Junction and it is one miserable station, especially at night! I love to see familiar images in poetry, aspects of life represented that we can all relate too. This piece had a nice 'though-process' quality, also a sleepy 6am feel when your eyes are still cloudy and light is rude and unwanted.. wasn't flowery, or overly emotional, liked it!
Hi John,
just a quickie - quite liked this, and prefered number 2.
However, I would be tempted to cut it further ...
I have bolded what I would consider binning - with the result at the end...
6am
the view is the same everyday
standing at Clapham Junction with the city waking up
back home you click on a kettle
a late night radio show hands over to the morning
maybe in another world
or a parallel universe, you
are actually going to bed,
yawning,
I’m thinking about
designing a space-time machine
to get to you
at 6am I think of these things
6am
The view is the same everyday
standing at Clapham Junction.
A late night radio show hands over to the morning.
Maybe in another world
you are actually going to bed.
At 6am, I’m thinking about
designing a space-time machine
to get to you.
Nice idea, and a nice job...
just a quickie - quite liked this, and prefered number 2.
However, I would be tempted to cut it further ...
I have bolded what I would consider binning - with the result at the end...
6am
the view is the same everyday
standing at Clapham Junction with the city waking up
back home you click on a kettle
a late night radio show hands over to the morning
maybe in another world
or a parallel universe, you
are actually going to bed,
yawning,
I’m thinking about
designing a space-time machine
to get to you
at 6am I think of these things
6am
The view is the same everyday
standing at Clapham Junction.
A late night radio show hands over to the morning.
Maybe in another world
you are actually going to bed.
At 6am, I’m thinking about
designing a space-time machine
to get to you.
Nice idea, and a nice job...
Hi John
At the risk of sounding picky, I feel that the last line is redundant as that idea is conveyed already by the title and the subsequent observations. To me, it lets the side down somewhat.
Other than that, I prefer version 2. I'm guessing CJ was a very local nickname for the Junction and as such this poem went down well in the local "arthouses" with mates
Stuart
At the risk of sounding picky, I feel that the last line is redundant as that idea is conveyed already by the title and the subsequent observations. To me, it lets the side down somewhat.
Other than that, I prefer version 2. I'm guessing CJ was a very local nickname for the Junction and as such this poem went down well in the local "arthouses" with mates
Stuart
John G wrote:[Draft two]
After listen to the feedback I have made a few tweaks:
6am
the view is the same everyday
standing at Clapham Junction with the city waking up
back home you click on a kettle
a late night radio show hands over to the morning
maybe in another world
or a parallel universe, you
are actually going to bed,
yawning,
I’m thinking about
designing a space-time machine
to get to you
at 6am I think of these things
[ Draft one]
At 6am
And the view is the same
standing at CJ with the city waking up
while back home you click on a kettle
and a late night radio show hands over to the morning
while, maybe, in another postcode, or even a parallel universe, you
are actually going to bed, yawning,
and I’m laying there thinking about you
in a parallel universe, designing a time machine
to get to you
at 6am I think of these things
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wow, some great progress on the redraft. nice work!
-c
-c
good work on the rework John. It has a real early morning bleary eyed feel to it.
Its really fine as it is but if you do want to play around with it here a couple of thoughts
and the view is the same as everyday - small changes to add to the weariness
standing at Clapham Junction
with the city waking up - splitting the two thoughts over two lines emphasises them but I know it disrupts your sequence of couplets
back home you click on a kettle
a late night radio show hands over
to the morning - splitting the lines gives a physical depiction of handing over
Good one
Elphin
Its really fine as it is but if you do want to play around with it here a couple of thoughts
and the view is the same as everyday - small changes to add to the weariness
standing at Clapham Junction
with the city waking up - splitting the two thoughts over two lines emphasises them but I know it disrupts your sequence of couplets
back home you click on a kettle
a late night radio show hands over
to the morning - splitting the lines gives a physical depiction of handing over
Good one
Elphin
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Having re-read it, I agree with you point David nad have re-edit the opeing line.
Thanks
Thanks
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.