at 6am

[John G]

[Draft two]

After listen to the feedback I have made a few tweaks:

6am

And the view is the same
standing at Clapham Junction with the city waking up

back home you click on a kettle
a late night radio show hands over to the morning

maybe in another world
or a parallel universe, you

are actually going to bed,
yawning,

I’m thinking about
designing a space-time machine

to get to you

at 6am I think of these things


[ Draft one]
At 6am

And the view is the same
standing at CJ with the city waking up

while back home you click on a kettle
and a late night radio show hands over to the morning

while, maybe, in another postcode, or even a parallel universe, you
are actually going to bed, yawning,

and I’m laying there thinking about you
in a parallel universe, designing a time machine

to get to you
at 6am I think of these things

[barrie]

You're letting the crits slide again - To get you on a 2-1 basis, you need to do five crits to catch up. It's always a good idea to do more than two crits per poem, it helps the forum move along - plus there's always the fact that if you only bother to do 'your quota', you can only really expect to get two crits back for each poem you post. I don't like locking posts, so come on John, get some critting done.

cheers

Barrie

[barrie]

I would say you need to lose the 'ands' for starters, followed by e little trimming here and there. Here's how I see it -

At 6am

the view is the same
standing at CJ with the city waking up

back home you click on a kettle
as a late night radio show hands over to the morning

maybe in a parallel universe
you are still in bed
yawning

I’m thinking about
designing a spacetime machine

to get to you

at 6am I think of these things

Funny what we think of at 6am - or any other time come to think of it.

There's no need to be shy or apprehensive abour critting, John. Crits are just offerings that we pick through, and we take whatever each of us deems helpful and the more we get, the more informed we are as to a popular opinion. Let people know what you think - the more you do, the easier it gets.

Anyway, I like your poem - just needs a trim (but that's only my opinion). Oh yes, I forgot - If you're going to omit full stops, then why not lose punctuation altogether - use line breaks for pauses.

Barrie

[John G]

Thanks for that Barrie.

The problem I find with the crits is that as I don't know the poetry lexicon that well I feel that what I have to say it somewhat invalid.

However, I strive to learn and the feedback I give will be honest which may or may not make up for lack of knowledge of the field.

So, I will keep the crits up and continue to try and develop and hone my skills.

[barrie]

You might find this useful -

http://www.poetsgraves.co.uk/glossary_o ... _terms.htm

[twoleftfeet]

Hi John.

I agree with Barrie about ditching the "and"s, and also using "spacetime", since you mention parallel universes.
Also, using "postcode" made me think specifically of the UK, in the same way that ZIP codes would make me think of
the States (OK - I realise that is probably irrelevant )

Apart from that, I found this charming and thought provoking, in particular:
while back home you click on a kettle
and a late night radio show hands over to the morning

Geoff
Unfortunately for me I didn't get where I am today
by learning any Geography, so - where is "CJ"?

[k-j]

I like this one.

I'd lose the first "And", OR make the title just "6am,".

I like the first three lines. Line four I think you could improve a bit, maybe "and the late night radio show gives way to the early morning".

You can lose the "maybe" from line 5. When I think of parallel universes I think of infinite worlds, which means there's no maybe about it. And how about just condensing the line a bit, "while, in another postcode (or a parallel universe), you".

Last four lines are great - nice modern love poetry. The ladies love it.

Geoff - CJ I would guess is Clapham Junction.

[Brotherfergus]

Take what a say lightly as I'm new to this.

I won't comment further on the construction of your piece as it has been covered by the previous posts.

One thing I would've liked personally is a reflection, in the language, of that time in the morning. Sleep deprivation has a strange effect on one’s thoughts generally and I'd like to have seen that here- It seems a little sober. But I did enjoy it; the length gives it an ephemeral yet intense view into the wanderings of your mind- at 6am.

[David]

Not much time to comment now, John - my daughter is circling the computer with intent, so it must be time for me to go to bed - but I really like this. Lovely early morning big city feel, and it comes around in a great big beautiful loop to the start again. Very good.

Cheers

David

[kozmikdave]

Gidday John

I quite like the idea behind this but was thrown by a couple of things which could be done differently, some of which have been covered by others.

There is a confusion to me (and it might be just me) in who is being talked about. The "you" clicking on the kettle could have as easily been the narrator, so I had to read it a couple of times to make the image work for me.

I did live in london for 12 years, but "CJ" was not part of my vocab. "Clapham Junction" makes sense after hearing someone else suggest it. I'm wondering if you couldn't leave a bigger clue in the poem, or use an asterisk and explain it underneath.

In the second line, I keep searching (in subsequent lines) for the other half of the comparison. The view is the same as what?

I wasn't keen on the use of parallel universe the first time you used it, and then you used it again. For me it is too cliche.

At the end, I get the impression you are about to go to sleep, but now I don't quite understand the CJ image. If it is Clapham Junction, is that not an image of square miles of train track spaghetti? As I said, i have trouble with the voice and where it is coming from.

Hope this does not seem too negative. They are just a couple of nit-picks.

[John G]

ok, i have edited and posted a new version, not many changes but a few based on the valuable feedback.

(and yes CJ is Clapham Junction, my old stomping ground before my move up north)

[arunansu]

Yeah, good one. I like the revision as its more concise. Lovely images.
Cheers.

[dl04]

I kinda like this one. I like how the thought processes are there, but with no real clarity which is usually the case at 6am( well it is for me anyway )

I think the structure is much better in the rewrite, and the images seem stronger and more concise. Like how you've reduced it to the main essential points. Reads so much better because of it.

Good job

dl04.

[Cooper]

see, i live near Clapham Junction and it is one miserable station, especially at night! I love to see familiar images in poetry, aspects of life represented that we can all relate too. This piece had a nice 'though-process' quality, also a sleepy 6am feel when your eyes are still cloudy and light is rude and unwanted.. wasn't flowery, or overly emotional, liked it!

[David]

I still prefer the first version.

[Merlin]

Hi John,

just a quickie - quite liked this, and prefered number 2.

However, I would be tempted to cut it further ...

I have bolded what I would consider binning - with the result at the end...

6am

the view is the same everyday
standing at Clapham Junction with the city waking up

back home you click on a kettle
a late night radio show hands over to the morning

maybe in another world
or a parallel universe, you

are actually going to bed,
yawning,

I’m thinking about
designing a space-time machine

to get to you

at 6am I think of these things

6am

The view is the same everyday
standing at Clapham Junction.

A late night radio show hands over to the morning.

Maybe in another world
you are actually going to bed.

At 6am, I’m thinking about
designing a space-time machine

to get to you.

Nice idea, and a nice job...

[ccvulture]

Hi John

At the risk of sounding picky, I feel that the last line is redundant as that idea is conveyed already by the title and the subsequent observations. To me, it lets the side down somewhat.

Other than that, I prefer version 2. I'm guessing CJ was a very local nickname for the Junction and as such this poem went down well in the local "arthouses" with mates

Stuart

[Draft two]

After listen to the feedback I have made a few tweaks:

6am

the view is the same everyday
standing at Clapham Junction with the city waking up

back home you click on a kettle
a late night radio show hands over to the morning

maybe in another world
or a parallel universe, you

are actually going to bed,
yawning,

I’m thinking about
designing a space-time machine

to get to you

at 6am I think of these things


[ Draft one]
At 6am

And the view is the same
standing at CJ with the city waking up

while back home you click on a kettle
and a late night radio show hands over to the morning

while, maybe, in another postcode, or even a parallel universe, you
are actually going to bed, yawning,

and I’m laying there thinking about you
in a parallel universe, designing a time machine

to get to you
at 6am I think of these things

[catastrotopia]

wow, some great progress on the redraft. nice work!

-c

[Elphin]

good work on the rework John. It has a real early morning bleary eyed feel to it.

Its really fine as it is but if you do want to play around with it here a couple of thoughts

and the view is the same as everyday - small changes to add to the weariness

standing at Clapham Junction
with the city waking up - splitting the two thoughts over two lines emphasises them but I know it disrupts your sequence of couplets

back home you click on a kettle
a late night radio show hands over
to the morning - splitting the lines gives a physical depiction of handing over

Good one

Elphin

[David]

John, how you can replace something as hazy and impressionistic as And the view is the same with the dreary correctness of the view is the same everyday is beyond me.

I'm glad to see the back of CJ, though.

[John G]

Having re-read it, I agree with you point David nad have re-edit the opeing line.

Thanks