Chanteuse (re-write version 2)

[Merlin]

I was going to rewrite this in rhyme...but to be frank, am bored with rhyme (for now) ... I discovered parataxis yesterday , and thought I would try a rewrite using that technique - don't know if it works, or even if I have understood it correctly

Here is the rewrite:

Chanteuse…

Swivelling…stiletto…provocative pirouettes…lusty busty…lust…thirty…year…long night…filling voids…raincoats and overcoats…tattooed mermaids…neon neighbourhood…pink and blue milieu…touched…touched…touched by many…not cherished…save one…only one…soul for sale…extraordinary spirit...going...going...gone...cheap…consummation…take me…take me…have me…for a paper exchange…now…was it good?...did I please you?...Oh my…Oh yes…Oh no…gone…gone...forever...no…can’t be.. Chantelle…Chanteuse…will we ever……Again!



ORIGINAL VERSION
Chanteuse

Swivelling on a stiletto
in pirouettes of lust,
her life was a thirty-year night.

Filling voids for vampires,
vultures and vagabonds
in a vivid-violet purlieus.

Touched by many
cherished by one,
a soul-selling extraordinaire.

Consummation complete
with a paper exchange.

Chantelle, will we ever meet
- Again?

[ccvulture]

I feel like you missed a trick by not rhyming this one. It would have lent to the title, I think.

Also there are just toooo many Vs in that second verse. Yes, it gives you the vaginal feel you're after (oo-er), but I think that has sacrificed good poetry for the show.

Cheers

Stuart

[Merlin]

Stuart,

Thanks for your comments/feedback...

to rhyme or not to rhyme .... I did have a rhyme schem in my head for this, but changed my mind completely!

I can never tell when a rhyme is gonna suit the write - sometimes one gets feedback about too much rhyme or crap rhyme, then not enough rhyme, or no rhyme ... I need to lie down

That vaginal feel is good - although it must have been a freudian slip - coz it's not intentional - onest guv

Thanks Stu...

[barrie]

Yes, rhyme could be good here. Why not cut back the V's - choose a colour between violet and red and drop the adjective.

In a purple purlieus, or maybe In a neon neighbourhood.

Nevertheless, it's still a quite a good poem - it does have a certain atmosphere that's quite apt.

Barrie

[ccvulture]

Well I use rhyme very sparingly now, instead of the 95%ile that I used to apply. It's completely up to you Merlin. It wouldn't necessarily be any better.

And I should add that I thought this was a good piece of writing anyway.

Cheers

Stuart

Stuart,

Thanks for your comments/feedback...

to rhyme or not to rhyme .... I did have a rhyme schem in my head for this, but changed my mind completely!

I can never tell when a rhyme is gonna suit the write - sometimes one gets feedback about too much rhyme or crap rhyme, then not enough rhyme, or no rhyme ... I need to lie down

That vaginal feel is good - although it must have been a freudian slip - coz it's not intentional - onest guv

Thanks Stu...

[John G]

I like the seediness of this.

I enjoy reading your work as it's seems it's all very straight forward but there is often an underlying meance or a certain amount of darkness, which is good.

[keekee107]

This is nice.

I'd have to agree with others about the verse with the zillion v's in it. It's just too much for me and seems too harsh for the poem which, otherwise, flows straight from the tongue. I can see what the others mean about rhyme working well as that could give it a certain 'zing' that, to me, this almost seems to lack a little.

Anyhow, this is very nice. As usual. Just something to think about

[Merlin]

Thanks Barrie...John and KK....

As CCV, Barrie and KK has suggested rhyme...gonna work on a rhythmic version...

John, you said - underlying meance or a certain amount of darkness - I gues your right, sometimes it's intentional, sometimes not....it must be my inherent style or something...

KK - now you have said it - I do agree , this poem lacks a certain, cant put your finger on zing.....

Thanks again...will be back with version 2 at some point!

[David]

Merl, you have become prolific. What are they putting in the water down your way? (Rum, I suspect.)

Blow me down and shiver me timbers, but I like this one as well. Great S1, definitely too many V's in S2 (didn't get "vaginal" at all, though, but then I don't wear freudian slips myself), and I think purlieus is inadvertently plural.

Great title - getting Edith Piaf, Paris boites, Pigalle after dark ... groovy.

I don't mind the absence of rhyme at all, but that's not to say you couldn't introduce it to great effect.

Cheers

David

[Merlin]

David....glad you don't mind no rhyme...have rewritten , but not in rhyme form...just experementing...

Thanks again, everyone...

[John G]

I have written something in this style but never even knew it had a name!! You learn something new each day!!

Like the auction feel of "going...going...gone...cheap…"

Personally I prefer the flow of this one.

[barrie]

I prefer the original, Merlin - the new version reminds me of notes for a speech.

Barrie

[David]

I prefer the original, Merlin - the new version reminds me of notes for a speech.

Barrie

I fear Yoda is right, you know - I mean, Yoda is right, fear I - these are exactly like notes for a speech.

I discovered parataxis yesterday,
about the time the door knob broke ...

I think that's one brilliant idea too far, Merl.

Cheers

David

[dl04]

I agree with David and Barrie, the rewrited version looks like rambling prose a bit to me

I'd stick with the original merlin, but it's your choice of course.

[Merlin]

OK gents......crap idea.....

PS: It was a speech...