Should Have Stayed On The Farm (Explicit)

[Merlin]

Should Have Stayed On The Farm

Don’t complain
when the sky falls
on your head

duck, dive, skive ,
plot, scheme ,dream
in your lazy bed.

Calcified cement
plugging ears
of muted imbecile

from the south
who answered a calling,
and is now falling

down, down, down,
a clown with a crown,
king of laughter – not!

To stay out of harm
should have stayed
on the farm

calm,calm,calm,
rustic easy charm
don’t die – embalm

your body from
oblivion, you fool,
so uncool, I drool

all day,
you choose
to live

with cock-suckers,
now die with them -
die with the fuckers!

[dl04]

You definitely like to scathe eh Merlin?

I like the flow of this poem a lot, nice line breaks and systained rythm throughout. I feel some lines definitely outweigh others. For example:

Calcified cement
plugging ears
of muted imbecile- This is a standout line for me. Great alliteration within the first line and very mocking imagery.

Then, there are some lines that dont have the same punch, such as:

duck, dive, skive ,
plot, scheme ,dream
in your lazy bed- Too cliched for my liking, and i think the last line gives the stanza too much of a bathos feel and interupts the great rythm.

Overall though, it's another good poem Merlin. The structure is great, and with some slight tinkering and ironing out the cliches, it'll be something really good

Nice work

dl04.

[barrie]

Your last two posts, Signs and Chanteuse, have showed a marked improvement in your poetry, but I don't rate this one as anywhere near as good. Others may like it, but it's just not for me.

Sorry Merl

Barrie

[David]

Is this a sort of Henny Penny story? Hen-y-Pen-y - it just sounds Welsh, doesn't it? I have a bad habit of interpolating what I think I know of people's biographies into my reading of their poems sometimes, which inclines me to think that you're taking a swing at someone who didn't leave rural Wales (I suspect you you left rural Wales, didn't you?).

That's probably completely wrong, then.

Still, if you're going to make something of this, I think you need to bring the venom in the second half (especially the final verse, where I practically had to dry your spittle off my glasses) down a few notches, in the best tradition of not getting mad, getting even.

Have I won a cigar?

Cheers

David

[Merlin]

DL Thanks - I'm glad you liked it.....I thought I would be picked up on a couple of cliches ....will work on that...

Baz.... Understand......it's not for you - you may have noticed I sometimes veer/venture into vitriolic stuff....no malice intended - of course... ...thanks for letting me know though...

Dave Half a cigar - ... you know me me to well, or half as well as you should ... the other half goes to Jean-Jacques Rousseau and his take on the Lisbon earthquake of 1755 (I think, haven't checked)... But anyway....is take can be interpreted as , the victims have no-one to blame but themselves....they choose to live in high rise, city dwellings....and payed the price.....

Thanks guys...

[camus]

I dunno, it's a drop poem, what can you say!

Sky falling, down down...

More repetition,

a bit of rep rhyme

a bit of foul language

the end.

not for me either.

cheers
Kris