Picking out the weeds, you look so confident
in the squinting summer.
Last night i pricked my thumbs on your thorns
and hung your scent on my mantlepiece.
Every photo i have taken,
through my trees and fences
are piled upon charcoal sheets
with your smile smudged in.
Still you do not relate
when every click finds you
and so i leave my window
to smash my disposable.
Through trees and fences
dl04,
is this about flatulance?
Seriosuly though... I read this earlier, but wanted to come back to it, because there are many images and ideas to be digested, even if on the surface it just seems about a rose(s).
I like the slightly ambiguous nature of this one, makes me wonder what it is really about. A rose? a woman/lost love? a stalker/peeping tom?
Picking out the weeds, you look so confident - images of photoshop here, as well as a more straight forward meaning.
in the squinting summer. - nice phrase.
Last night i pricked my thumbs on your thorns
and hung your scent on my mantlepiece. - the potential double meaning started to seep in here, for me. Remeniscing about pain is often a hint that love is involved.
are piled upon charcoal sheets
with your smile smudged in. - not sure I quite got this. Did/does the write make sketches of the photos he takes?
and so i leave my window
to smash my disposable. - Liked the last stanza, again for its ambiguity. A nice reflection on how a picture can never really reflect beauty properly, as well as the idea of smashing any attemp to remember what has been lost, or rather what cannot be gained... small thought: put a coma after line 2 and lose the 'and' on line 3.
enjoyed reading this.
Tom
is this about flatulance?
Seriosuly though... I read this earlier, but wanted to come back to it, because there are many images and ideas to be digested, even if on the surface it just seems about a rose(s).
I like the slightly ambiguous nature of this one, makes me wonder what it is really about. A rose? a woman/lost love? a stalker/peeping tom?
Picking out the weeds, you look so confident - images of photoshop here, as well as a more straight forward meaning.
in the squinting summer. - nice phrase.
Last night i pricked my thumbs on your thorns
and hung your scent on my mantlepiece. - the potential double meaning started to seep in here, for me. Remeniscing about pain is often a hint that love is involved.
are piled upon charcoal sheets
with your smile smudged in. - not sure I quite got this. Did/does the write make sketches of the photos he takes?
and so i leave my window
to smash my disposable. - Liked the last stanza, again for its ambiguity. A nice reflection on how a picture can never really reflect beauty properly, as well as the idea of smashing any attemp to remember what has been lost, or rather what cannot be gained... small thought: put a coma after line 2 and lose the 'and' on line 3.
enjoyed reading this.
Tom
meh and bah are wonderful words
dl
You have weaved in here a clever ambiguity and have some good images - the thorns and the smudged smile are notable.
I worry though that you have crossed from ambiguity to lacking clarity. This phrase in particular is a trouble
Still you do not relate
when every click finds you
Also while I like the idea of the smudged smile, like Tom I'm not too sure I get it.
A couple of other thoughts. I have probably said this before but visually and for the rhythm I wonder why you change from the packed lines of S1 to the sparser S2 and S3.
squinting summer is fine but does it need sun?
Would you hang the metaphorical rose on the mantlepiece or sit it - wreaths might be hung there. Mmm you got me thinking.
Your ending - would it be enough that the camera is disposable? do you need to smash it?
I hope there is somethin in this for you.
Elphin
You have weaved in here a clever ambiguity and have some good images - the thorns and the smudged smile are notable.
I worry though that you have crossed from ambiguity to lacking clarity. This phrase in particular is a trouble
Still you do not relate
when every click finds you
Also while I like the idea of the smudged smile, like Tom I'm not too sure I get it.
A couple of other thoughts. I have probably said this before but visually and for the rhythm I wonder why you change from the packed lines of S1 to the sparser S2 and S3.
squinting summer is fine but does it need sun?
Would you hang the metaphorical rose on the mantlepiece or sit it - wreaths might be hung there. Mmm you got me thinking.
Your ending - would it be enough that the camera is disposable? do you need to smash it?
I hope there is somethin in this for you.
Elphin
I too read it a couple of times. S1 suggested its a rose, but then S3 gives us different pictures. But an interesting write, no doubt, even in its ambiguity.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Perhaps its me but I really couldn't get the message you are trying to transmit. Maybe you have overdone the metaphor and lost the audience on the way.
I thought it was about
S1 - A very good description of a rose on a brilliant summer's day.
S2 - You are not happy with the photo's you have taken of the rose; so have burned them.
S3 - Give up on photography, both digital and wet film.
If my interpretation is right then I take back my earlier comments, instead I would ask you to make the readers life a little easier. If my interpretation is wrong then my first statement is reinforced.
HTH
I thought it was about
S1 - A very good description of a rose on a brilliant summer's day.
S2 - You are not happy with the photo's you have taken of the rose; so have burned them.
S3 - Give up on photography, both digital and wet film.
If my interpretation is right then I take back my earlier comments, instead I would ask you to make the readers life a little easier. If my interpretation is wrong then my first statement is reinforced.
HTH
Wow so many different interpretations 
The actual theme was that of obsession, the 'thing' that he was referring to is a woman who he's deeply obsessed with, but she doesnt know him and he doesnt know her. The thorns line was him trying to convince himself of some sexual activity with her even though in reality he just touched a thorn bush and he started to bleed. In my mind when writing it i was thinking of him being highly deranged.
I also made him into a stalker and he takes photos 'through trees and fences' and draws pictures of her to appease his lust i suppose. The bit about smashing his camera was him getting frustrated that she wouldnt smile at him or even glance at him but in reality this wasnt possible as he's always hidden when he sees her and she's oblivious of any intent on his part.
I'm sorry if i've led you onto other themes, but this is what it's really about.
The actual theme was that of obsession, the 'thing' that he was referring to is a woman who he's deeply obsessed with, but she doesnt know him and he doesnt know her. The thorns line was him trying to convince himself of some sexual activity with her even though in reality he just touched a thorn bush and he started to bleed. In my mind when writing it i was thinking of him being highly deranged.
I also made him into a stalker and he takes photos 'through trees and fences' and draws pictures of her to appease his lust i suppose. The bit about smashing his camera was him getting frustrated that she wouldnt smile at him or even glance at him but in reality this wasnt possible as he's always hidden when he sees her and she's oblivious of any intent on his part.
I'm sorry if i've led you onto other themes, but this is what it's really about.
' Everybody's saying that hell's the hippest way to go, well i dont think so but i'm gonna take a look around'
-Joni Mitchell
-Joni Mitchell
I actually got the stalker/very sad individual meaning here and I liked it a lot. Some very nice phrasing and imagery here:
'Last night i pricked my thumbs on your thorns
and hung your scent on my mantlepiece.'
My particular favourite of the whole poem.
Constructive wise, I wasn't quite sure of the use of the word 'relate'. It jarred with me for some reason... 'realise' maybe instead? Also the first and second line didn't flow very well for me - the first line too long syllabbically for me and the second too short. May just be me though. Further the second stanza didn't seem to make much sense - the photos are on charcoal sheets? Surely that's the drawings
Finally the repetition of 'my' in the last and second to last lines jarred with me also. You may want to think about rephrasing one of these.
Nice poem. Nice idea. Hope I've said something of help.
'Last night i pricked my thumbs on your thorns
and hung your scent on my mantlepiece.'
My particular favourite of the whole poem.
Constructive wise, I wasn't quite sure of the use of the word 'relate'. It jarred with me for some reason... 'realise' maybe instead? Also the first and second line didn't flow very well for me - the first line too long syllabbically for me and the second too short. May just be me though. Further the second stanza didn't seem to make much sense - the photos are on charcoal sheets? Surely that's the drawings
Finally the repetition of 'my' in the last and second to last lines jarred with me also. You may want to think about rephrasing one of these. Nice poem. Nice idea. Hope I've said something of help.