One lazy afternoon
my door creaked
with a subtle melody.
We leaped over
corral fence of minutes
our footfalls
mimicked feathery touches
on a harmonium.
Cozy whispers
strummed the green,
we robbed sunshine together.
Once
I always like your poems Aru, the images are always well-crafted and vivacious. Some images are a bit obscure though and i couldnt always follow them:
We leaped over
corral fence of minutes- Nice line but i feel like i'm missing out on something here. Perhaps you could clarify?
I liked S1 and S4 very much. Could be tightened up a little, as i'm not that keen on S3 as it gets a bit 'flowery', but apart from that i very much enjoyed it.
You've got a great consistency at the moment, keep it up
dl04.
We leaped over
corral fence of minutes- Nice line but i feel like i'm missing out on something here. Perhaps you could clarify?
I liked S1 and S4 very much. Could be tightened up a little, as i'm not that keen on S3 as it gets a bit 'flowery', but apart from that i very much enjoyed it.
You've got a great consistency at the moment, keep it up
dl04.
' Everybody's saying that hell's the hippest way to go, well i dont think so but i'm gonna take a look around'
-Joni Mitchell
-Joni Mitchell
-
Brotherfergus
- Productive Poster
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- Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 9:42 am
Same as dl04, didn't quite understand V2 but liked it all the same. Saying this seems almost to becoming a standard procedure on this forum but; I liked the images. But seriously I did enjoy it but I craved a little more, it doesn't have to be a beginning or end or anything of that nature, but I felt it ended, or didn't begin, before I'd had my fill.
This may well be the intention however, but, if that is so you are cruel ha!
This may well be the intention however, but, if that is so you are cruel ha!
"The poet becomes a seer through a long, immense, and reasoned derangement of all the senses." - Arthur Rimbaud
We leaped over
corral fence of minutes
What I meant here was, we freed ourselves from constraints of time.Time keeps us bound to our work and "once" we broke free.
Thank you for the inputs Dl04, Bro.
Cheers.
corral fence of minutes
What I meant here was, we freed ourselves from constraints of time.Time keeps us bound to our work and "once" we broke free.
Thank you for the inputs Dl04, Bro.
Cheers.
I like how the exuberance of the poem contrasts with the sobering title. I, too, had some trouble with 'corral fence of minutes'. Perhaps it could be rephrased? Other than that I enjoyed it. Loved the last line.
"The greater the outward show, the greater the inward poverty."
- Jiddu Krishnamurti, Commentaries on Living
- Jiddu Krishnamurti, Commentaries on Living
Very nice. Lovely feel to this and I'm in agreement with everyone else about the praise for your poems and your style. You have a great consistency and lovely way with words. 
I'm in agreement that:
'We leaped over
corral fence of minutes'
doesn't really work. Maybe you should try for a more simple way of trying to convey what you mean. I didn't get this without your explanation at all and what you actually mean is beautiful.
So many lovely images in this though. Too many for me to even pick out as highlights which has GOT to be good
.
More of the same please
I'm in agreement that:
'We leaped over
corral fence of minutes'
doesn't really work. Maybe you should try for a more simple way of trying to convey what you mean. I didn't get this without your explanation at all and what you actually mean is beautiful.
So many lovely images in this though. Too many for me to even pick out as highlights which has GOT to be good
.More of the same please
Just an echo of what has been said for me really, nice poem. Some lovely turns of phrase.
The first and last stanzas are the most impressive in my book, great language.
I liked S2, but yes, I think it needs rephrasing to be clear.
nice one
Tom
The first and last stanzas are the most impressive in my book, great language.
I liked S2, but yes, I think it needs rephrasing to be clear.
nice one
Tom
meh and bah are wonderful words