Daughter Of Pan

[Brotherfergus]

Many of you may remember this being posted on the poetry section sometime ago, it was my first post and at the time I didn't realize that there was a lyrics section, so, I thought I'd give it another bash and see what you all think when looking at it as a lyric (as it was intended) and not a poem.
Just for note; This is from a concept album I'm working on and is the third track (9 minutes 44 seconds), the reason for me re posting it is that I have just written a new guitar part for it and it went rather well.
Unfortunately I don't have any means of recording to share it with you all, but, I would appreciate any feedback or suggestions that you have in any case.


The child, alone, within the woods
Cowers in terror, so shrill
Her screams resound around the trees
But watching on so still,
Amongst the earthy, leafy silence
A voyeur’s figure becomes real.
He revels in the child’s virtue,
For her chastity he means to deal.

Hearing a noise she quickly turns
To see the man so thin,
Hunched and pale he stammers forth
To reveal his deathly grin.

My Dear, I fear, you’ve lost your way
And now you must decide
Die alone in these woods today
Or give to me a child.

The girl possessed by irrational fear
Succumbed unto his request
And when the deed it was done
The man robed, smiled, turned… and left.

The girl now cries, alone again
Remembering the cruel mans words
Upon the day of their child’s birth
To her side he would return
And as this thought flashed through her mind
Before her the path now clears,
The woods become light, the ferns died down
And so along with her fear,

Three seasons pass and the infants born
And so christened Eve,
The man returns to see his child
His intention for to cease,
But alas, his deal had been honored not,
The girls’ intention deceit,
She’d arms to hire to tie him down,
And until his death, they did beat.

Eight seasons pass and Eve has grown,
And knowing not of her birth,
She’d made child with a man of Eden,
And from that point on they were cursed,

Vile plagues befell every town,
The waters began to rise,
Fires raged white throughout the lands,
Silenced only by the cries,
Of all born of human womb,
And all of these would die,
At the hands of this daughter of Pan,
And the curse of her retched lies.

[kozmikdave]

Before I forget, the last line has a speelin error "her retched lies" should be "her wretched lies".

Gidday

I think I commented on this in the poetry section. I certainly scans well for a lyric, but the rape of a young maiden doesn't really make me want to go round the neighbourhood singing it at the top of my voice.

By the subject matter and style of writing, I'd suspect it is on the folk side of the great divide. Some hints here, please. What influences would you own up to - Steeleye Span? Jethro Tull? It would give us an idea of the sound we can expect.

Keep writing.

[Brotherfergus]

Dave,
Your right, I certainly linger on the folk side of things, however, it's possibly a little more hysterical than your average traditional folk song. Its all acoustic (two guitars, violin and flute) with arrangements more akin to classical music, fairly progressive, creepy, atmospheric sounds that gradually get more deranged. It comes in at around nine minutes forty.
It's not about the actual rape of a young girl. The child is an archetype portraying innocence and nativity. I also use Jung's 'wild woods' here. Pan (I was originally thinking of using Artimes but decided against it) represents the brutality of nature.
A brief premise of the story is as the follows; The act is the penance that one must pay in life concerning its nature. The girls action symbolizes the inability to accept the ugly reality of life and shows her betray the land in exchange for for fantasy. Her kin that then follow this act are subsequently cut off from the previous way of life and further plunge into an incredulous attitude towards their own actions and a savage dismissal from their roots and lineage, hence their neglect and inability to reason leads them into a self destructive path that can only be silenced by their own death.
For inspiration think COB, Comus, Bert Jansch, Circulus, 16th century lute music, Clear light, Tyrannosaurus Rex, I don't know that kind of ball park figure.
I would still really like to hear any more feedback you, or anyone, has. Thanks for commenting, much appreciated!

[kozmikdave]

The story much clarified and the music style more defined is a good thing.

i must confess I was off googling Pan to see which of his many affairs you might be refering to but drew a blank. i vaguely remember the sybolism explained in the previous posting in poetry section, although it had slipped my mind.

If it is part of a series, it would be good to get the others in order to see how they fit together. I am assuming you are telling a story or creating some kind of folk opera.

I'm not sure what other feedback I can give until I hear it or see it in total context. As a stand alone, it has a ver blunt story-telling style, and I doubt that listeners would be able to read the symbolism into the lyrics. In the context of global warming, it would be fairly obvious.

Most of us tend to write songs that stand pretty much by themselves. The trick is to get a story into a poetic passage that last 3min 17 sec (apparently) that has a great hook and turns the world on its head. All still trying. Some of my fave songs go for hours.

[Brotherfergus]

Dave,
I am not telling a specific tale of Pan as such, I am using Pan as a character to embody what he represents, as I imagine it was intended on his original conception. Looking back over it again I beleive I really should have used Artemis for she represents a truer depiction of the character I am trying to create. When I get some more time I will revise the piece and use Artemis I beleive- thanks for highlighting the anomaly.
I have tried to write the old 3:30 treatment a few times but feel too much substance is forfeited for length, rhyme and hooks. Longer, progressive tunes take a kind of sculpting that appeals to me.
Anyway, here is track one (track two is an instrumental) and track three is the one previously posted. This one comes in at just over five minutes, but that mainly due to the instrumentals.


Into the town one morning fair
A dark cloaked figure slow appeared
From his pipes; a sweet melody
A child soon heard and came to see.

“Come my child, the day is young,
Come dance with me in the morning sun,
Come follow on be not afraid,
We’ll dance day long in the dewy glade.”

He raised his pipes and began to play
To the brooding woods this solemn day,
The child took haste on his lead
Out of the town into the trees.

The child’s fair hair,
Hung on the breeze,
As the pipes enticed
Her to follow thee,

Her skipping feet,
Her beating breast,
Her supple skin,
Her virtuous flesh,

(Instrumental)

The child’s soft skin so fair and white,
Through the trees danced all night,
Through the trees she followed him
Unto the glade, where waits his kin.

The pipes sweet lungs cease to breathe
As cold stark silence steals the melody
The child’s heart is heard to pound
Around the copse its pulse resounds.

The crooked trees crown moon so high
That low hangs menace from the skies
And the child stops in the grip of fear
For the path she followed’s disappeared

(Short instrumental)

“Now rise you fiends of the night,
Rise you ghouls and forest sprites,
Rise you all for to claim this child,
Be not your deeds meek nor mild.”

The piper’s eyes,
So dark and pale
Reveal his guise
and vile betrayal
Of the fair young maiden
True and chaste
Whose boundless faith
is revealed at last.

[kozmikdave]

Smacks of the Pied Piper at the beginning.

I am super-sensitive (being a teacher) about anything that smacks of child abduction or paedophilia. I understand that this is not the point of the exercise, and maybe it is a tale that ought to be told, but it still makes me uncomfortable. It is lighter in mood than the initial lyric (Track 3).

The language is in keeping with track 3. I'm not sure that you haven't sacrificed something in order to make it rhyme, but that may be your style. I doubt that you speak that way in everyday conversation. It just seems a bit stodgy (is that a real word?) With the right accompaniment, it should sound right. (You could always try a death metal approach. ) I haven't yet familiarised myself with your list of influences, although I know a couple in passing, so I really should do my homework before worrying too much about the sound.

So once again, I await a listenable version. Thanks for providing a context. I may come back to this an make some suggestions as to how I might put the "story" together, if you are open to it.

[Brotherfergus]

I agree the first track certainly does lack something fluid, I need to come back to it I should have thought. I understand your grievances in regards to the subject, the overall sound and lyrics in their current form are not easy listening, there is a lot of tension, sometimes menace, I've tried to create an atmospheric symmetry between music/lyrics but it does have points where quite intricate little picking melodies drift through (its worth noting that the overwhelming majority is finger picking, there is very little strumming indeed so it creates something more intense rather than heavy). I can't stand heavy metal, or any heavy music really, it just seems to boast chronic misunderstanding to me.
Thanks for your comments so far and obviously anything else will be great! Oh, and I'll also get onto the looking into some recording methods, I've been putting it off for too long already. Cheers!

[kozmikdave]

I can't stand heavy metal, or any heavy music really, it just seems to boast chronic misunderstanding to me.

Liszt and Wagner are out, then.

I've come to an appreciation of progressive metal in recent years. It is obviously metal and heavy, but it takes many of its forms directly from classical music. Don't be too quick to judge, Bro. They are not all the same.

[David]

I am super-sensitive (being a teacher) about anything that smacks of child abduction or paedophilia. I understand that this is not the point of the exercise, and maybe it is a tale that ought to be told, but it still makes me uncomfortable.

I know exactly what you mean, Dave (sorry, missed your comment first time round), but - as you probably know - this sort of thing is pretty authentic from a folkloric point of view. That is, I imagine, the tree BroF is barking up.

Remember Goethe's Erlking?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Der_Erlk%C3%B6nig

Put to music by Schubert, it's pretty scary stuff.

Cheers

David

[kozmikdave]

Hey David,

It was a comment about how I feel about the subject. It makes me cringe, that's all. Am aware of the mythology and the ancient (?) practices, but I'm a casualty of modern media on the subject.

I wrote a song about it some time back, viewtopic.php?f=24&t=3580&p=21865&hilit ... hts#p21865 with the view to understanding my feelings on the subject.

Still pretty creeped out. However, I was not asking for a change to the lines in this. I don't think I'd like to have it sanitised unless it was illegal to write these things.

Cheers
Dave