Tinman - WINNER APRIL COMPETITION

[TDF]

frozen crying out
as best his rusted jaw could
Scared and Thick walked by

pretty girl eased him
red shoes on a yellow road
thought he didn't care

oh the irony
he never needed a heart
but he did need oil

[Wabznasm]

Took me a while to get 'Scared' and 'Thick', but nice touch of impersonality. Good twist on the subject too; the oil is pretty integral, but it doesn't feel as if you just wrote the entire poem because of it. (Personally, I'd prefer to see some punctuation, just to ease the read, but then that's just your style).
Dave

[TDF]

Cheers mate. Seems most people avoid punctuation on Haikus, so I'm just following suit really.

And, believe it or not, oil was the starting point for this poem, albeit influenced by the school production of Wizard of Oz recently - it was the only context my mind grabbed on to for the subject matter.

TDF

[k-j]

I like it! Clever and punchy, a great take on the theme - reminds me of Stevie Smith.

[twoleftfeet]

Tom,

I agree with K-J - very deft piece of work, heavy on the IRONy

I'd like to see it extended - Surely you could get 3-IN-1 in there , somehow?

Geoff

[TDF]

Thanks guys.
I didn't want to drift too far away from oil for this comp entry, hence just the Tinman... but maybe I could embark on a haiku of oz?

Tom

[barrie]

Good one - I like it

Follow the oil-slick road, eh?

Barrie

[TDF]

damn you, barrie, that would have made a lovely turn of phrase!

I think I might do an edit of this afterthe comp, based on afeedback and a few other thougths.
Cheers.
Tom

[David]

Hot diggity dog, Tom, this is another good'un. I didn't even notice it was a haiku at first. Excellent.

Cheers

David

P.S. Are you still a beginner? Do you feel it, in your heart? I'm not so sure. This could win the Experienced Comp.

[davelord]

Much shorter and better than the film - and without that really annoying girl (wotsername).

[TDF]

Hot diggity dog, Tom, this is another good'un. I didn't even notice it was a haiku at first. Excellent.

Cheers

David

P.S. Are you still a beginner? Do you feel it, in your heart? I'm not so sure. This could win the Experienced Comp.

Wow, thank you for the compliment. And as for the beginner/experienced thing, I guess I can't judge really. Not sure about my consistency though...

[Nicola]

THE WINNER OF OUR FIRST BEGINNERS COMPETITION - CONGRATULATIONS.

[barrie]

Well done Tom - A worthy winner.

Barrie

[TDF]

Oh shucks, cheers all.

Didn't expect that. Funny how something I wrote quickly has been better recieved than my more laboured pieces... a lesson to learn mayhaps...

Anyhoo, thanks again for the votes.

Tom

[David]

Yay! I voted for this one.

[Elphin]

good job Tom

Its not just a beginners winner - it holds its head up as a poem.

elphin

[David]

good job Tom

Its not just a beginners winner - it holds its head up as a poem.

elphin

I agree with that. In fact, didn't I say it? I think I did, you know.

[Lake]

Congrats! Though I didn't manage to vote, but the result is satisfying to me .

But considering what Elphin and David said, this poem was apparently entered into the wrong category and therefore should be disqualified.

[TDF]

Thanks again guys, though I think maybe I got a bit lucky writing this one. I'm not sure my general standard is as high, although I would have been flattered if it had been switched to exp by a mod... although I probably wouldn't have won, so swings and roundabouts!

/me puts a blanket over lake and the technicality