My counsellor has taught me the value of a damned good hug.
When I read this out whilst hugging my wife, I find that the hug is enhanced
The Hug
Standing tense, gasping breath, with overwhelming need.
Yearning, wanting, craving; butterflies to feed.
Vacant soul, open heart, I wait in frozen time
Joy oh joy, you move towards these grateful arms of mine.
Safe at last, enveloped in each other’s tender hold,
Comforted by tactile warmth that drives away the cold.
Gentle stroke then desperate hug; senses overload.
Bodies tight, arms entwined; minds become dissolved.
Tension melts, calmness comes, sadness falls away.
Love transfers and floods my soul, loneliness allayed.
Deeper, deeper into calm my essence gently glides,
Entombed forever thus, my dream, all troubles laid aside.
At peace, relaxed and gratified, with slowly beating heart,
Reluctantly and hesitant, we gently ease apart.
Strength renewed, spirits high, with final tight embrace,
I dream we’ll hug again ‘fore long, no tender thoughts effaced.
The Hug
Welcome to the forum dave
This is a respectable reasonably well metred verse that does what it says on the tin (so to speak) - it describes a hug and surrounding feelings. It almost has that Hallmark feeling.
One comment - I thought the only place the rhyme was forced was stanza 2 line 2.
hope you post more and keep up the crits as that will help your writing too.
elphin
This is a respectable reasonably well metred verse that does what it says on the tin (so to speak) - it describes a hug and surrounding feelings. It almost has that Hallmark feeling.
One comment - I thought the only place the rhyme was forced was stanza 2 line 2.
hope you post more and keep up the crits as that will help your writing too.
elphin
welcome dave, another dave!
By Hallmark feeling, I assume Elphin means Hallmark cards that have poems about love or death or moving on etc etc.
I would tend to agree on that front. The poem is lovely and doesnt try to be anything other than it is. It doesn't use metephor, it is straight forward, like such a card. The message is clear and unambiguous.
To that end, it doesn't break new ground, but it does what it does very well.
make sense?
TDF.
By Hallmark feeling, I assume Elphin means Hallmark cards that have poems about love or death or moving on etc etc.
I would tend to agree on that front. The poem is lovely and doesnt try to be anything other than it is. It doesn't use metephor, it is straight forward, like such a card. The message is clear and unambiguous.
To that end, it doesn't break new ground, but it does what it does very well.
make sense?
TDF.
meh and bah are wonderful words
Just want to say i liked the piece, though have nothing more to add. I loved S3 the most.
Cheers.
Cheers.
As a new member here, let me give you a view of your poem 'The Hug'. It's been the best I've read so far on this page; and I looked through quite a few because I wanted to comment on a poem I liked and felt was worth commenting on:
Your poem has two characteristics I find important in poetry - two characteristics that are not very widespread in contemporary poetry, I feel: 1) you pay attention to meter and rhyming and 2) the poem is easily accessible, straightforward and not filled with ambiguous, forced imagery.
I appreciated the way you enlist all those feelings and emotions that you experience, nicely put into parallelisms like 'Tension melts, calmness comes, sadness falls away' - the message is clear and fittlingly illustrated.
I also like the development of the poem and how it comes to a proper end, again something I value highly in poems: You could have gone on and on about how the hug was wonderful, but (like the hug, in fact) the poem has come to an end and your rounded it up well: finishing with what you hope for, well done!
A particularly outstanding piece of imagery is the 'tactile warmth that drives away the cold' - quite fitting, I find although I personally think there could have been a better word than 'tactile'. Sounds a bit harsh, doesn't it? What could have been better, maybe 'spreading' or 'soothing'?!? But that's just personal taste.
On the whole, I'd say well done and keep it up!
Your poem has two characteristics I find important in poetry - two characteristics that are not very widespread in contemporary poetry, I feel: 1) you pay attention to meter and rhyming and 2) the poem is easily accessible, straightforward and not filled with ambiguous, forced imagery.
I appreciated the way you enlist all those feelings and emotions that you experience, nicely put into parallelisms like 'Tension melts, calmness comes, sadness falls away' - the message is clear and fittlingly illustrated.
I also like the development of the poem and how it comes to a proper end, again something I value highly in poems: You could have gone on and on about how the hug was wonderful, but (like the hug, in fact) the poem has come to an end and your rounded it up well: finishing with what you hope for, well done!
A particularly outstanding piece of imagery is the 'tactile warmth that drives away the cold' - quite fitting, I find although I personally think there could have been a better word than 'tactile'. Sounds a bit harsh, doesn't it? What could have been better, maybe 'spreading' or 'soothing'?!? But that's just personal taste.
On the whole, I'd say well done and keep it up!
It's not cutting edge stuff, Dave, but it doesn't have to be. It's honest, open and genuine. It could almost be a hymn. I like it. (A word of warning, though - dyed in the wool modernists will hate it.)
Cheers
David
Cheers
David